Tears in Heaven

So here is the official tear count for Sunday, January 27, 2008.

Cried on the phone to my sister Emily as I confessed that what follows the job quitting elation is the terrifying reality that every single part of my life is about to change.

Made a comment in a class at church and couldn't hold it together because the lesson addressed exactly what I am feeling right now.

Sobbed through the last 30 minutes of Steel Magnolias.

Watched Oprah's interview with Daniel Day Lewis and started to cry when he spoke about Heath Ledger's death and got choked up himself.

Went over to see Corey's new house and got in a conversation about moving which set me off again.

Then we got word that the President of the LDS church, Gordon B. Hinckley, died tonight. Even though he was 97, sick and his sweet wife died several years ago, it is a big loss for my church. He's been the leader my entire adult life and so I definitely got emotional at the news.

Conversations with both of my parents about his death and their questions about the move triggered what I think were the last tears of the night-barring some tragic event in the next 90 minutes.

I think anyone who knows me would say that I am generally a fairly positive, optimistic person. So it's perplexing to me why I get almost paralyzed with fear when it comes to big events in my life. I begged my mother to come and get me from college for almost the entire first quarter. The week before I started my first job I would stare at the ceiling every night and imagine all the ways in which I was sure to disappoint my future employer. This morning I kept pushing snooze because waking up meant allowing a steady stream of worries to start marching through my brain.

So back to that lesson at church. I had a teacher at the Missionary Training Center, where I spent 10 weeks studying before heading off to Switzerland, who drilled the phrase "where there is fear there is not faith" into our little brains. It's a principle that I know to be true but also one that I have struggled with most of my life. Claiming to have a relationship with God should probably mean that I trust in His ability to take care of me and to feel in peace in decisions I felt like He helped me make. Otherwise I am wasting a lot of time and emotion and obedience right? Faith isn't really faith if you demand to see exactly how it's all going to work out. Our lesson today addressed this issue of Fear VS Faith and as soon as I raised my hand to make a comment, I realized exactly how much I was letting my worries and concerns overshadow what is one of the best opportunities of my young career. Leaving a place I love, and people I love, for a lot of unknowns in a place I couldn't wait to leave the last time around is-and probably should be-scary. But I have yet to regret following through with something I feared. Maybe that's how you know you are brave-you keep doing the things even though they scare you to death.

I haven't quite been able to shut off all the ridiculous thoughts pinging around my brain right now but I'm aware that they are indeed ridiculous and I'm not going to let them talk me out of something that I really am so excited about. Besides, I really don't think my tear ducts can handle another day like this one.