Vapour Trail

I woke up on Saturday to rain and cold. I was really tempted to crawl back into my bed and sleep away the nasty afternoon but since I've been DYING to take my bike out I forced myself into warm clothes and out the door.


Warm clothes and a helmet obviously.

Riding next to traffic was a little freaky at first but after the first few times I was able to navigate through a relatively small space I got a little braver. It was so cold and rainy but it felt a-mazing to be out. Bikes are FAST. It was fun to be able to go so much further than I can when I run.

So awesome to live in a city but to have this close by. The Charles River can give the Orange County beaches a real run for their money scenery-wise.

I love love love the Boston skyline.

I was wet and cold and tired when I got home but it's that kind of tired and wet that makes you feel like you really deserve a great shower and a nap. Despite the bad weather it turned out to be a pretty stellar Saturday. And yes, I am aware that my bike is an inanimate object but I'm pretty sure I love her.

Ghostbuster

I have sort of deliberately avoided venturing into my old neighborhood since I got back to Boston. I've had plenty of walks down memory lane over the last two months and they are always pretty bittersweet. So many of the people who made this place wonderful the last go around are gone and I really miss them. I had great friends here. But tonight my friend and former roommate was visiting and staying in our old house so I went over to pick her up. Our little suburb is very woody and the trees are in full spring bloom right now so it was really pretty.As I got off on my exit I wasn't really sure how I was going to feel. It's surprising how random the memories can be of a place you lived in for a long time. There were things I was expecting to think about that I didn't and other experiences that came rushing back. There is this really dirty little grocery store on the corner that a roommate directed me to my very first night there. I remember walking in and it was cold and dark and the produce looked so pathetic and I was convinced I had made a really, really bad decision. When I got to the house I walked over and poked my nose in every room. Not much has changed except everything has. We went to a movie and ate ice cream and then Linda and I sat in the driveway and talked and talked. About people we miss. About how much we both hated our jobs all the time we lived together. About how we don't know anything more about boys now than we did then. I have asked the heavens so many times why on earth I had to come here then. My job nearly sucked the life out of me, I got my heart fairly shattered a couple of times and I spent a lot of time cursing the weather and writing checks for parking tickets. And yet, I don't have enough fingers to count the important friendships I made here. I think maybe I'm finally OK with that being reason enough.

I turned the music up really loud as I drove home and let myself have a good cry. There are a lot of ghosts in my head right now, some of them are asking me questions, wondering if I have actually learned anything in the last four years. I don't know what to tell them. I'm so happy at work and I'm feeling less like I'm fooling everyone and more like I'm really good at what I do. But then last night I let myself act like an idiot to someone important to me and that is so disappointing. Sometimes I feel like as soon as I get one flaw somewhat under control, there is another uglier one waiting to take it's place. Maybe I should just make friends with the ones I have and leave it at that!

It's late and I think I'm mostly rambling at this point, this whole experience of coming back to a place I was so anxious to leave has been overwhelming but also really good for me. I was a little bit stuck in my last life and it's been really good for me to just move-forward or backward, it's good to be in motion.

Face

I love social networking sites. I still remember wasting hours and hours of my life writing testimonials about people on Friendster and getting so excited when I found long lost friends. I love keep tracking of people and knowing what is going on in their lives. Facebook makes that really easy and fun.

That said, this sketch is pretty hilarious. And true. Best to be careful about what you reveal online (that was a reminder to me!)

Control

The worst feeling in the world is when you are saying something you know is really stupid/immature/insensitive and you can't stop yourself. Your brain is screaming at you to quit it and act like an adult and for some reason you keep going. It's gotten me into trouble more times than I care to count. I thought adults naturally grew out of stupid behavior but as it turns out, you actually have to work at it.

Blurg.

Awkward

Wow, I can't believe I actually put that on my blog yesterday. That was a definite overshare. To make up for it, and to assure you that I am not a complete idiot, here's one of my very favorite bands playing one of my very favorite songs.



My sister put this on a mix for me when I was moving to California a long long six years ago and it's managed to weasel it's way into all sorts of good life moments since. Fair warning to any future husband, I don't have a lot of superficial requirements of you but...you do probably have to like this song.

Wilco is playing at Red Butte Gardens in Utah this summer and if I were you and I lived anywhere near, I'd probably be there.

KARMA

I have a friend who spent this weekend holed up in her apartment working on papers for her graduate program. As I saw her little green light still going strong on gchat as I was going to bed I thought to myself, "I do not miss those days!"

So it's a little bit funny that now I'm spending hours on a presentation outlining my five year plan that has to go to the Board Meeting with my boss next week. It's cool though, I just have to explain how we are going to triple in size by 2013. That's not hard. Plus I have some Lime and Chili almonds, plenty of Diet Coke and an iPod full of really embarrassing things I can't seem to stop downloading lately. Seriously, I paid 99 whole cents for this



They sound better on the actual video but it's a wee bit too risque for this family show. I'll tell you what though, get this really loud in your car and it's a perfect sing-along song. "DO YOU DO YOU GOT A FIRST AID KIT HANDY? ARE YOU PATIENT UNDERSTANDING...'cause I might need some time to clear the hole in my heart and mind." Then they ask like a million times "how you gonna fix it?"

Not quite "I am woman hear me roar" but it's getting me through the afternoon.

Cut it Out

One album that will always remind me of my first summer in Boston is Cut Copy's "Bright Like Neon Love". My friend Whitney and I have tickets to see them in two weeks at my favorite venue, The Paradise. Here's my current fave off their new album. A staple of my running mix these days and maybe a light night dance party in my room or two. Shhhhh.

Lights and Music

Also, a friend just sent this to me and I simply can't keep it to myself



Lastly, who hasn't been here. This song cracks me up. Thanks Corey.

Trouble

My friend recommended Ray Lamontagne to me a few years ago based on my undying love for Ryan Adams. I have yet to get tired of him. I saw him in Utah with my sister and brother several summers ago. The venue was absurdly hot and he asked if they could please turn off the stage lights so it would be a little cooler. Ray Lamontagne in the dark on a sweaty summer night is pretty much the definition of perfection. Two songs I have on repeat tonight.

Hannah
Jolene

Blindspot

I sometimes leave messages for myself on my work voicemail. It always feels so weird to hear my own voice the way it sounds to everyone else. It's so different from the way it sounds in my head.

So last week I was at the little mingle we always have after church and three boys I know were standing together talking. So I went up and put my arms around two of them and said, "well here are three boys I like quite a bit." One of them made some crack about polyandry and I said I was all for it. One of them said, "no way, three men? We'd kill each other." I responded that men punching each other and then being over it was probably preferable to the slow emotional damage a bunch of women competing for one man could do to each other. Then the other one says, "well I certainly wouldn't want to cross YOU," and the first guy starts laughing so hard I thought he was going to choke. I asked him what was SO funny and he says, "you know when you hear something that is just SO TRUE?" and keeps giggling. I made a fake pouty face and laughed it off but the guy kind of had a point. Let me paint a little picture for you of an experience he had with me a few weeks earlier.

I had been here in Boston about two weeks and we went out for sushi one night. He recently moved into a new apartment so after dinner we went over for a little tour. He has a two bedroom apartment in a big cool building in Cambridge with a lovely view of the city and a great kitchen-a very grownup apartment. And it was a diseaster. He hosted a big Super Bowl party and had yet to clean up. Shall we do the math on that one? I watched the Super Bowl in California, then spent a week in Utah and had been working in Boston for two more. This was an old mess. After he showed me around we sat down to watch TV and after about two minutes I just couldn't hold it in and I said, "I can't just sit here when your beautiful apartment is this messy! We're cleaning it!" I should probably give the disclaimer here that this is a friend from my last tour of duty in Boston and not some poor kid I had only known for two weeks and was already bossing around. I try to wait at least a month before I start telling new friends what to do. So we spent about 45 minutes picking up the place. At one point as I was vacuuming in the living room he said, "you know, I just got a flash of what it would be like to be married to you," and I said, "oh sweetie, if you were married to me we wouldn't be doing this because the house would never have looked like this." We finished up and it really did look and feel about a million times better but by then I was feeling bad and hoping that I hadn't embarrassed a good friend. He said something about assertive women being sexy that I hope meant he didn't think I was a total head case. Then when he took me home he said, "you know I never realized you were so Type A. I kind of thought you were a little more relaxed."

SO DID I! I've been torturing myself a little bit since that night-thinking a lot about the personality I hear in my head and the one that everyone else hears and wondering how different they really are. I was out with a new friend earlier this week and as I was talking and telling stories I kept thinking, "huh, you sound a little crazy sometimes".

So I'm kind of a bossy, neurotic worrywart and I guess knowing that is a good step towards keeping it all in check. If I've learned anything from two seasons of 30 Rock, at least I'm the kind of crazy that makes for really good jokes. And listen, as long as people are laughing, maybe they won't notice that you just cleared their glass off the table before they were done because you can't stand a messy table.

Block

I have about five posts in the hopper that I have NOT had the time to finish. Backed up blog posts tend to make me totally nutty so I'm resolving to take care of this soon. Very soon.

TOYS!

I got something very exciting in the mail this week.




IT'S A BIKE! IT'S A BIKE!

I really love to run and I don't see myself quitting anytime soon but I've been thinking lately that it would probably be a good idea to get myself an athletic endeavor that does not involve intense pounding to all of my joints. Two of my brothers and a healthy amount of my friends are bike fiends so I finally decided to join the pack. It's only a little bit funny that after six summers where I spent the majority of my weekends working a triathlon somewhere, I get a bike when I'm no longer surrounded by riders.

I still have to get a helmet and a lock and some shorts with "rump padding" (as my brother put it), before I can really take her out for a spin but I'm kind of beside myself about it. I rode it up and down my street a bunch of times last night like I used to when I was a kid.

My friend Eric warned me, "in six months you'll either be selling the thing because you only rode it twice or you'll be selling it because you are ready to upgrade. That's just what happens when you start this biking thing." Can't wait to see which one it it!

ABC

tagged by Lori : )

A. ATTACHED OR SINGLE? Single. Might be open to attachements.
B: BEST FRIENDS? More than my share.
C: CAKE OR PIE? Chocolate. The cakier the better.
D: DAY OF CHOICE? one that begins whenever my body feels like waking up
E: ESSENTIAL ITEMS? chapstick.
F: FAVORITE COLORS? if you look in my closet you would think it's black. my car is black too. but i like to pretend it's yellow or bright green or something like that.
G: GUMMY BEARS OR WORMS? Bears. My dad used to bring them home for us when he went on work trips.
H: HOMETOWN? The SLC is my hometown and definitely in my blood. Huntington Beach is the grownup home I picked myself and Boston is feeling more and more hom-ish.
I: FAVORITE INDULGENCE? the whole pint of Ben and Jerry's, sleeping away an entire morning, talking a shower until the hot water runs out
J: JANUARY OR JULY? July. I can't believe this is even a question. Who chooses January?
K: KIDS? like 'em. hope to have a couple someday.
L: LIFE ISN'T COMPLETE WITHOUT...Good food, good people, good laughs (copycat, what else is there??)
M: MARRIAGE DATE? someday on the floating city of New Chicago
N: NUMBER OF BROTHERS AND SISTERS? three brothers, two sisters, three sister's in law
O: ORANGES OR APPLES? I eat apples more often because peeling stinks. but i like oranges better.
P: PHOBIA OR FEARS? sirens (although now that I live in a rough neighborhood and next to a hospital complex that is sort of fixing itself), spiders, earthquakes
.Q: QUOTE? "Never go with a hippie to a second location." Jack Donagy
R: REASONS TO SMILE? warm weather, good news from friends, a compliment
S: SUPERMAN OR WONDER WOMAN? Wonder Woman. Obviously
T: TAG 5 PEOPLE. Tag yourself!
U: UNKNOWN FACT ABOUT ME? To quote Kelly Ripa, "I'm an open book, and if you don't turn the pages fast enough I'll turn them for you."
V: VEGETABLE? Artichokes. I recently learned how to cook them and I can't believe it took me so long.
W: WORST HABIT? Procrastination
X: X-RAY OR ULTRASOUND? Ultrasound
Y: YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? Spaghetti with my family's famous cold sauce. I have to make it this week now that it's in my head.
Z: ZODIAC SIGN? She's a libra. A fire dragon libra.

Toes

I have always hated sleeping in socks. The only time I'll do it is if I'm camping. It's hard to explain but I just don't like having a barrier between my feet and my sheets.

But when I moved here I just couldn't ever get warm enough even in my house so one night I left my slippers on when I got into bed and it seemed to help. It became a habit and got to the point where I would wake up and freak out if a sock happen to fall off in the night. Suddenly I couldn't sleep if I wasn't wearing them.

Tonight I made a decision that I will NOT be wearing socks to bed anymore. I forgot how good it feels to run my toes along my fresh-out-of-the-washing-machine-high-thread-count-white-sheets.

I'm posting such a completely mundane event because it really surprised me how quickly I got used to doing something I used to hate. And then how nice it is to give it up again. I haven't really figured out if that has any significance though. Probably not.

Littles

I babysat for some friends tonight and I think I can confidently say that pretty much nothing beats rocking a baby to sleep.

Thanks

Facebook is giving me a complex. They have a new feature that suggests people you might know based on the amount of friends you have in common. "your friends jack, jill, sam, john, mark, lisa, ellie, marcy and henry all know trudy, don't you?"

No Facebook, I apparently don't know this person that everyone else knows but thanks for making me aware.

p.s. These things only seem to matter after midnight. When people with jobs really ought to be in bed, and not on the computer.

IF

John Mayer was a kid in my ward and was an accountant or a dentist or something who played a little guitar at parties and stuff instead of a really famous guy who sometimes writes cheesy songs and dated JESSICA SIMPSON for crying out loud, I would probably have to marry him and have some babies with him.

He started a blog on his website awhile back and while it was often ramblings on cool sneakers or links to YouTube, it was also pretty funny and clever with just enough self-conciousness to make you think even a huge celebrity can still be kind of a dork on the inside. But then he posted some defense of J-Simp when everyone was blaming her for Tony Romo stinking it up on the football field (I don't particularly like her but seriously? If the guy can't play because his girlfriend is watching isn't that his problem not hers?) and then he posted what seemed like angry lyrics about an ex and tried to explain himself later blah blah blah, suddenly there was a non-story about how John Mayer was such a tool because he kept trying to defend himself on his blog. And then he shut the whole thing down and replaced it with a sign saying, "Done and Dusted and Self-Conscious and Back to Work." Celeb gossip sites were all excited to point out what a tool he was for caring what people think. To which I say, duh. We all care what people think and frankly, I don't want to live in a world where everyone has a "I do what I want!" attitude all the time.

Well I guess he had a little more to say because the blog is back up. And I thought his last entry was really nice...so here is an excerpt from my total guilty pleasure:

"....This is about all of us. Who all seem to know deep down that it's incredibly hard to be alive and interact with the world around us but will try and cover it up at any cost. For as badass and unaffected as we try to come off, we're all just one sentence away from being brought to the edge of tears, if only it was worded right. And I don't want to act immune to that anymore. I took the biggest detour from myself over the past year, since I decided that I wasn't going to care about what people thought about me. I got to the point where I had so much padding on that, sure, I couldn't feel the negativity, but that's because I couldn't feel much of anything. And I think I'm done with that.

I'm not the first person to admit we're all self conscious, Kanye was. But what I want to do is to shed a little light on why we're all in the same boat, no matter the shape of the life we lead: because every one of us were told since birth that we were special. We were spoken to by name through a television. We were promised we could be anything that we wanted to be, if only we believed it and then, faster than we saw coming, we were set loose into the world to shake hands with the millions of other people who were told the exact same thing.

And really? Really? It turns out we're just not all that special, when you break it down. Beautifully unspectacular, actually. And that truth is going to catch up with us whether we want to run from it or not. The paparazzo following me to the gym ain't gonna be Herb Ritts and the guy he's following ain't gonna be Bob Dylan. It's just a matter of how old you are once you embrace that fact. And for me, 30 sounds about right.

What now, then? I can only really say for myself: Enjoy who I am, the talents and the liabilities. Stop acting careless. In fact, care more. Be vulnerable but stay away from where it hurts. Read. See more shows. Of any kind. Rock shows, art shows, boat shows. Create more art. Wear hoodies to dinner. Carry a notebook and hand it to people when they passionately recommend something and ask them to write it down for me.

Root for others.

Give more and expect the same in return, but over time.

Act nervous when I'm nervous, puzzled when I don't know what the hell to do, and smile when it all goes my way. And never in any other order than that.

And when it's all over, whether at the end of this fabulous career or of this life, which I hope takes place at the same time, I should look back and say that I had it good and I made the most of it while I was able. And so should you."

Good

Start to finish this was a fantastic weekend. Fun things, fun people and the realization that Boston is a city better lived inside than on the outskirts.

In addition to being fun, there was some meat to the weekend as well. It sort of started out Friday night at the Rogue Wave show. I met up with some friends and couldn't help remembering the last time I had been at a concert at that venue with those particular people. It shocked me a little bit think about how different our current lives are from the paths we were on that night almost three years ago. I think I can speak for them when I say that we are all happier people thanks to some fairly dramatic changes of plans over the past few years. It was nice to get some "rest of the story" perspective on things. And perspective gained while enjoying live rock and roll is some of the best kind.

Saturday was a good kind of blur-running,breakfasting,shopping, getting a little sun-and then it was time for an evening church meeting before my friend Whit's birthday party. I will confess that I was doing a little too much chatting with my neighbor during the first bit of the meeting and maybe not getting as much out of it as I could have. Then the speaker quoted a scripture that practically came to life and jumped into my lap. " He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world". It must have been something everyone there needed to hear because our whole row of socialites suddenly snapped to attention. I've been thinking a LOT lately about why hard things have to happen. Why some people seem to get hit really hard and others look to have it a little easier. Feeling powerless in the face of difficult things happening in the world and to folks I love. I think I've heard the one about how trials are the best way to learn about a million times and frankly, that's not always what you want to hear in the middle of one crappy experience after another or when you are wondering why you work so hard to be good and make good choices and the righteous thing you really want remains firmly outside your grasp. Understanding that every single thing that happens in the human experience is for the good of the world carries with it an enormous amount of comfort and hope. The major injustices of the world are easier to accept if somehow they are leading to a great good. My little family has been through all kinds of rough stuff-divorce, serious illness, financial difficulties-thing that I wouldn't wish on anyone. But I look at who all of us have become because of those experiences and I know that every hard thing directly contributed to every good thing we've been through as well. These last few months have exposed an exhausting amount of worries and fears an doubts and I have not felt like myself in a long while. Last night I had one of those "I see you down there and I know what you need" moments that help me get through the dark patches when it feels like I'm shouting into a void.

I've let myself get really wrapped up in my own life for a bit and I think that was OK. I needed it. But now it's time to contribute to the "good of the world". I've been kind of MIA to kind friends checking in on me and a somewhat selfish with my time since I got here. I'm excited to feel whole again and to put some of that positive energy into my little sphere.

This

will stop being funny someday but it isn't yet.

72 and Sunny

Well at least it was yesterday. I'll say this for the crappy crappy weather here, when we do get a day with sun and warmth it's like people explode out of all the buildings and everyone looks like "what, we're always running/eating/hanging out here."

I had to work all day so I missed the bulk of the sun and now we have storm clouds gathering but no matter, I have a ticket to tonight's Rogue Wave show in my pocket, no reason to get up before 10 tomorrow and Whit's birthday at Fudrucker's which for a change I don't have to just hear about later.

I'm obsessed with this song lately. I loooooove girl groups and these ladies are silky silky.

Joy

Once upon a time a little girl moved from Utah to California who really liked music. The big move had her all excited to try new and wonderful things and so when she made friends with a boy who was himself a music freak, she was thrilled to sit at his feet and be taught-after all, this boy was at least 8 years older than she and had been obsessively collecting music since he was wee. Over the next year, boy was responsible for introducing girl to a wide range of artists, many of whom are still her very favorites. Then girl moved to Boston, boy got married and the magical referrals slowed to a trickle of emails here and there. Girl had plenty of other like minded sources by then and had developed her own ability to find audio gems but she still mourned loss of trusted guru.

Thankfully, boy proved that marriage and daddyhood are completely compatible with many pre-settling down and becoming a responsible adult pasttimes and he started a great blog that still manages to find treasures just a little bit before they are everywhereallthetimesothebuzz.

The lastest treat from www.acertainromance.com is Fleet Foxes. For some reason Blogger doesn't want to let me post any audio files today but here is White Winter Hymnal on YouTube. I am just terrible at explaining why I like certain bands but just trust me on these guys, great melodies, great voices, great lyrics. Everyone is comparing them to My Morning Jacket and Band of Horses but throw in some Crosby Stills and Nash too. They were supposed to play here in Boston a couple of weeks ago but the show was cancelled. Broke my heart a little.

CAN YOU STAND IT???

I'm pretty sure that all will feel right in the world this Thursday night at 8:30 when 30 Rock makes it's triumphant return to new episodes. I was rewatching the Midnight Train to Georgia sequence today at NBC.com and I almost wept with joy.


Here are some highlights to get you all ready for the big event..

Mi Familia

Last night I had a lovely conversation with my just younger brother as I was driving home from a gathering. After we hung up I jumped on the computer and the other four siblings and one in-law all happened to be on g-chat at once so we had a little family online convo. It was pretty similiar to our offline interactions-everyone typing at once and about 10 conversations happening on top of each other. Talking to every last one of them in the space of an hour certainly made me miss them, especially because you never know when something like this is going to happen:



Kind of explains a lot doesn't it?

Roast

It's a strange feeling when you read your own words and it doesn't seem like you even know the person who wrote them. I was going through some of my blog archives today and I was disappointed at how normal I used to sound and how mopey I have been as of late. I know part of it is that I am out of all of my elements. But the trip to Sweden went well and I came home feeling much more connected to my job. I had some really good discussions that made me think I might actually be qualified for this thing.

Yesterday I woke up and listened to my church's General Conference on the internet (hoo-ray for live streaming that lets me relive conference the way I used to as a kid-on the radio!) and then set out on a run. I joined a gym right after I got here which has been great-it's too dark or too cold to run outside these days and I turn into someone you don't want to know if I can't work out a few times a week-but a treadmill is simply not the same as hitting the pavement in the fresh air.

It was a little overcast and damp yesterday but nothing a few layers and a hat couldn't contend with. I didn't really have a plane when I left the house except to head to the river. From my neighborhood that means running right through the center of the city. I think I probably blogged about a million times about how much I loved running along the beach in HB. No matter how many times I hit that boardwalk I never got sick of it. I think the same can probably be said for the streets of downtown Boston and the banks of the Charles River. It got progressively sunnier as I went and there were people spilling out all over the place. There were other runners everywhere, I guess there is a pretty famous marathon coming up in a few weeks or something? I ran past the Boston Pops, the Christian Science Church headquarters, the Berklee College of Music, up and down Boyleston and Comm Ave and across the Mass Ave Bridge. I turned around and looked at the Boston skyline, from the gold dome of the state house to the big old Citgo sign over near Fenway and I almost started laughing at myself. "Seriously, you really want to complain about having to live here again?" The weather is unforgivable, there is never ever anywhere to park, it's expensive and takes too long to get to Utah in a hurry, I miss my friends, produce is not great here and did I mention I really hate the weather? But Friday night I went to see a limited release screening of the breakdance documentary Planet B-Boy and the producer did a Q&A after the show, last week I drove about five minutes to see The Raveonettes at one of the best little venues in the country and the Red Sox will be playing two miles from my house for the next seven months. I don't think I want to live here forever but if the last ten years of my life are any indication, I don't have to do anything for more than about two years. I am really, really trying to work on this whole "trusting God" thing that sometimes I am good at and sometimes I fail at miserably. I'm starting to feel more like my old self again but I'm also trying to make room for whatever kind of new self would like to join me here as well. So stay tuned I guess.

Circadia

It's 11:19 p.m. in Boston, I woke up 9:00 a.m. in Sweden and didn't sleep a wink on the plane so WHY AM I STILL AWAKE????

All I can say is that I'm amazed at how powerful our personal rhythms are. Even when I got plenty of sleep in Sweden, I didn't feel like myself until I hit my normal Boston hours. Makes me wonder who is really in control here...

Wrong

Some random thoughts on a can't get to sleep saturday night...

-It's hard to beat the combination of a really good run, a little bit of weight lifting and half an hour laying in the sauna.

-I love people who know how to leave a great voicemail message. My friend Bev is an expert. She left me a message the other night about her feelings toward the Massachusetts DMV that had me laughing out loud and totally missing having her around. People say technology makes our communication impersonal but I feel like it opens up all sorts of new options. There is something quite wonderful about being able to listen to a particularly good message so many times you have it memorized.

-I was putting together a shelving unit today that I bought six years ago as a temporary solution to a tiny bedroom that has somehow now managed to travel back and forth across the country three times. I found a sticker stuck to the back of it for a long defunct website some boys I know wrote that made me smile. Way way before everyone on planet earth had a blog, and even slightly before Friendster started the social networking frenzy, these guys were writing journal type entries about music and movies and girls and etc. I called one of them so someone could share my fond memory and got this gem of a quote; me: "so what are you up to?" him: "well i am just getting up from an entire afternoon on my bed. My back kind of hurts." It's too bad the website didn't last.

-My friend Chloe sent me a great care package today that included three mix CD's. I know I'm a broken record but I really, really love music. There is a lot of stuff on these discs that I don't know and then some that I'm enjoying hearing differently. That might be my favorite thing about a mix-getting a song you already know in a new context. She put "The Promise" by Tracy Chapman on one them which is a song I have probably listened to one million times over the years. It got a little overplayed there for a bit but wow, it's just so beautiful and tender and comforting. Tracy Chapman probably has a higher percentage of songs that make me cry actual tears than any other artist I know. Even her old "Fast Car" can still get me going if it hit just right. Anyway, these CD's are a treat and made a great soundtrack tonight while I unpacked one of my last remaining boxes and packed for my swedish adventure. What a thoughtful friend.

-I watched quite a bit of 30 Rock on DVD this week since there is nothing on real TV. The more I watch that show the more I think I'm OK with everyone saying I remind them of Liz Lemon.

-This move has reminded me what an introvert I am by nature. I've been going nuts trying to figure out why on earth I am so worn out lately and it finally occurred to me that being new everywhere and trying so hard to be impressive at work and get out of my little comfort zone socially has juat about done me in. I think I'm a bit of an oddball because I genuinely enjoy making friends and talking and getting attention but I have to work pretty hard not to be nervous around new people and situations. My natural tendency is to stick to the walls.

-I think my nightowlishness is getting worse. I finally fell asleep at 4 last night but I think I could have stayed up even longer. It's 2 right now and I just don't want to go to bed. And then six hours from now I'll want to throw my alarm across the room. The schedule of the world is not kind to the night owl.

-I hate the ending of "Pretty in Pink". Andie really should have ended up with Duckie. Blaine was a complete tool.

-Boston is a beautiful city. It was freezing but clear today so while I opted to do my run inside, I grabbed dinner at a little place on Newbury Street so I could get out in the city a little bit. This place is adorable.

P.S.

Tonight I watched Step Up with a couple of friends after we ate way, way too much cheesecake for dessert. Obviously the plot is silly and the acting is pretty terrible but the dancing was fantastic and the lead actor has maybe the greatest arms in the history of dance movies. We all spent the whole movie commenting on his hotness. Sometimes it's awesome to spend a night living every girl cliche known to man.

Slipped

I've known about this for two weeks but it was only this morning that it dawned on me-I'M GOING TO SWEDEN ON SUNDAY! The whole "international" part of my marketing job is kicking off with a day in Stockholm and then a few more at our office in Helsingborg. It's a work trip so it's not like I'll be on holiday or anything BUT, I'm practically beside myself about it anyway.

Melt

It's funny how sometimes a little tiny thing can expose the cracks in what you thought was a pretty solid suit of armor.

I made my first attempt to get a new drivers license two weeks ago but did not have the right proof of residence. Unless I want to spend four or five hours in line, getting there before it opens is pretty much my best option and I've had morning meetings pretty much every day since. I'm not even going to launch into the rant asking why exactly California has figured out the concept of having an automated appointment system online that allows you to get in and out of the DMV in about 2.5 seconds. OK maybe just a little.

So today I finally went back, making sure last night that I had SEVERAL pieces of mail with my new address. I had been told that it had to have been mailed to me from something like my bank. I don't have any paper bank statements yet so I brought some other documents from them with me figuring that would work.

I get to the DMV 20 minutes before it opened and of course there is already a line but it didn't look too bad and I already have my paperwork filled out. We all file into the waiting room and I set about waiting. My number gets called about 20 minutes in which is pretty good. I had my paperwork done and all my documents in a nice little pile that I hand to the woman behind the counter. I try to be pleasant and say good morning but she's not having it and doesn't even look at me. She starts typing away and then asks me for proof of residence. I tell her that I wasn't sure exactly what would work so I have my insurance cards, a document from my bank and a letter from my car insurance company. She looks a me and says, "a personal letter doesn't work and that thing from the bank isn't a statement so I can't take it." I specifically remember the woman the time before telling me that I needed "something from your bank with your name on it that has been sent to you through the mail." Which is precisely what I have. I haven't had my bank account in MA long enough to HAVE a bank statement yet and I'm trying to obey that whole "change your license within 30 days" thing I've gotten in trouble for disregarding in the past. I ask her why a bank statement works and this doesn't and she shrugs. I am tempted at that point to ask for a manager but I don't want to be that guy. Thank the heavens above I notice that my checkbook happens to be in my purse even though I never have it with me. So I give that to her and she keeps typing. But the damage to my nerves was done. I was so frustrated that her response to me was just 100% unhelpful. There was no attempt to explain what seems like a really arbitrary rule about WHICH MAILED DOCUMENT FROM MY BANK WITH MY ADDRESS ON IT they will and won't accept ,no, "well let me ask someone, ". Just a smug little shrug. She then asks me if I have my social security card. I had already given her my passport so I say, "I though my passport meant I didn't need it," to which she says, "that was pretty much a yes or no question. Do you have it or not?". To my horror, I hear my voice shake when I answer that I do not have my social security card. I still don't know why she asked because I got the shrug again and she went back to typing. We have another falling out when she asks me to do the eye test and I get a little confused as to which one she wants me to read. At this point I say, "Look, I'm really not trying to annoy you, I just didn't understand what you were asking," and then the tears just start coming. She's asking me questions about photos and telling me to sign stuff and I can't stop them. I feel like a complete idiot, crying in the damn DMV. I will have the world's worst photo for the next 10 years because I could barely get myself to smile.

Now, I am willing to bet that the DMV is not anyone's dream job. You probably take a lot of abuse from people who are upset about various rules and procedures that are not your fault and that you cannot change. So I have a certain amount of sympathy for the folks working the counters there. However, they still chose to work in a job that is essentially customer service and as such, part of your job is to figure out how to deal with jerks and whiners without losing your cool. I am almost annoyingly friendly with people at stores and post offices and airline ticket counters. I've been on the other side of a customer service job and I know you get a lot further being nice. But when confronted with someone who starts our interaction by assuming that I'm going to be a jerk I am always so tempted to prove them totally right. I stood there fighting myself not to ask to talk to her manager. I have a sneaking suspicion that the DMV powers that be are well aware that they do not have a reputation as a bastian of great customer service. My cashier is pregnant and I certainly don't want to be the person snitching on a pregnant lady. So I just stand there and wipe away stupid tears that probably have less to do with the DMV and more to do with just everything.

I'm going to be happy here and already I'm feeling much more settled but wow, this whole moving across the country and changing your whole life thing is just not something I think I'm built to be good at. I get way, way too attached to things and it makes it nigh unto impossible to make a soft landing into a new experience. And doing it alone, as usual, sort of just amplifies everything.

The good news is that I have an MA license, I found a post office (another long story) and I think I actually have time to go to the gym tonight.

All good things.

Still

There are lots of weird things about moving back to a place you once lived but one that i am really enjoying is reconnecting with old friends. Two of my former colleagues work at my new company but in a different office so it wasn't until today that I got to see them. I walked into the building and almost burst into tears when I saw Nancy's smiling face. I did manage to keep it together but after my meetings we talked like little schoolgirls with no regard to how much traffic I was going to hit. It's so much fun meeting new people and having new experiences but there is something so comforting about those folks that share some of your history. I went to lunch this weekend with a friend I have known since college. She and her husband are living here while he goes to dental school and walking into their house on Saturday felt like a relief. I'm settling in here and as we get more sunshine and less bitter cold, my mood is definitely following suit, but I spend a fair amount of time feeling like I have to be "on". Proving myself at work, making friends, trying to give this round of Boston living a clean break from the last round-it can all be a bit exhausting. These moments with people I can relax with have been invaluable.

Also invaluable?

Vampire Weekend. So hot right now that the backlash should be happening before you can say "Diablo Cody" but if this video doesn't get you moving you probably don't have a soul.

Snow Ants

Ingrid Michaelson has yet to misfire with me. Her voice is lovely and her lyrics are sweet and sincere. This song reminds me of some people I watched fall in love once upon a time.

The Hat

Do you get over the first person you loved? Maybe. I've pretty much given up on the idea that feelings will ever fit neatly into chapters. You can be legitimately past something that will still open you up a little bit if you hear the wrong song or or drive by the wrong house. And I've decided that's OK with me. if I'm going to love someone I pretty sure want a little bit of it to stick around, even if it knocks the wind out of me sometimes.

The Long and Winding Road

I read recently that car sales are down amongst the young and hip in Japan. Apparently they would rather spend their disposable income on other stuff.

Clearly I won't be moving to Japan anytime soon as after spending a little over a month as a carless girl in a big city I GLEEFULLY signed the papers on Tuesday to spend a decent chunk of change on a car every month.

I had this fantasy when moved that perhaps I could leave behind the headache of commuting and traffic and insurance and rising gas prices and live my life unfettered by an automobile.

I guess I had supressed all memories of my "pre-auto" life. I didn't have a car in college and although I lived in a tiny town and didn't really NEED one, I was always certain that my life would have changed in dramatic ways if I had the independence afforded by a vehicle. When I finally owned my first car at the advanced age of 23, I discovered I was correct. Having a car is indeed the ticket to freedom you spend all your early teen years dreaming it will be.

My new roommate has been so kind and so patient as she tweaked her schedule to take me on errands, let me tag along on trips to the gym and included me in social plans so I wasn't stuck in our apartment every cold, dark evening but that was starting to wear thin. I probably could have tried harder to make it work but it quickly became clear-I really wanted a car.

So I finally bought one last weekend and I am completely in love. I took the long way home from the dealership and was all excited to run errands that I normally find dull. I went to about 10 different stores looking for something just because I could. On my way to my house this song came on the radio



It's probably more proof that while my body is definitely East Coast these days and I'm working on getting my heart on board, my little spirit remains pretty attached to the open road spaces of the West. In any event, it's good to be able to go to the grocery store and not think about how the heck I'll get this stuff home...

*edit* I wasn't going to say what I bought because it makes me sound like a total yuppie. So here's your clue-it's the swedish car company that isn't Volvo.
**second edit** for you coop, i will add a photo later.

Boo

I promised myself at 5:00 a.m. when I woke up and needed a drink of water than I would A) drink more during the day and B) get to bed on time tonight.

I have lots I want to say but I need to follow through on these promises more.

Goodnight.

Ego Check

I was a party last night and met a guy whose last name sounded familiar. I was pretty sure I had been on a blind date with that last name so he and I spent a good five or ten minutes going through his siblings and cousins and where they all lived trying to figure it out. You know where this is going right? THE DATE WAS WITH HIM.

That's right, we went on a blind date in Salt Lake about six years ago and neither of us remembered the other at all. Good to know I make such a great impression on the menfolk.

Here's a girl who DOES know how make an impression...I've been listening to this song pretty much every other second. Eva Cassidy actually died of breast cancer shortly after making her first album and never got to enjoy any of her fame. A friend introduced me to her many years ago-oddly enough it was around the same time I went on that blind date. A few months later Michelle Kwan skated to Cassidy's version of "Fields of Gold" in the exhibition at the end of the 2002 Olympics. It had been a tough Games for her and the choice of song seemed especially bittersweet. I'm sure it wasn't easy but she skated a flawless performance that night and was as gracious as could be. The wikipedia entry on Eva Cassidy says that Kwan's use of the song that night and through her post-Games appearances helped Eva's album "Songbird" get the exposure to become a certified Gold Record. There is something kinda fitting about that.

Arts and Crafts

My new brand has a retail store and last week we went down to refresh all the marketing materials. I got the painstaking task of repapering the dressing room walls with individual white bordered photos. Now I know you are thinking, "wouldn't it be easier to just make some kind of graphic you could slap on the wall?" To which I would say, "yes, you could, but it wouldn't look anywhere near this cool."

Fever Pitch

The cold I've been trying to stay ahead of finally caught me last night. I spent today on the couch catching up on way more TV on DVD than a person really ought to watch in one sitting. However, I AM feeling quite a bit better so that's awesome.

I also did a little blog hopping and discovered this live version of Oasis doing a cover of Ryan Adam's cover of THEIR song Wonderwall. I already loved the original and then Ryan's version is even more awesome so this is a pretty awesome find.

I hope this cold doesn't kill my weekend!

Shocking

It's cold and rainy in Boston today! That never, ever happens!

Dear me

I ran across some photos from high school while I was moving that I hadn't seen in years. There was one of me at a drama camp my senior year that in particular made me think, "oh funny, insecure little girl, the things I wish I could tell you about the life you are going to have." So today when I saw a book called Letters to My Younger Self, I couldn't help but sit and read almost the whole thing. Each letter is addressed to the woman at a specific and important time of her life and gives advice from her older self. The letters are so tender and sincere and so of course, I wanted to come home and write one of my own.

This one is to my 17 year old self on the night of Homecoming my senior year, one of many boy's choice dances to which I was not invited. A rough night as you can imagine. Here's what I wish I could say to her.

"Dear Miss Katie,

I'm really sorry that you aren't going to the dance tonight. I hope it's at least a little better because if I remember correctly, the boy you liked senior year doesn't even go to your school. That probably sounds like a dumb and not helpful adult thing to say though doesn't it? (What if I tell you that you will see that boy on the street in about five years and you will look adorable and he will look, well, not?)

I wish you knew all the truly amazing things that are going to happen to you in the next 15 years. You will have experiences and opportunities that you don't even know enough to daydream about yet. But one thing I will tell you is that you aren't going to grow up to be a dater. Boys are always going to be one part of your life where you will fail way more than you succeed and will be a near constant source of frustration. My advice to you is that right now-as you are sitting there telling your journal that your grades and your friends and your lead roles in plays and the enormous amount of effort you put into making good choices don't count because you didn't get asked to the dance-is that you learn to stop giving your dating status any sort of power over your happiness. Over the next few years, plenty of boys are going to come in and out of your life. Some of them will feel really significant and then when it turns out they aren't, you will end up wasting a lot of time and energy explaining away the great things about yourself because they weren't interested in you. I'm not trying to depress you-there are some lovely romances ahead I promise-but the overriding state of your love life will be sorta grim. Even now, in my "older and wiser" state, I'll admit to still panicking every once in awhile that I will die alone. But I will also promise you that your thirty one year old self can look back and say that not one of those marathon crush boys you've had or will have is someone you missed out on. There will be some awesome men in your life and some real turkeys too, but worrying and fretting won't change either of those facts. You really won't want to trade the experiences you WILL have for more dinner and a movie nights with random boys. The sooner you can learn this lesson, the more you will be able to enjoy what's coming up. I know somewhere in your heart you know this but getting a boyfriend is not an accomplishment. It's obviously a great goal and hey, I hope we get married one of these days too kid. But if set your worth in the areas of your life that you can control on something that is entirely subjective, you set yourself up for a pretty sad and ungrateful life.

You are such a good little person and it's frustrating as an adult to look back and see how often you tied yourself up in knots over the opinions ofsixteen year old boys. Although if I'm honesty with myself, it's not just you. I suppose the sixty year old me will probably say something similar one of these days about the men around me now.

Let yourself cry tonight, there is nothing wrong with wanting to have those quintessential high school experiences and being sad when you think you are missing out. Just know that "missing out" is relative. It will shock you someday to talk to your current classmates as adults and discover that even alot of the kids at that dance right now spent high school feeling just as lost and insecure as you do. But tomorrow try to do something outside of yourself. Help with your little siblings or write a thank you note or something. Just don't wear yourself out on something that you simply cannot control.

Your life is pretty different now from what you imagine and sometimes fear right now so go ahead and cross "senior prom" off your list. You aren't going and yet somehow, you will still manage to get into college and speak french on your mission and kiss plenty of really good lookin' boys someday. Go easy on yourself, it'll be super helpful to me one day.

hugs,
kc

Fire Eye

A few months ago a friend brought the “one month rule” to my attention. When it comes to major life disruptions-breakups, career dissatisfaction, divorce, death-you get one month to moan about it and then your friends get to start tuning you out. She said that even when her mother died, an event that would seem to lend itself to extra time in the grieving process, a month was just about as long as people on the outside of the situation could listen to her cry.

Maybe it sounds a little harsh but I’ve become a firm believer in the one month rule. So much so that I’m trying to institute a firm time limit on how much I’ll let my heart and mind go back and forth on an issue. After 30 days, you’ve said everything you can say, you’ve analyzed everything you can analyze and it’s time to move on. It doesn’t have to mean you’ve gotten over the problem, but it does mean you have to stop dwelling on it.

I’m pretty sure that all my worries and fears about my move are dangerously close to hitting the deadline so Wednesday night I called a friend to get out one last big burst of concern. I can’t stress enough how much I understand, and am grateful for, how lucky I am that there are still some folks left in Boston who I love and trust. Not everyone has that kind of net when they land in a new place and I want to make it really clear that I get it.

I tried hard to be positive but I had managed to work myself into quite a panic over pretty much every aspect of my life-worries about everything from the somewhat sketchy part of Boston I decided to live in, to boy stuff, to that nagging “I just never wanted to live here again” feeling that I can’t seem to kick. I have just felt like I traded being sort of miserable at work to being happy at work and miserable the other 16 hours of the day. All of which combines to make me doubt everything about the real and peaceful confirmations all along the way that this was a good decision for me. My naturally upbeat personality is constantly at war with what is also my natural tendency towards fear and worry. That back and forth can make for a tough time spiritually as a relationship with God is almost entirely dependent on faith.

So my friend and I had a very nice chat and it finally settled into my heart and my brain that God does not communicate through fear. My worried and unsettled feelings are not His way of saying, “wow, you’ve made a huge mistake.” They are completely unproductive emotions that are only serving to make this transition tougher than it needs to be. I kept thinking about the way my parents were so patient and kind when I was such a mess my first semester of college. I’m certain that as some point they must have been tired of all my complaints but they were never anything but loving and supportive. They knew way better than I did that going away to school was the best thing for me and eventually I was going to be OK. I think that’s where I am now with Boston. I still think it’s OK to admit when you are scared and to be attentive when you really do think you might be making a mistake. But for the most part, dwelling on that stuff and constantly second guessing yourself just gets you stuck.

The last few months have provided enormous opportunites for growth, some of which I have taken and some of which quite frankly I think I let pass me by. But I’m learning a lot even when it means falling on my face. I think I'm ready for a little coasting for a bit.

Here is a video that I love, by a band that I love, that reminds me of a night in Boston years ago with a bunch of people that I love. It feels really appropriate.



I'M NOT SCARED!

Day Four

So um, I'm still watching Felicity in all my spare time. Good thing it's cold and rainy outside so I don't have to worry that I'm wasting my time.

Gold Rush

In my unpacking my roommate discovered my DVD's of the second season of Felicity. We are now on episode seven. I forgot how much I love this show. I have sometimes joked that every problem in my life can be solved by an episode of Felicity. I am only sort of kidding. Something in one of the episodes hit a nerve last night and I ended up having a long overdue but still difficult conversation today. Here's hoping that my Season Two goes as well as hers. This is a fourth season flashback to one of my favorite moments. I was always more a Noel fan than a Ben fan but boy did these two have some awesome chemisty.

Busy Signal

I'm finally sleeping in my own bed again. After a two and a half week trek across the country, my belongings have caught up with me and I'm in the process of trying to stuff my suburban house into my new city apartment. I will never take closets and drawer space for granted!

It was a great week at work. Boy do I love my new job. I feel one hundred percent in over my head but it's not really a step forward if you don't feel a bit out of your element right?

Beauty Spot

Four years ago today, I was newly moved to Boston and on a work trip to San Francisco. Through absolutely NO weaseling on my part, the trip happened to coincide with the birthday of a young gentleman living in that city that I was fond of at the time AND a Low concert. So that night, with about 14 of our friends, we held hands and swayed and listened to some of the quietest music known to indie man. The boy is long gone but one of my trusty social networking sites reminded me today that it was birthday so I couldn't help taking a step or two down memory lane. It was one of those nights that still glows when I think about it. Perfect in every way.

Here are some things that are perfect in every way as well.

Kate Nash singing a song that is so pretty and so tender but also pretty depressing. So of course I am obsessed with it.


And a cover of a Van Morrison song by that guy from the movie Once (he's also the lead singer of The Frames), a little film that is also so pretty and so tender but also a little bittersweet. After careful review, I think I like this cover even better than the original. Sorry Van.
Hungry For Your Love

Good Winter

Lest you think all I've been doing is crying for the last two weeks...I did get my first taste of Garage Band last night after a delicious dinner, cooked by men no less, bought some lovely new shoes for way way less than they should have cost, gone for a few beautiful runs through the city, had a fun evening in Providence with two dear friends, and caught up with a bunch of familiar faces at church yesterday. One things I will say for myself is that even when I am suffering from paralyzing amounts of self-inflicted fear, the crazy sticks mainly inside my head and I still manage to function quite normally.

So in honor of my new and frigid home,here is a song that has spent an inordinate amount of time on my iPod this week. The artist goes by the name Bon Iver which is a play on the french word for winter. I may put these lyrics on a notecard for frequent reference..

I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind.

Dirty Water

One week in Boston down, is it okay if I say 103 weeks to go?

I've been trying to write a post all week that doesn't come off like the whiney spoiled brat I think I am being right now but I've finally decided that it would be very insincere. And although I don't always give you all brilliance or insight, I do try to bring you sincerity. So here goes...

I love my job. I work in a big cool building on the waterfront that is full of beautiful design space and fabulous views. I belong to a team of people who are smart and creative and strategic. Our little brand has an inordinate amount of potential and the full support of an innovative parent company. The first day I felt completely overwhelmed but by Friday, I know this place is going to be a great home.

But then I have to leave and go to my actual home. And home is not my sleepy little beach town anymore. Home is not taco tuesday and lazy runs down by the water. Home is scarves and deadbolts and crowded subways and eight inches of snow. It reminds me of this dream I have sometimes where I somehow decide to be a full-time missionary again. Even though a mission was exactly the right experience for me and I wouldn't trade having gone for anything in the world, when I find myself out there again I have a complete panic attack until I wake myself up. That's how I feel right now in Boston. I went to church today and it actually started to unnerve me by the time the sixth or seventh person said, "wow, I am stunned to see YOU back here." Well that makes eight of us pal.

I've been having this debate with myself for about a year now-if forced to choose, would I rather be blissful at work or blissful at home? I realize that the real answer is duh, both. But for quite sometime I was not happy at work and it was affecting my ability to enjoy my real life. I guess we'll see if loving my job is something that can carry me through until home really feels like home.

Let me be clear. I can pinpoint the very moment when I knew something major had to change in my life and as a friend pointed out, it was not very long ago. I know that I am extremely lucky to have gotten the job I did, as quickly as I did, with very little effort on my part. Even my interview process, which was certainly nerve-wracking, was relatively smooth compared to my normally high strung standards. So I know I'm in the right place. I know I'm going to get over all my nerves. I know it's not fair to this experience to hold it hostage to my disappointments from the last time around. But change is not easy-even good, positive changes. When I moved back to California last time, I moved right back into a comfort zone. A comfort zone where I was extremely happy and had lots and lots of fun and was definitely the place for me to be for the last few years. But it was time to make some progress and I can already see a million little things I have learned in this process.

So yes, I am homesick. I'm only going to feel a little bit bad about that. Not being homesick would mean I wasn't very invested in my last life and I was. I'll let myself feel this for a little while and try not to be too embarrassed about it.

TAGGED!

I am really bad at following through when I get blog tagged but I need a good reason to stop writing posts about how freaked out I am about my crazy new life. So here we go:

10 yrs ago:
I was getting ready to graduate from college. If the journals I ran across while packing last weekend are accurate, I was freaking out about what to do with myself. I was also working on turning in my mission papers. And I'm sure I was in the throes of some pointless crush on an uninterested boy.

5 Things on my to do list Today:
take a shower, catch up on emails, call my sister, repack my stuff, go to bed on time.

Things I would do if I suddenly was a Billionaire:
buy a house for everyone in my family.

3 of my bad habits:
I drink too much Diet Coke, I stay up WAY too late,

Places I have lived:
Salt Lake City, UT; Cedar City UT; Geneva Switzerland; Huntington Beach, CA; Boston, MA

Jobs I have had:
Nanny, bookstore cashier, video store drone, dollar bill folder, sport coordinator, marketing manager

Things most people don't know about me:
I have a weird obsession with Julia Child, my second to is longer than my first (sign of royalty!), if I see the first minutes of Law and Order:SVU, I have to watch it. Have to. In fact, I'm watching my second episode tonight right now.

Touchdown

While I have an overwhelming list of pros about this big move, the one little con is that I really, really don't want to move back to Boston. I was ready for a geographic change and I'm excited beyond reason about the job, but I haven't been able to shake the dread at going back to city I just wasn't sad to leave the last time around. I got on that plane two years ago without shedding a single tear so my stomach has been in knots about returning. It is ever a good idea to go back to someone who kicked you around last time? Could this place be different a second time around?

I know the people around me last week were probably sick of me acting like a scared child about this whole AMAZING opportunity and that's probably why I managed to climb on that airplane yesterday. We landed and I cried. The friend who picked me up asked me if I was glad to be back and I didn't know how to answer.

Then.

I got to the temporary corporate housing I'll be calling home for a bit right down in the heart of the city. I unpacked a little and then I headed out to find something to eat. It was cold enough but not obscenely so and there were people everywhere. The shops were full, the restaurants were crowded. I walked all over the place, stopped in enough shoe and clothing stores to remind myself that I am not stuck in down coats and boots for the rest of forever and ended up eating delicious pumpkin ravioli in a bustling little cafe/bookstore on Newbury Street. There is an energy to this city that somehow slipped my mind. Or that I didn't really take advantage of the last time I was here...that might be the true issue here. I have this uneasy feeling that I kept Boston at arms length last time. I was pretty busy hating my job, living in the suburbs and being sad about dumb boys to have put much effort into making this my home. So I made a decision last night at the Shaw's market near my hotel that I live here now. I am committed to this place. I will let myself put down a root or two. Stay tuned.

On The Way Up

After my job at the Olympics ended a few years ago, and before I had found a new one, I was housesitting for a week for some friends up in the Avenues in Salt Lake. I was sort of freaked out that I had zero idea what I wanted to do with life so everyday when I went out for a run I would listen to "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World over and over, paying particular attention to the lines

"It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine "

So yesterday morning, as I set out to go running in the Avenues from my sister's house on E Street, I had to laugh at myself a little for all this worrying I've been doing the last few weeks. It's as if I completely forgot that six years ago I packed up my little car and headed to California with a new job and nowhere to live and everything everything indeed turned out just fine.

Welcome to the World!

If you are friends with me, chances are you are friends with another one of my siblings. We tend to come as a package deals.

In keeping with that pattern, I am telling you that my sister ems started a blog and I guarantee it's going to be awesome.

Finito

Yesterday was my last day at work.

It was weird. I had a whole bunch of "hand-off" conference calls, a few meetings and then all of the sudden it was 5:00 and it was time to hand over my computer and pick up my last check. I expected to feel an enormous sense of relief walking out the door but instead I left with a jumble of mixed emotions. I was up until almost 2 last night thinking thinking thinking. And woke up this morning worrying worrying worrying.

THEN. I did a bunch of errands, got my possessions sorted and ready for packing and headed out for a run. It's been cold and windy the last couple of weeks but today was sunny and warm so I went down to the beach. We have really low tide right now so I decided to run on the sand. It was about 5 in the afternoon, the sun was low, there were people all over-everything I love love love about this town. I started thinking about my new job and now I am excited about, and how much fun Boston is going to be and ended up with the best run I have had in months. Leaving on Tuesday is going to be really hard, but I'm finally relaxing into this whole experience. It feels really good.

Give in

Alright fine, I'm just going to let myself admit that I'm freaked out about this whole Boston business.

I know-moving to a cool new city to take a great new job really should not be this terrifying. Especially for a person who has not exactly been sitting around doing nothing. This is not my first big change, nor my first new job, and not even my first cross country move (third! it's my third!).

I haven't quit a job before though (my last job was with the Olympics-those just end!) and it's been five and a half years since I was the new girl. The last two times I started over it was only half way over. My job has made me crazy for most of the time I have been there, but it's a crazy that I understand. A crazy I've gotten really good at navigating. I like being really great at what I do and I have some pretty high expectations for myself at the new place. And um, I'm pretty sure they have some as well. I have moments of full scale panic about having accepted yet another job with tons of travel and that nagging fear that God is advancing my career because a family of my own is not in the cards for me.

However, being afraid-and being open about being afraid-sure brings the kindness of friends out of the woodwork. I have gotten so many sweet emails and phone calls from folks who just want to offer nice bits of advice. The theme seems to be that it's OK to be scared. It's not OK to let fear keep you from doing something you know is right for you. So that's what I am trying to do-I'm letting myself be scared. It doesn't make me weak if I'm nervous about the unknown as long as I keep walking towards it.

Harvest Moon

I love the last quiet hour of the day. Even when I get home very late, I still have to take about an hour to wind down. Whether it be blogging, journaling, or reading in my bed, it's so delicious to have this time to myself before I fall asleep.

I was cleaning music off my work computer today and I found this song that somehow slipped by. It sounds like the last hour of my day feels.

Come in the Harvest

Karma

I remember lying in bed one night in college, after I had finally stopped hating every second of it and was actually enjoying myself, "well now I know how to make a big move and get through it, it will never be hard again. I totally have this mastered."

The moral of this story is that you think lots of really stupid things when you are 18.

Crazy Town

I must be out of my mind to leave this.

Tears in Heaven

So here is the official tear count for Sunday, January 27, 2008.

Cried on the phone to my sister Emily as I confessed that what follows the job quitting elation is the terrifying reality that every single part of my life is about to change.

Made a comment in a class at church and couldn't hold it together because the lesson addressed exactly what I am feeling right now.

Sobbed through the last 30 minutes of Steel Magnolias.

Watched Oprah's interview with Daniel Day Lewis and started to cry when he spoke about Heath Ledger's death and got choked up himself.

Went over to see Corey's new house and got in a conversation about moving which set me off again.

Then we got word that the President of the LDS church, Gordon B. Hinckley, died tonight. Even though he was 97, sick and his sweet wife died several years ago, it is a big loss for my church. He's been the leader my entire adult life and so I definitely got emotional at the news.

Conversations with both of my parents about his death and their questions about the move triggered what I think were the last tears of the night-barring some tragic event in the next 90 minutes.

I think anyone who knows me would say that I am generally a fairly positive, optimistic person. So it's perplexing to me why I get almost paralyzed with fear when it comes to big events in my life. I begged my mother to come and get me from college for almost the entire first quarter. The week before I started my first job I would stare at the ceiling every night and imagine all the ways in which I was sure to disappoint my future employer. This morning I kept pushing snooze because waking up meant allowing a steady stream of worries to start marching through my brain.

So back to that lesson at church. I had a teacher at the Missionary Training Center, where I spent 10 weeks studying before heading off to Switzerland, who drilled the phrase "where there is fear there is not faith" into our little brains. It's a principle that I know to be true but also one that I have struggled with most of my life. Claiming to have a relationship with God should probably mean that I trust in His ability to take care of me and to feel in peace in decisions I felt like He helped me make. Otherwise I am wasting a lot of time and emotion and obedience right? Faith isn't really faith if you demand to see exactly how it's all going to work out. Our lesson today addressed this issue of Fear VS Faith and as soon as I raised my hand to make a comment, I realized exactly how much I was letting my worries and concerns overshadow what is one of the best opportunities of my young career. Leaving a place I love, and people I love, for a lot of unknowns in a place I couldn't wait to leave the last time around is-and probably should be-scary. But I have yet to regret following through with something I feared. Maybe that's how you know you are brave-you keep doing the things even though they scare you to death.

I haven't quite been able to shut off all the ridiculous thoughts pinging around my brain right now but I'm aware that they are indeed ridiculous and I'm not going to let them talk me out of something that I really am so excited about. Besides, I really don't think my tear ducts can handle another day like this one.

Ta-dah!

Anyone who has been around me much in the last couple of months can probably tell you that I've been acting a little bit squirrely. I don't do well keeping giant secrets and it seems like I've been bursting with them lately.

A few months ago I was feeling antsy about a myriad of things in my life-wondering if I was in the right job, if I should start thinking about buying a house, if I'm being lazy socially. I suppose it's general stuff that everyone goes through but in the years since I graduated from college I've been able to do a lot of interesting things and always felt like I was progressing. Feeling stuck is unfamiliar and very, very uncomfortable. So when a call came out of nowhere for a job opportunity in a place I had never planned to go again, it seemed like a bad idea to tell the universe I wasn't interested.

Four nerve-racking interviews and two months later I'm headed back to my old Boston stomping grounds to manage marketing for a little fashion sneaker and apparel brand.

I was driving home along PCH last night, buzzing with excitement about the job and the move but also feeling very mixed about leaving this place that I love. If my life had a theme over the last few years it would probably be "do over". I got a chance to come back to California and do it better than I did the first and I'm getting that same opportunity with Boston. I kicked and screamed the whole way last time and never fully allowed myself to settle in like I probably should have.

So that's my news. I'll be busy the next few weeks trying to wrap up my life here and get the new one started but you know I won't be able to stay away from THIS little corner of my world...

Secrets and l-i-e-s

I have a secret. A really good one.












I'll tell you later.

Overload

I spent some wee hours this weekend in a dowloading frenzy and I found three things I'm excited about.

Old New Bicycle by Helvetia

Your Reverie by Kelley Stolz

Frankie's Gun by The Felice Brothers

And then this is a live version of Sunday Bloody Sunday with a little snippet of Get Up Stand Up in the middle. Sometimes I don't know if I actually like U2 or I just like the fact that I have a dozen memories associated with every single one of their songs. I guess it doesn't matter does it?
Sunday Bloody Sunday

Fight

My friends are on their way to see Rogue Wave right now and I really should have gone with them. But I have early morning meetings so I'm choosing getting bed at a reasonable hour over a super awesome show. I know I will come to regret this decision.


So I'll just listen to this over and over to make myself feel better. Although, not a great song for feeling better.
Desperate

Finally

This song wins track of the week for these lines alone:

I’ll understand if your heart has been won
But I’d still like to know
If I’m still in the game

Show Me Yourself

Credit to Corey for passing this one along.

Is it just me or was this week about a hundred years long?

Moving on Up

Exciting news at work!

I don't really want her name, my name and the company name appearing here on the blog but this project has been the main focus on my life for the last six months so I am too excited not to say something!!!

Medley

I wanted to write a post about my baby brother's wedding but my dad wrote this which is way better than the "OMG IT WAS SO FUN!! LOL!" post I was writing.

I went to see Kate Nash at The Troubadour last night and she was a delight. This song is a pretty dead on description of how successful my crushes usually are. At least I'm not alone right?

My sister's birthday is coming up and I'm thinking of getting her a gift certificate to some classes here. Pretty sure her future husband will thank me.

It's over a year old and I am still not tired of this song.

My company is making a big announcement tomorrow about that big star I met with all those months ago. My head might explode from excitement.

And lastly, it's about 70 degrees right now in Southern California. Why on earth do people live anywhere else?

Perspective

As much fun as it is to watch all the fantastic dresses walking the red carpet of the Golden Globes, I feel a certain amount of satisfaction that this year's press conference award show was representative of the relative unimportance of Hollywood award shows in the grand scheme of things.

I was up at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills this week for a meeting and happened to be waiting for my car alongside former America's Next Top Model judge Janice Dickinson. When it came, she walked around to the passenger side and was getting something out of her purse when a stray papparazo darted onto the driveway and tried to take a picture. Janice looked delighted but the entire doorman/valet force on duty lunged for the guy and started shouting "off the property line! off the property line!". One of them grabbed the camera and put his hand over the lens and the guy ran off. I noticed another one lurking around behind the bushes separating the hotel from the street, waiting for her to pull out. It's not like this was the first time it ever occurred to me that our preoccupation with celebrities is stupid but something about seeing that kind of ridiculous drama over someone getting into a car for crying out loud just made me feel extra creeped out. Isn't is sort of appalling that there is an entire-and incredibly lucrative-industry based completely on following people around and talking photos of every move they make? And it's even dumber that the people they are following around tend to be mostly narcissistic, spoiled, self-important wastes of our collective time and attention.

If you read this blog at all you know that I looooove the enterainment industry. But I would watch 30 Rock even if it never won an Emmy. I would buy CD's and go to movies even if I'd never seen a photo of Reese Witherspoon getting a latte. Can you imagine how absurd it would be if you suddenly started seeing tabloid photos of your dentist or the guy who changes your oil? If mmagazines started running articles about what your hairstylist thought about the war in Iraq? I'm really trying harder lately to keep my intake of celebrity gossip to snacks, not seven course meals. The only way they quit making it is if we stop paying for it right?

That said, I WAS thrilled to see Tina Fey win for being awesome at being a mess on 30 Rock. My heroine. But not the kind you inject.

High

It took me about four or five days at home to stop dreaming about work so I guess it's only fair that it's taken me a few days of work to stop thinking I'd much rather be sleeping in and playing with people in Utah. It was just painful to be in the office this week.

However, friday did indeed come and it's finally getting lighter in the evening so I don't feel so much like I'm driving home in the dead of night. I listened to NPR most of the way home because I have developed a raging addiction to any and all Election 08 talk. Last night there was a pretty hysterical rendition of "Midnight Train to Georgia" on 30 Rock (which, if you are not watching, you must hate America.) so after getting my fill of political theorizing, I was in the mood for a little Mowtown.

All I had in my iPod was Ain't No Mountain High Enough. And it's a track I bought on iTunes so I can't post it for you to download but I found a version of it on YouTube.

I have no words for how fantastic this song is. From the very first "aaaaaa-aaaaa" right after the music starts to build 26 seconds in my brain starts to melt. Diana Ross has a voice that honestly sounds like silk. It may well be that Florence Ballard was the Supreme with the strongest pipes but all that tells me is that hearing them all live must have been a near trancendent experience. Diana kills this. No matter where I am when this song comes on-in the car, out for a run, shopping-whatever-at 4 minutes and 18 second when the song hits it's climax I HAVE to stop and sing along. And every time it's a war with myself-do I do "ain't no mountain!" with the backup singers or do all the "ooo!" and "oh oh's!" with Diana. I am always jealous of people who can sing anyway but this song turns me totally green.


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The rest

One of my favorite presents this year was a little "joy" necklace that my friend Rebecca gave me. The somewhat abridged version of the story is that we became instant best friends when she moved to Utah in fifth grade. We were the shortest and youngest girls in the class so it just made sense that we hang out. I LOVED her but even from a young age, there was a big disparity in our popularity levels. Other girls were constantly trying to move in on "best friend" territory and boys would call me looking for her phone number. To be quite honest, I always felt really insecure about our relationship.

Cut to the great locker partner split of eighth grade. Over the summer Rebecca decided to locker with someone else. I was devastated. I ended up with a girl who was actually really nice and cool and fun and I often regretted that my sadness at being rejected by someone else probably kept me from getting too close to this potential new friend. The following year Rebecca made the cheerleading squad, I was firmly entrenched in honors classes and the drama club and we barely spoke for the rest of our public school lives.

I look back on the little me of those years and I wish she had been a little braver. I wish she had put a little less stock in who was "cool" and who wasn't. She was a good kid with a lot of talents and she spent a disproportionate amount of her time worrying about her lowly place on the high school food chain. I have a feeling that if I end up with children, I will get one like her and that could drive the adult me nutso. I hope I will be patient with her tender feelings.

Then my junior year of college I was with some friends at a house I didn't live in and the phone rang for me. It was Rebecca. Calling to apologize for snipping me out of her life all those years ago. I was floored. A mix of, "it's about freakin' time and by the way I don't need this because I turned out just fine without you," and "wow, I'm so happy to have my friend back." It took a few years before the first feelings went away. I was uncomfortable with the after school special-esque idea that I'd been pining away in my nerd castle waiting for the cool girl to see that I was actually pretty OK. It's funny how your social standing as a 16 year old gets so imprinted on your brain that you often continue to operate at a high school maturity level well into your twenties.

As real live adults Rebecca and I have gotten back to super close. She is married now and has one of the most adorable curly haired babies ever. In recent months we've been able to spend some good quality time together and I know precisely why I liked her so much in the first place.

So over lunch at Rich's Bagels in Salt Lake she gave me a box of two little silver "joy" necklaces with the explanation that we never got "best friend" necklaces as kids. I thought about all the times I wanted to nail one to her forehead so no one else could steal her. I was so terrified of losing her as a friend that I know I sometimes got annoyingly possessive. I wish there was some way to let my junior high self know that really really-this was all going to be OK.

I am guilty of wanting to know right this second how things are going to "turn out" when my experience tells me that the real ending is always better than the one I imagined. How incredibly frustrating that I can't seem to learn a lesson I get taught over. and over. and over. One of the many things a future daughter and I can fight about I suppose. I'm wearing the necklace now as a reminder. I hope this time it sticks.

One thing that will always remind me of sleepovers with Rebecca is making up dances to Milli Vanilli songs. This one was a particular favorite-we loved the dialogue at the beginning. Oddly prophetic those guys-whoever they were.

Old

iTunes is pretty much the main reason I bought my computer. It's like having the radio station OF MY BRAIN. I never know what will come up but I know it will be awesome.

All to say that this forgotten gem cycled though last night and made me happy. Even though the song is absurdly sad.

I'm still trying to figure out how to balance my 10 new healthy habits with all the time I used to spend um, goofing off, but I promise there will be something of value on this blog again soon.

Although seriously that song is really good.

Resolved

Well my super awesome ridiculously long and really fun vacation has come to an end. It was quite a shock to my system to get up before 10 this morning and actually be a productive member of society. I have some things to post about my time in Utah but tonight is a time for resolutions. I am kicking off the year by competing in a "healthy habits" contest with some friends. One of those habits in getting seven hours of sleep so I'm making this short tonight.

I'll just leave you with this funny article about Dixville Notch, New Hampshire where the first primary votes have already been cast. I was sort of "eh" about this Presidential election but Iowa got me thinking that this could be a really fascinating year.

Check it out...
http://youdecide08.foxnews.com/2008/01/08/mccain-obama-win-first-ballots-in-dixville-notch-nh/

Happy New Year!!