Ghostbuster

I have sort of deliberately avoided venturing into my old neighborhood since I got back to Boston. I've had plenty of walks down memory lane over the last two months and they are always pretty bittersweet. So many of the people who made this place wonderful the last go around are gone and I really miss them. I had great friends here. But tonight my friend and former roommate was visiting and staying in our old house so I went over to pick her up. Our little suburb is very woody and the trees are in full spring bloom right now so it was really pretty.As I got off on my exit I wasn't really sure how I was going to feel. It's surprising how random the memories can be of a place you lived in for a long time. There were things I was expecting to think about that I didn't and other experiences that came rushing back. There is this really dirty little grocery store on the corner that a roommate directed me to my very first night there. I remember walking in and it was cold and dark and the produce looked so pathetic and I was convinced I had made a really, really bad decision. When I got to the house I walked over and poked my nose in every room. Not much has changed except everything has. We went to a movie and ate ice cream and then Linda and I sat in the driveway and talked and talked. About people we miss. About how much we both hated our jobs all the time we lived together. About how we don't know anything more about boys now than we did then. I have asked the heavens so many times why on earth I had to come here then. My job nearly sucked the life out of me, I got my heart fairly shattered a couple of times and I spent a lot of time cursing the weather and writing checks for parking tickets. And yet, I don't have enough fingers to count the important friendships I made here. I think maybe I'm finally OK with that being reason enough.

I turned the music up really loud as I drove home and let myself have a good cry. There are a lot of ghosts in my head right now, some of them are asking me questions, wondering if I have actually learned anything in the last four years. I don't know what to tell them. I'm so happy at work and I'm feeling less like I'm fooling everyone and more like I'm really good at what I do. But then last night I let myself act like an idiot to someone important to me and that is so disappointing. Sometimes I feel like as soon as I get one flaw somewhat under control, there is another uglier one waiting to take it's place. Maybe I should just make friends with the ones I have and leave it at that!

It's late and I think I'm mostly rambling at this point, this whole experience of coming back to a place I was so anxious to leave has been overwhelming but also really good for me. I was a little bit stuck in my last life and it's been really good for me to just move-forward or backward, it's good to be in motion.