Wrong

Some random thoughts on a can't get to sleep saturday night...

-It's hard to beat the combination of a really good run, a little bit of weight lifting and half an hour laying in the sauna.

-I love people who know how to leave a great voicemail message. My friend Bev is an expert. She left me a message the other night about her feelings toward the Massachusetts DMV that had me laughing out loud and totally missing having her around. People say technology makes our communication impersonal but I feel like it opens up all sorts of new options. There is something quite wonderful about being able to listen to a particularly good message so many times you have it memorized.

-I was putting together a shelving unit today that I bought six years ago as a temporary solution to a tiny bedroom that has somehow now managed to travel back and forth across the country three times. I found a sticker stuck to the back of it for a long defunct website some boys I know wrote that made me smile. Way way before everyone on planet earth had a blog, and even slightly before Friendster started the social networking frenzy, these guys were writing journal type entries about music and movies and girls and etc. I called one of them so someone could share my fond memory and got this gem of a quote; me: "so what are you up to?" him: "well i am just getting up from an entire afternoon on my bed. My back kind of hurts." It's too bad the website didn't last.

-My friend Chloe sent me a great care package today that included three mix CD's. I know I'm a broken record but I really, really love music. There is a lot of stuff on these discs that I don't know and then some that I'm enjoying hearing differently. That might be my favorite thing about a mix-getting a song you already know in a new context. She put "The Promise" by Tracy Chapman on one them which is a song I have probably listened to one million times over the years. It got a little overplayed there for a bit but wow, it's just so beautiful and tender and comforting. Tracy Chapman probably has a higher percentage of songs that make me cry actual tears than any other artist I know. Even her old "Fast Car" can still get me going if it hit just right. Anyway, these CD's are a treat and made a great soundtrack tonight while I unpacked one of my last remaining boxes and packed for my swedish adventure. What a thoughtful friend.

-I watched quite a bit of 30 Rock on DVD this week since there is nothing on real TV. The more I watch that show the more I think I'm OK with everyone saying I remind them of Liz Lemon.

-This move has reminded me what an introvert I am by nature. I've been going nuts trying to figure out why on earth I am so worn out lately and it finally occurred to me that being new everywhere and trying so hard to be impressive at work and get out of my little comfort zone socially has juat about done me in. I think I'm a bit of an oddball because I genuinely enjoy making friends and talking and getting attention but I have to work pretty hard not to be nervous around new people and situations. My natural tendency is to stick to the walls.

-I think my nightowlishness is getting worse. I finally fell asleep at 4 last night but I think I could have stayed up even longer. It's 2 right now and I just don't want to go to bed. And then six hours from now I'll want to throw my alarm across the room. The schedule of the world is not kind to the night owl.

-I hate the ending of "Pretty in Pink". Andie really should have ended up with Duckie. Blaine was a complete tool.

-Boston is a beautiful city. It was freezing but clear today so while I opted to do my run inside, I grabbed dinner at a little place on Newbury Street so I could get out in the city a little bit. This place is adorable.

P.S.

Tonight I watched Step Up with a couple of friends after we ate way, way too much cheesecake for dessert. Obviously the plot is silly and the acting is pretty terrible but the dancing was fantastic and the lead actor has maybe the greatest arms in the history of dance movies. We all spent the whole movie commenting on his hotness. Sometimes it's awesome to spend a night living every girl cliche known to man.

Slipped

I've known about this for two weeks but it was only this morning that it dawned on me-I'M GOING TO SWEDEN ON SUNDAY! The whole "international" part of my marketing job is kicking off with a day in Stockholm and then a few more at our office in Helsingborg. It's a work trip so it's not like I'll be on holiday or anything BUT, I'm practically beside myself about it anyway.

Melt

It's funny how sometimes a little tiny thing can expose the cracks in what you thought was a pretty solid suit of armor.

I made my first attempt to get a new drivers license two weeks ago but did not have the right proof of residence. Unless I want to spend four or five hours in line, getting there before it opens is pretty much my best option and I've had morning meetings pretty much every day since. I'm not even going to launch into the rant asking why exactly California has figured out the concept of having an automated appointment system online that allows you to get in and out of the DMV in about 2.5 seconds. OK maybe just a little.

So today I finally went back, making sure last night that I had SEVERAL pieces of mail with my new address. I had been told that it had to have been mailed to me from something like my bank. I don't have any paper bank statements yet so I brought some other documents from them with me figuring that would work.

I get to the DMV 20 minutes before it opened and of course there is already a line but it didn't look too bad and I already have my paperwork filled out. We all file into the waiting room and I set about waiting. My number gets called about 20 minutes in which is pretty good. I had my paperwork done and all my documents in a nice little pile that I hand to the woman behind the counter. I try to be pleasant and say good morning but she's not having it and doesn't even look at me. She starts typing away and then asks me for proof of residence. I tell her that I wasn't sure exactly what would work so I have my insurance cards, a document from my bank and a letter from my car insurance company. She looks a me and says, "a personal letter doesn't work and that thing from the bank isn't a statement so I can't take it." I specifically remember the woman the time before telling me that I needed "something from your bank with your name on it that has been sent to you through the mail." Which is precisely what I have. I haven't had my bank account in MA long enough to HAVE a bank statement yet and I'm trying to obey that whole "change your license within 30 days" thing I've gotten in trouble for disregarding in the past. I ask her why a bank statement works and this doesn't and she shrugs. I am tempted at that point to ask for a manager but I don't want to be that guy. Thank the heavens above I notice that my checkbook happens to be in my purse even though I never have it with me. So I give that to her and she keeps typing. But the damage to my nerves was done. I was so frustrated that her response to me was just 100% unhelpful. There was no attempt to explain what seems like a really arbitrary rule about WHICH MAILED DOCUMENT FROM MY BANK WITH MY ADDRESS ON IT they will and won't accept ,no, "well let me ask someone, ". Just a smug little shrug. She then asks me if I have my social security card. I had already given her my passport so I say, "I though my passport meant I didn't need it," to which she says, "that was pretty much a yes or no question. Do you have it or not?". To my horror, I hear my voice shake when I answer that I do not have my social security card. I still don't know why she asked because I got the shrug again and she went back to typing. We have another falling out when she asks me to do the eye test and I get a little confused as to which one she wants me to read. At this point I say, "Look, I'm really not trying to annoy you, I just didn't understand what you were asking," and then the tears just start coming. She's asking me questions about photos and telling me to sign stuff and I can't stop them. I feel like a complete idiot, crying in the damn DMV. I will have the world's worst photo for the next 10 years because I could barely get myself to smile.

Now, I am willing to bet that the DMV is not anyone's dream job. You probably take a lot of abuse from people who are upset about various rules and procedures that are not your fault and that you cannot change. So I have a certain amount of sympathy for the folks working the counters there. However, they still chose to work in a job that is essentially customer service and as such, part of your job is to figure out how to deal with jerks and whiners without losing your cool. I am almost annoyingly friendly with people at stores and post offices and airline ticket counters. I've been on the other side of a customer service job and I know you get a lot further being nice. But when confronted with someone who starts our interaction by assuming that I'm going to be a jerk I am always so tempted to prove them totally right. I stood there fighting myself not to ask to talk to her manager. I have a sneaking suspicion that the DMV powers that be are well aware that they do not have a reputation as a bastian of great customer service. My cashier is pregnant and I certainly don't want to be the person snitching on a pregnant lady. So I just stand there and wipe away stupid tears that probably have less to do with the DMV and more to do with just everything.

I'm going to be happy here and already I'm feeling much more settled but wow, this whole moving across the country and changing your whole life thing is just not something I think I'm built to be good at. I get way, way too attached to things and it makes it nigh unto impossible to make a soft landing into a new experience. And doing it alone, as usual, sort of just amplifies everything.

The good news is that I have an MA license, I found a post office (another long story) and I think I actually have time to go to the gym tonight.

All good things.

Still

There are lots of weird things about moving back to a place you once lived but one that i am really enjoying is reconnecting with old friends. Two of my former colleagues work at my new company but in a different office so it wasn't until today that I got to see them. I walked into the building and almost burst into tears when I saw Nancy's smiling face. I did manage to keep it together but after my meetings we talked like little schoolgirls with no regard to how much traffic I was going to hit. It's so much fun meeting new people and having new experiences but there is something so comforting about those folks that share some of your history. I went to lunch this weekend with a friend I have known since college. She and her husband are living here while he goes to dental school and walking into their house on Saturday felt like a relief. I'm settling in here and as we get more sunshine and less bitter cold, my mood is definitely following suit, but I spend a fair amount of time feeling like I have to be "on". Proving myself at work, making friends, trying to give this round of Boston living a clean break from the last round-it can all be a bit exhausting. These moments with people I can relax with have been invaluable.

Also invaluable?

Vampire Weekend. So hot right now that the backlash should be happening before you can say "Diablo Cody" but if this video doesn't get you moving you probably don't have a soul.

Snow Ants

Ingrid Michaelson has yet to misfire with me. Her voice is lovely and her lyrics are sweet and sincere. This song reminds me of some people I watched fall in love once upon a time.

The Hat

Do you get over the first person you loved? Maybe. I've pretty much given up on the idea that feelings will ever fit neatly into chapters. You can be legitimately past something that will still open you up a little bit if you hear the wrong song or or drive by the wrong house. And I've decided that's OK with me. if I'm going to love someone I pretty sure want a little bit of it to stick around, even if it knocks the wind out of me sometimes.

The Long and Winding Road

I read recently that car sales are down amongst the young and hip in Japan. Apparently they would rather spend their disposable income on other stuff.

Clearly I won't be moving to Japan anytime soon as after spending a little over a month as a carless girl in a big city I GLEEFULLY signed the papers on Tuesday to spend a decent chunk of change on a car every month.

I had this fantasy when moved that perhaps I could leave behind the headache of commuting and traffic and insurance and rising gas prices and live my life unfettered by an automobile.

I guess I had supressed all memories of my "pre-auto" life. I didn't have a car in college and although I lived in a tiny town and didn't really NEED one, I was always certain that my life would have changed in dramatic ways if I had the independence afforded by a vehicle. When I finally owned my first car at the advanced age of 23, I discovered I was correct. Having a car is indeed the ticket to freedom you spend all your early teen years dreaming it will be.

My new roommate has been so kind and so patient as she tweaked her schedule to take me on errands, let me tag along on trips to the gym and included me in social plans so I wasn't stuck in our apartment every cold, dark evening but that was starting to wear thin. I probably could have tried harder to make it work but it quickly became clear-I really wanted a car.

So I finally bought one last weekend and I am completely in love. I took the long way home from the dealership and was all excited to run errands that I normally find dull. I went to about 10 different stores looking for something just because I could. On my way to my house this song came on the radio



It's probably more proof that while my body is definitely East Coast these days and I'm working on getting my heart on board, my little spirit remains pretty attached to the open road spaces of the West. In any event, it's good to be able to go to the grocery store and not think about how the heck I'll get this stuff home...

*edit* I wasn't going to say what I bought because it makes me sound like a total yuppie. So here's your clue-it's the swedish car company that isn't Volvo.
**second edit** for you coop, i will add a photo later.

Boo

I promised myself at 5:00 a.m. when I woke up and needed a drink of water than I would A) drink more during the day and B) get to bed on time tonight.

I have lots I want to say but I need to follow through on these promises more.

Goodnight.

Ego Check

I was a party last night and met a guy whose last name sounded familiar. I was pretty sure I had been on a blind date with that last name so he and I spent a good five or ten minutes going through his siblings and cousins and where they all lived trying to figure it out. You know where this is going right? THE DATE WAS WITH HIM.

That's right, we went on a blind date in Salt Lake about six years ago and neither of us remembered the other at all. Good to know I make such a great impression on the menfolk.

Here's a girl who DOES know how make an impression...I've been listening to this song pretty much every other second. Eva Cassidy actually died of breast cancer shortly after making her first album and never got to enjoy any of her fame. A friend introduced me to her many years ago-oddly enough it was around the same time I went on that blind date. A few months later Michelle Kwan skated to Cassidy's version of "Fields of Gold" in the exhibition at the end of the 2002 Olympics. It had been a tough Games for her and the choice of song seemed especially bittersweet. I'm sure it wasn't easy but she skated a flawless performance that night and was as gracious as could be. The wikipedia entry on Eva Cassidy says that Kwan's use of the song that night and through her post-Games appearances helped Eva's album "Songbird" get the exposure to become a certified Gold Record. There is something kinda fitting about that.

Arts and Crafts

My new brand has a retail store and last week we went down to refresh all the marketing materials. I got the painstaking task of repapering the dressing room walls with individual white bordered photos. Now I know you are thinking, "wouldn't it be easier to just make some kind of graphic you could slap on the wall?" To which I would say, "yes, you could, but it wouldn't look anywhere near this cool."

Fever Pitch

The cold I've been trying to stay ahead of finally caught me last night. I spent today on the couch catching up on way more TV on DVD than a person really ought to watch in one sitting. However, I AM feeling quite a bit better so that's awesome.

I also did a little blog hopping and discovered this live version of Oasis doing a cover of Ryan Adam's cover of THEIR song Wonderwall. I already loved the original and then Ryan's version is even more awesome so this is a pretty awesome find.

I hope this cold doesn't kill my weekend!

Shocking

It's cold and rainy in Boston today! That never, ever happens!

Dear me

I ran across some photos from high school while I was moving that I hadn't seen in years. There was one of me at a drama camp my senior year that in particular made me think, "oh funny, insecure little girl, the things I wish I could tell you about the life you are going to have." So today when I saw a book called Letters to My Younger Self, I couldn't help but sit and read almost the whole thing. Each letter is addressed to the woman at a specific and important time of her life and gives advice from her older self. The letters are so tender and sincere and so of course, I wanted to come home and write one of my own.

This one is to my 17 year old self on the night of Homecoming my senior year, one of many boy's choice dances to which I was not invited. A rough night as you can imagine. Here's what I wish I could say to her.

"Dear Miss Katie,

I'm really sorry that you aren't going to the dance tonight. I hope it's at least a little better because if I remember correctly, the boy you liked senior year doesn't even go to your school. That probably sounds like a dumb and not helpful adult thing to say though doesn't it? (What if I tell you that you will see that boy on the street in about five years and you will look adorable and he will look, well, not?)

I wish you knew all the truly amazing things that are going to happen to you in the next 15 years. You will have experiences and opportunities that you don't even know enough to daydream about yet. But one thing I will tell you is that you aren't going to grow up to be a dater. Boys are always going to be one part of your life where you will fail way more than you succeed and will be a near constant source of frustration. My advice to you is that right now-as you are sitting there telling your journal that your grades and your friends and your lead roles in plays and the enormous amount of effort you put into making good choices don't count because you didn't get asked to the dance-is that you learn to stop giving your dating status any sort of power over your happiness. Over the next few years, plenty of boys are going to come in and out of your life. Some of them will feel really significant and then when it turns out they aren't, you will end up wasting a lot of time and energy explaining away the great things about yourself because they weren't interested in you. I'm not trying to depress you-there are some lovely romances ahead I promise-but the overriding state of your love life will be sorta grim. Even now, in my "older and wiser" state, I'll admit to still panicking every once in awhile that I will die alone. But I will also promise you that your thirty one year old self can look back and say that not one of those marathon crush boys you've had or will have is someone you missed out on. There will be some awesome men in your life and some real turkeys too, but worrying and fretting won't change either of those facts. You really won't want to trade the experiences you WILL have for more dinner and a movie nights with random boys. The sooner you can learn this lesson, the more you will be able to enjoy what's coming up. I know somewhere in your heart you know this but getting a boyfriend is not an accomplishment. It's obviously a great goal and hey, I hope we get married one of these days too kid. But if set your worth in the areas of your life that you can control on something that is entirely subjective, you set yourself up for a pretty sad and ungrateful life.

You are such a good little person and it's frustrating as an adult to look back and see how often you tied yourself up in knots over the opinions ofsixteen year old boys. Although if I'm honesty with myself, it's not just you. I suppose the sixty year old me will probably say something similar one of these days about the men around me now.

Let yourself cry tonight, there is nothing wrong with wanting to have those quintessential high school experiences and being sad when you think you are missing out. Just know that "missing out" is relative. It will shock you someday to talk to your current classmates as adults and discover that even alot of the kids at that dance right now spent high school feeling just as lost and insecure as you do. But tomorrow try to do something outside of yourself. Help with your little siblings or write a thank you note or something. Just don't wear yourself out on something that you simply cannot control.

Your life is pretty different now from what you imagine and sometimes fear right now so go ahead and cross "senior prom" off your list. You aren't going and yet somehow, you will still manage to get into college and speak french on your mission and kiss plenty of really good lookin' boys someday. Go easy on yourself, it'll be super helpful to me one day.

hugs,
kc

Fire Eye

A few months ago a friend brought the “one month rule” to my attention. When it comes to major life disruptions-breakups, career dissatisfaction, divorce, death-you get one month to moan about it and then your friends get to start tuning you out. She said that even when her mother died, an event that would seem to lend itself to extra time in the grieving process, a month was just about as long as people on the outside of the situation could listen to her cry.

Maybe it sounds a little harsh but I’ve become a firm believer in the one month rule. So much so that I’m trying to institute a firm time limit on how much I’ll let my heart and mind go back and forth on an issue. After 30 days, you’ve said everything you can say, you’ve analyzed everything you can analyze and it’s time to move on. It doesn’t have to mean you’ve gotten over the problem, but it does mean you have to stop dwelling on it.

I’m pretty sure that all my worries and fears about my move are dangerously close to hitting the deadline so Wednesday night I called a friend to get out one last big burst of concern. I can’t stress enough how much I understand, and am grateful for, how lucky I am that there are still some folks left in Boston who I love and trust. Not everyone has that kind of net when they land in a new place and I want to make it really clear that I get it.

I tried hard to be positive but I had managed to work myself into quite a panic over pretty much every aspect of my life-worries about everything from the somewhat sketchy part of Boston I decided to live in, to boy stuff, to that nagging “I just never wanted to live here again” feeling that I can’t seem to kick. I have just felt like I traded being sort of miserable at work to being happy at work and miserable the other 16 hours of the day. All of which combines to make me doubt everything about the real and peaceful confirmations all along the way that this was a good decision for me. My naturally upbeat personality is constantly at war with what is also my natural tendency towards fear and worry. That back and forth can make for a tough time spiritually as a relationship with God is almost entirely dependent on faith.

So my friend and I had a very nice chat and it finally settled into my heart and my brain that God does not communicate through fear. My worried and unsettled feelings are not His way of saying, “wow, you’ve made a huge mistake.” They are completely unproductive emotions that are only serving to make this transition tougher than it needs to be. I kept thinking about the way my parents were so patient and kind when I was such a mess my first semester of college. I’m certain that as some point they must have been tired of all my complaints but they were never anything but loving and supportive. They knew way better than I did that going away to school was the best thing for me and eventually I was going to be OK. I think that’s where I am now with Boston. I still think it’s OK to admit when you are scared and to be attentive when you really do think you might be making a mistake. But for the most part, dwelling on that stuff and constantly second guessing yourself just gets you stuck.

The last few months have provided enormous opportunites for growth, some of which I have taken and some of which quite frankly I think I let pass me by. But I’m learning a lot even when it means falling on my face. I think I'm ready for a little coasting for a bit.

Here is a video that I love, by a band that I love, that reminds me of a night in Boston years ago with a bunch of people that I love. It feels really appropriate.



I'M NOT SCARED!

Day Four

So um, I'm still watching Felicity in all my spare time. Good thing it's cold and rainy outside so I don't have to worry that I'm wasting my time.

Gold Rush

In my unpacking my roommate discovered my DVD's of the second season of Felicity. We are now on episode seven. I forgot how much I love this show. I have sometimes joked that every problem in my life can be solved by an episode of Felicity. I am only sort of kidding. Something in one of the episodes hit a nerve last night and I ended up having a long overdue but still difficult conversation today. Here's hoping that my Season Two goes as well as hers. This is a fourth season flashback to one of my favorite moments. I was always more a Noel fan than a Ben fan but boy did these two have some awesome chemisty.

Busy Signal

I'm finally sleeping in my own bed again. After a two and a half week trek across the country, my belongings have caught up with me and I'm in the process of trying to stuff my suburban house into my new city apartment. I will never take closets and drawer space for granted!

It was a great week at work. Boy do I love my new job. I feel one hundred percent in over my head but it's not really a step forward if you don't feel a bit out of your element right?

Beauty Spot

Four years ago today, I was newly moved to Boston and on a work trip to San Francisco. Through absolutely NO weaseling on my part, the trip happened to coincide with the birthday of a young gentleman living in that city that I was fond of at the time AND a Low concert. So that night, with about 14 of our friends, we held hands and swayed and listened to some of the quietest music known to indie man. The boy is long gone but one of my trusty social networking sites reminded me today that it was birthday so I couldn't help taking a step or two down memory lane. It was one of those nights that still glows when I think about it. Perfect in every way.

Here are some things that are perfect in every way as well.

Kate Nash singing a song that is so pretty and so tender but also pretty depressing. So of course I am obsessed with it.


And a cover of a Van Morrison song by that guy from the movie Once (he's also the lead singer of The Frames), a little film that is also so pretty and so tender but also a little bittersweet. After careful review, I think I like this cover even better than the original. Sorry Van.
Hungry For Your Love

Good Winter

Lest you think all I've been doing is crying for the last two weeks...I did get my first taste of Garage Band last night after a delicious dinner, cooked by men no less, bought some lovely new shoes for way way less than they should have cost, gone for a few beautiful runs through the city, had a fun evening in Providence with two dear friends, and caught up with a bunch of familiar faces at church yesterday. One things I will say for myself is that even when I am suffering from paralyzing amounts of self-inflicted fear, the crazy sticks mainly inside my head and I still manage to function quite normally.

So in honor of my new and frigid home,here is a song that has spent an inordinate amount of time on my iPod this week. The artist goes by the name Bon Iver which is a play on the french word for winter. I may put these lyrics on a notecard for frequent reference..

I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind.

Dirty Water

One week in Boston down, is it okay if I say 103 weeks to go?

I've been trying to write a post all week that doesn't come off like the whiney spoiled brat I think I am being right now but I've finally decided that it would be very insincere. And although I don't always give you all brilliance or insight, I do try to bring you sincerity. So here goes...

I love my job. I work in a big cool building on the waterfront that is full of beautiful design space and fabulous views. I belong to a team of people who are smart and creative and strategic. Our little brand has an inordinate amount of potential and the full support of an innovative parent company. The first day I felt completely overwhelmed but by Friday, I know this place is going to be a great home.

But then I have to leave and go to my actual home. And home is not my sleepy little beach town anymore. Home is not taco tuesday and lazy runs down by the water. Home is scarves and deadbolts and crowded subways and eight inches of snow. It reminds me of this dream I have sometimes where I somehow decide to be a full-time missionary again. Even though a mission was exactly the right experience for me and I wouldn't trade having gone for anything in the world, when I find myself out there again I have a complete panic attack until I wake myself up. That's how I feel right now in Boston. I went to church today and it actually started to unnerve me by the time the sixth or seventh person said, "wow, I am stunned to see YOU back here." Well that makes eight of us pal.

I've been having this debate with myself for about a year now-if forced to choose, would I rather be blissful at work or blissful at home? I realize that the real answer is duh, both. But for quite sometime I was not happy at work and it was affecting my ability to enjoy my real life. I guess we'll see if loving my job is something that can carry me through until home really feels like home.

Let me be clear. I can pinpoint the very moment when I knew something major had to change in my life and as a friend pointed out, it was not very long ago. I know that I am extremely lucky to have gotten the job I did, as quickly as I did, with very little effort on my part. Even my interview process, which was certainly nerve-wracking, was relatively smooth compared to my normally high strung standards. So I know I'm in the right place. I know I'm going to get over all my nerves. I know it's not fair to this experience to hold it hostage to my disappointments from the last time around. But change is not easy-even good, positive changes. When I moved back to California last time, I moved right back into a comfort zone. A comfort zone where I was extremely happy and had lots and lots of fun and was definitely the place for me to be for the last few years. But it was time to make some progress and I can already see a million little things I have learned in this process.

So yes, I am homesick. I'm only going to feel a little bit bad about that. Not being homesick would mean I wasn't very invested in my last life and I was. I'll let myself feel this for a little while and try not to be too embarrassed about it.

TAGGED!

I am really bad at following through when I get blog tagged but I need a good reason to stop writing posts about how freaked out I am about my crazy new life. So here we go:

10 yrs ago:
I was getting ready to graduate from college. If the journals I ran across while packing last weekend are accurate, I was freaking out about what to do with myself. I was also working on turning in my mission papers. And I'm sure I was in the throes of some pointless crush on an uninterested boy.

5 Things on my to do list Today:
take a shower, catch up on emails, call my sister, repack my stuff, go to bed on time.

Things I would do if I suddenly was a Billionaire:
buy a house for everyone in my family.

3 of my bad habits:
I drink too much Diet Coke, I stay up WAY too late,

Places I have lived:
Salt Lake City, UT; Cedar City UT; Geneva Switzerland; Huntington Beach, CA; Boston, MA

Jobs I have had:
Nanny, bookstore cashier, video store drone, dollar bill folder, sport coordinator, marketing manager

Things most people don't know about me:
I have a weird obsession with Julia Child, my second to is longer than my first (sign of royalty!), if I see the first minutes of Law and Order:SVU, I have to watch it. Have to. In fact, I'm watching my second episode tonight right now.

Touchdown

While I have an overwhelming list of pros about this big move, the one little con is that I really, really don't want to move back to Boston. I was ready for a geographic change and I'm excited beyond reason about the job, but I haven't been able to shake the dread at going back to city I just wasn't sad to leave the last time around. I got on that plane two years ago without shedding a single tear so my stomach has been in knots about returning. It is ever a good idea to go back to someone who kicked you around last time? Could this place be different a second time around?

I know the people around me last week were probably sick of me acting like a scared child about this whole AMAZING opportunity and that's probably why I managed to climb on that airplane yesterday. We landed and I cried. The friend who picked me up asked me if I was glad to be back and I didn't know how to answer.

Then.

I got to the temporary corporate housing I'll be calling home for a bit right down in the heart of the city. I unpacked a little and then I headed out to find something to eat. It was cold enough but not obscenely so and there were people everywhere. The shops were full, the restaurants were crowded. I walked all over the place, stopped in enough shoe and clothing stores to remind myself that I am not stuck in down coats and boots for the rest of forever and ended up eating delicious pumpkin ravioli in a bustling little cafe/bookstore on Newbury Street. There is an energy to this city that somehow slipped my mind. Or that I didn't really take advantage of the last time I was here...that might be the true issue here. I have this uneasy feeling that I kept Boston at arms length last time. I was pretty busy hating my job, living in the suburbs and being sad about dumb boys to have put much effort into making this my home. So I made a decision last night at the Shaw's market near my hotel that I live here now. I am committed to this place. I will let myself put down a root or two. Stay tuned.

On The Way Up

After my job at the Olympics ended a few years ago, and before I had found a new one, I was housesitting for a week for some friends up in the Avenues in Salt Lake. I was sort of freaked out that I had zero idea what I wanted to do with life so everyday when I went out for a run I would listen to "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World over and over, paying particular attention to the lines

"It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine "

So yesterday morning, as I set out to go running in the Avenues from my sister's house on E Street, I had to laugh at myself a little for all this worrying I've been doing the last few weeks. It's as if I completely forgot that six years ago I packed up my little car and headed to California with a new job and nowhere to live and everything everything indeed turned out just fine.

Welcome to the World!

If you are friends with me, chances are you are friends with another one of my siblings. We tend to come as a package deals.

In keeping with that pattern, I am telling you that my sister ems started a blog and I guarantee it's going to be awesome.

Finito

Yesterday was my last day at work.

It was weird. I had a whole bunch of "hand-off" conference calls, a few meetings and then all of the sudden it was 5:00 and it was time to hand over my computer and pick up my last check. I expected to feel an enormous sense of relief walking out the door but instead I left with a jumble of mixed emotions. I was up until almost 2 last night thinking thinking thinking. And woke up this morning worrying worrying worrying.

THEN. I did a bunch of errands, got my possessions sorted and ready for packing and headed out for a run. It's been cold and windy the last couple of weeks but today was sunny and warm so I went down to the beach. We have really low tide right now so I decided to run on the sand. It was about 5 in the afternoon, the sun was low, there were people all over-everything I love love love about this town. I started thinking about my new job and now I am excited about, and how much fun Boston is going to be and ended up with the best run I have had in months. Leaving on Tuesday is going to be really hard, but I'm finally relaxing into this whole experience. It feels really good.

Give in

Alright fine, I'm just going to let myself admit that I'm freaked out about this whole Boston business.

I know-moving to a cool new city to take a great new job really should not be this terrifying. Especially for a person who has not exactly been sitting around doing nothing. This is not my first big change, nor my first new job, and not even my first cross country move (third! it's my third!).

I haven't quit a job before though (my last job was with the Olympics-those just end!) and it's been five and a half years since I was the new girl. The last two times I started over it was only half way over. My job has made me crazy for most of the time I have been there, but it's a crazy that I understand. A crazy I've gotten really good at navigating. I like being really great at what I do and I have some pretty high expectations for myself at the new place. And um, I'm pretty sure they have some as well. I have moments of full scale panic about having accepted yet another job with tons of travel and that nagging fear that God is advancing my career because a family of my own is not in the cards for me.

However, being afraid-and being open about being afraid-sure brings the kindness of friends out of the woodwork. I have gotten so many sweet emails and phone calls from folks who just want to offer nice bits of advice. The theme seems to be that it's OK to be scared. It's not OK to let fear keep you from doing something you know is right for you. So that's what I am trying to do-I'm letting myself be scared. It doesn't make me weak if I'm nervous about the unknown as long as I keep walking towards it.

Harvest Moon

I love the last quiet hour of the day. Even when I get home very late, I still have to take about an hour to wind down. Whether it be blogging, journaling, or reading in my bed, it's so delicious to have this time to myself before I fall asleep.

I was cleaning music off my work computer today and I found this song that somehow slipped by. It sounds like the last hour of my day feels.

Come in the Harvest

Karma

I remember lying in bed one night in college, after I had finally stopped hating every second of it and was actually enjoying myself, "well now I know how to make a big move and get through it, it will never be hard again. I totally have this mastered."

The moral of this story is that you think lots of really stupid things when you are 18.

Crazy Town

I must be out of my mind to leave this.

Tears in Heaven

So here is the official tear count for Sunday, January 27, 2008.

Cried on the phone to my sister Emily as I confessed that what follows the job quitting elation is the terrifying reality that every single part of my life is about to change.

Made a comment in a class at church and couldn't hold it together because the lesson addressed exactly what I am feeling right now.

Sobbed through the last 30 minutes of Steel Magnolias.

Watched Oprah's interview with Daniel Day Lewis and started to cry when he spoke about Heath Ledger's death and got choked up himself.

Went over to see Corey's new house and got in a conversation about moving which set me off again.

Then we got word that the President of the LDS church, Gordon B. Hinckley, died tonight. Even though he was 97, sick and his sweet wife died several years ago, it is a big loss for my church. He's been the leader my entire adult life and so I definitely got emotional at the news.

Conversations with both of my parents about his death and their questions about the move triggered what I think were the last tears of the night-barring some tragic event in the next 90 minutes.

I think anyone who knows me would say that I am generally a fairly positive, optimistic person. So it's perplexing to me why I get almost paralyzed with fear when it comes to big events in my life. I begged my mother to come and get me from college for almost the entire first quarter. The week before I started my first job I would stare at the ceiling every night and imagine all the ways in which I was sure to disappoint my future employer. This morning I kept pushing snooze because waking up meant allowing a steady stream of worries to start marching through my brain.

So back to that lesson at church. I had a teacher at the Missionary Training Center, where I spent 10 weeks studying before heading off to Switzerland, who drilled the phrase "where there is fear there is not faith" into our little brains. It's a principle that I know to be true but also one that I have struggled with most of my life. Claiming to have a relationship with God should probably mean that I trust in His ability to take care of me and to feel in peace in decisions I felt like He helped me make. Otherwise I am wasting a lot of time and emotion and obedience right? Faith isn't really faith if you demand to see exactly how it's all going to work out. Our lesson today addressed this issue of Fear VS Faith and as soon as I raised my hand to make a comment, I realized exactly how much I was letting my worries and concerns overshadow what is one of the best opportunities of my young career. Leaving a place I love, and people I love, for a lot of unknowns in a place I couldn't wait to leave the last time around is-and probably should be-scary. But I have yet to regret following through with something I feared. Maybe that's how you know you are brave-you keep doing the things even though they scare you to death.

I haven't quite been able to shut off all the ridiculous thoughts pinging around my brain right now but I'm aware that they are indeed ridiculous and I'm not going to let them talk me out of something that I really am so excited about. Besides, I really don't think my tear ducts can handle another day like this one.

Ta-dah!

Anyone who has been around me much in the last couple of months can probably tell you that I've been acting a little bit squirrely. I don't do well keeping giant secrets and it seems like I've been bursting with them lately.

A few months ago I was feeling antsy about a myriad of things in my life-wondering if I was in the right job, if I should start thinking about buying a house, if I'm being lazy socially. I suppose it's general stuff that everyone goes through but in the years since I graduated from college I've been able to do a lot of interesting things and always felt like I was progressing. Feeling stuck is unfamiliar and very, very uncomfortable. So when a call came out of nowhere for a job opportunity in a place I had never planned to go again, it seemed like a bad idea to tell the universe I wasn't interested.

Four nerve-racking interviews and two months later I'm headed back to my old Boston stomping grounds to manage marketing for a little fashion sneaker and apparel brand.

I was driving home along PCH last night, buzzing with excitement about the job and the move but also feeling very mixed about leaving this place that I love. If my life had a theme over the last few years it would probably be "do over". I got a chance to come back to California and do it better than I did the first and I'm getting that same opportunity with Boston. I kicked and screamed the whole way last time and never fully allowed myself to settle in like I probably should have.

So that's my news. I'll be busy the next few weeks trying to wrap up my life here and get the new one started but you know I won't be able to stay away from THIS little corner of my world...

Secrets and l-i-e-s

I have a secret. A really good one.












I'll tell you later.

Overload

I spent some wee hours this weekend in a dowloading frenzy and I found three things I'm excited about.

Old New Bicycle by Helvetia

Your Reverie by Kelley Stolz

Frankie's Gun by The Felice Brothers

And then this is a live version of Sunday Bloody Sunday with a little snippet of Get Up Stand Up in the middle. Sometimes I don't know if I actually like U2 or I just like the fact that I have a dozen memories associated with every single one of their songs. I guess it doesn't matter does it?
Sunday Bloody Sunday

Fight

My friends are on their way to see Rogue Wave right now and I really should have gone with them. But I have early morning meetings so I'm choosing getting bed at a reasonable hour over a super awesome show. I know I will come to regret this decision.


So I'll just listen to this over and over to make myself feel better. Although, not a great song for feeling better.
Desperate

Finally

This song wins track of the week for these lines alone:

I’ll understand if your heart has been won
But I’d still like to know
If I’m still in the game

Show Me Yourself

Credit to Corey for passing this one along.

Is it just me or was this week about a hundred years long?

Moving on Up

Exciting news at work!

I don't really want her name, my name and the company name appearing here on the blog but this project has been the main focus on my life for the last six months so I am too excited not to say something!!!

Medley

I wanted to write a post about my baby brother's wedding but my dad wrote this which is way better than the "OMG IT WAS SO FUN!! LOL!" post I was writing.

I went to see Kate Nash at The Troubadour last night and she was a delight. This song is a pretty dead on description of how successful my crushes usually are. At least I'm not alone right?

My sister's birthday is coming up and I'm thinking of getting her a gift certificate to some classes here. Pretty sure her future husband will thank me.

It's over a year old and I am still not tired of this song.

My company is making a big announcement tomorrow about that big star I met with all those months ago. My head might explode from excitement.

And lastly, it's about 70 degrees right now in Southern California. Why on earth do people live anywhere else?

Perspective

As much fun as it is to watch all the fantastic dresses walking the red carpet of the Golden Globes, I feel a certain amount of satisfaction that this year's press conference award show was representative of the relative unimportance of Hollywood award shows in the grand scheme of things.

I was up at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills this week for a meeting and happened to be waiting for my car alongside former America's Next Top Model judge Janice Dickinson. When it came, she walked around to the passenger side and was getting something out of her purse when a stray papparazo darted onto the driveway and tried to take a picture. Janice looked delighted but the entire doorman/valet force on duty lunged for the guy and started shouting "off the property line! off the property line!". One of them grabbed the camera and put his hand over the lens and the guy ran off. I noticed another one lurking around behind the bushes separating the hotel from the street, waiting for her to pull out. It's not like this was the first time it ever occurred to me that our preoccupation with celebrities is stupid but something about seeing that kind of ridiculous drama over someone getting into a car for crying out loud just made me feel extra creeped out. Isn't is sort of appalling that there is an entire-and incredibly lucrative-industry based completely on following people around and talking photos of every move they make? And it's even dumber that the people they are following around tend to be mostly narcissistic, spoiled, self-important wastes of our collective time and attention.

If you read this blog at all you know that I looooove the enterainment industry. But I would watch 30 Rock even if it never won an Emmy. I would buy CD's and go to movies even if I'd never seen a photo of Reese Witherspoon getting a latte. Can you imagine how absurd it would be if you suddenly started seeing tabloid photos of your dentist or the guy who changes your oil? If mmagazines started running articles about what your hairstylist thought about the war in Iraq? I'm really trying harder lately to keep my intake of celebrity gossip to snacks, not seven course meals. The only way they quit making it is if we stop paying for it right?

That said, I WAS thrilled to see Tina Fey win for being awesome at being a mess on 30 Rock. My heroine. But not the kind you inject.

High

It took me about four or five days at home to stop dreaming about work so I guess it's only fair that it's taken me a few days of work to stop thinking I'd much rather be sleeping in and playing with people in Utah. It was just painful to be in the office this week.

However, friday did indeed come and it's finally getting lighter in the evening so I don't feel so much like I'm driving home in the dead of night. I listened to NPR most of the way home because I have developed a raging addiction to any and all Election 08 talk. Last night there was a pretty hysterical rendition of "Midnight Train to Georgia" on 30 Rock (which, if you are not watching, you must hate America.) so after getting my fill of political theorizing, I was in the mood for a little Mowtown.

All I had in my iPod was Ain't No Mountain High Enough. And it's a track I bought on iTunes so I can't post it for you to download but I found a version of it on YouTube.

I have no words for how fantastic this song is. From the very first "aaaaaa-aaaaa" right after the music starts to build 26 seconds in my brain starts to melt. Diana Ross has a voice that honestly sounds like silk. It may well be that Florence Ballard was the Supreme with the strongest pipes but all that tells me is that hearing them all live must have been a near trancendent experience. Diana kills this. No matter where I am when this song comes on-in the car, out for a run, shopping-whatever-at 4 minutes and 18 second when the song hits it's climax I HAVE to stop and sing along. And every time it's a war with myself-do I do "ain't no mountain!" with the backup singers or do all the "ooo!" and "oh oh's!" with Diana. I am always jealous of people who can sing anyway but this song turns me totally green.


\

The rest

One of my favorite presents this year was a little "joy" necklace that my friend Rebecca gave me. The somewhat abridged version of the story is that we became instant best friends when she moved to Utah in fifth grade. We were the shortest and youngest girls in the class so it just made sense that we hang out. I LOVED her but even from a young age, there was a big disparity in our popularity levels. Other girls were constantly trying to move in on "best friend" territory and boys would call me looking for her phone number. To be quite honest, I always felt really insecure about our relationship.

Cut to the great locker partner split of eighth grade. Over the summer Rebecca decided to locker with someone else. I was devastated. I ended up with a girl who was actually really nice and cool and fun and I often regretted that my sadness at being rejected by someone else probably kept me from getting too close to this potential new friend. The following year Rebecca made the cheerleading squad, I was firmly entrenched in honors classes and the drama club and we barely spoke for the rest of our public school lives.

I look back on the little me of those years and I wish she had been a little braver. I wish she had put a little less stock in who was "cool" and who wasn't. She was a good kid with a lot of talents and she spent a disproportionate amount of her time worrying about her lowly place on the high school food chain. I have a feeling that if I end up with children, I will get one like her and that could drive the adult me nutso. I hope I will be patient with her tender feelings.

Then my junior year of college I was with some friends at a house I didn't live in and the phone rang for me. It was Rebecca. Calling to apologize for snipping me out of her life all those years ago. I was floored. A mix of, "it's about freakin' time and by the way I don't need this because I turned out just fine without you," and "wow, I'm so happy to have my friend back." It took a few years before the first feelings went away. I was uncomfortable with the after school special-esque idea that I'd been pining away in my nerd castle waiting for the cool girl to see that I was actually pretty OK. It's funny how your social standing as a 16 year old gets so imprinted on your brain that you often continue to operate at a high school maturity level well into your twenties.

As real live adults Rebecca and I have gotten back to super close. She is married now and has one of the most adorable curly haired babies ever. In recent months we've been able to spend some good quality time together and I know precisely why I liked her so much in the first place.

So over lunch at Rich's Bagels in Salt Lake she gave me a box of two little silver "joy" necklaces with the explanation that we never got "best friend" necklaces as kids. I thought about all the times I wanted to nail one to her forehead so no one else could steal her. I was so terrified of losing her as a friend that I know I sometimes got annoyingly possessive. I wish there was some way to let my junior high self know that really really-this was all going to be OK.

I am guilty of wanting to know right this second how things are going to "turn out" when my experience tells me that the real ending is always better than the one I imagined. How incredibly frustrating that I can't seem to learn a lesson I get taught over. and over. and over. One of the many things a future daughter and I can fight about I suppose. I'm wearing the necklace now as a reminder. I hope this time it sticks.

One thing that will always remind me of sleepovers with Rebecca is making up dances to Milli Vanilli songs. This one was a particular favorite-we loved the dialogue at the beginning. Oddly prophetic those guys-whoever they were.

Old

iTunes is pretty much the main reason I bought my computer. It's like having the radio station OF MY BRAIN. I never know what will come up but I know it will be awesome.

All to say that this forgotten gem cycled though last night and made me happy. Even though the song is absurdly sad.

I'm still trying to figure out how to balance my 10 new healthy habits with all the time I used to spend um, goofing off, but I promise there will be something of value on this blog again soon.

Although seriously that song is really good.

Resolved

Well my super awesome ridiculously long and really fun vacation has come to an end. It was quite a shock to my system to get up before 10 this morning and actually be a productive member of society. I have some things to post about my time in Utah but tonight is a time for resolutions. I am kicking off the year by competing in a "healthy habits" contest with some friends. One of those habits in getting seven hours of sleep so I'm making this short tonight.

I'll just leave you with this funny article about Dixville Notch, New Hampshire where the first primary votes have already been cast. I was sort of "eh" about this Presidential election but Iowa got me thinking that this could be a really fascinating year.

Check it out...
http://youdecide08.foxnews.com/2008/01/08/mccain-obama-win-first-ballots-in-dixville-notch-nh/

Happy New Year!!

Redacted

One of the most profoundly disappointing things about reaching adulthood has been that I have yet to feel like an actual adult. I do a lot of adult things, and I have plenty of adult responsibilities. But fundamentally, I still feel like one day the alarm clock will go off and I will be late for gym class.

I have really been looking forward to coming home for the holiday, getting away from my regular routine and being able to take a somewhat objective look at my life. There has been some major upheaval as of late and I was excited at the prospect of decompressing a little and then strategizing about how to fix the things that might be broken.

What I always forget is that the lines between the adult me and the kid me get blurry when I come home and I end up realizing how very little I actually have figured out. I'm still bossing my siblings around and overreacting to dumb stuff. I'd probably still be afraid of big black dogs if there were any here in the neighborhood.

So today when I found myself completely overwhelmed by a whole slew of decisions that I have to make in the next month or so-decisions I wish I had at some point been brave enough to make on my own instead of waiting until I was forced-my brain decided that the solution was to just "grow up katie". And for some reason, caring so much about some stupid blog seemed like a really junior high thing and I decided to just shut it down before I could change my mind.

Real grown up huh? The truth is that the older I get, the less I even WANT to have it all figured out. There is something sort of exhilarating about knowing that I can still disappoint myself. Because I think that means I can also suprise myself now and then. So there are some things I'll probably be quitting in the next little while, but the blog that I love won't be one of them.

The End

Well like all good things, I think it's time for this blog to come to an end. It's been a really fun ride but I find myself increasingly at a loss for things to say. Perhaps I'm just feeling like it really it a fairly self indulgent exercise and as I have no children to show off to relatives, I think it's the right moment to say goodbye.

I might be back from time to time with an update since a blog is a nice way to keep in touch.

Thanks for being such good little readers over the last few years and Happy 2008 to you all!!

Countdown

You know what is the best feeling in the world? The one after your last final when all you have to do is go home and goof around for three weeks with no responsibilities.

The next best is clearing off your crazy desk at your insane job and walking out to go home to Utah for two weeks.

Don't be too jealous though-work still has me by the blackberry ; )

Shout Out

Happy Freakin' Birthday to one of my absolute favorite human beings.



Miss Corey is one year older today so if you see her or talk to her, give her some birthday love. 'Cause she's awesome.

Owl

It doesn't matter what time I got up, how tired I am, or how absurdly early I have to get up to catch a plane I don't want to be on-this girl can't make herself get into bed before midnight.

If I manage to stay up past 9-which of course I can do-then the night bird in me wakes up at full capacity and I just. can't. shut. down. The weirdest part is that I can't get my brain to turn off at night, and yet it doesn't ever want to get up one second earlier than it has to.

Four hours of sleep it is.

Bat Dance

I'm not one to get overly excited about big summer blockbusters, nor do I freak out over comic books. I don't really like dark movies and I'm not a huge fan of action either.

So I have no idea what the new Batman movies have done to my brain because I am beside myself with excitement over the next installment "Dark Knight".

Perhaps it's my deep and abiding affection for Christian Bale that dates back to his "Newsies" glory. Maybe it's because if I were a boy I would get crushes on girls like Maggie Gyllenhaal. Maybe it's the new Batpod.

But I think the real draw for this movie is the Batman character himself. While I liked the Micheal Keaton Batman films just fine, Christian Bale did a much better job in "Batman Begins" of giving us a very conflicted hero. The kid saw his parent's murdered for crying out loud, he should be a little bit broken. His loneliness appeals to every bone in my stereotypical "let me take care of you!" body.

I have zero interest in seeing "I Am Legend" but apparently there is a killer trailer for "Dark Knight" in the previews so I just might have to fit in a matinee over the holidays.

For now, check out this one.

Three Things

That I love. 1) George Michael in any of his various incarnations 2) My friend Rebecca 3) The ukelele


Cover: Last Christmas by WHAM from Veggie Girl on Vimeo.

Harrassed

I was at a bookstore picking up a couple of things before heading to a meeting the other night. I was wearing some new pants that if I may brag for just a moment-make my butt look awesome. As I was leaving there were some people outside the store soliciting signatures for a petition. I really didn't have the time or desire to talk to them so when the guy asked me if I had a minute I tried to politely say no and keep walking. To which he yells after me, in a construction worker-esque tone, "well you look good walkin' away." And the feminist side of me kind of wanted to turn around and ask him if he really thought talking to me like that would make me sign his stupid petition.

But the really girlie part of me looked at her and said, "but seriously, these pants really are fabulous."

Believe

Last week I was sitting in a meeting in a hotel lobby and Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" started to play. It was a fairly casual meeting but I guess it gives you a bit on insight into my personality that I not only started to sing along with the song, but eventually had to stand up to give my lip-syncing performance the emotional punch this anthem deserves.

I bought Journey's Greatest Hits when I was in high school and played it so much I wore the tape out. I did a story about people's after school jobs for our school news station and used "Anyway You Want It" even though it didn't really fit the story and let's be honest here, no one between the ages of about 28 and 40 can listen to "Faithfully" without dredging up memories of some long-lost love.

I was goofing around on You Tube today and found this and it made me very happy.

Noooo!

A boy at a party told me last night that "blogging is basically just online scrapbooking".

Great, you can take the girl out of the Wasatch Front but apparently you can't take the Wasatch Front out of the girl.

Distracted

I lost my camera this weekend somewhere between the rental car dropoff in Phoenix and the US Airways gate in Orange County. All week I've been hoping that it fell into the hands of a person who would see that my business card is in the pocket of the case and he or she would call me to arrange it's safe return. No such luck, and now that Sales Meeting is over and I have my full capacity to think back, I'm really really bummed.

So this blog might be a bit less illustrated until my grieving period is over and I can talk myself into replacing her.

!

Oh Sales Meeting, how I do love thee! All the early morning meetings and late night dinners and furious presentation prep.

Honestly, I've done this every six months for almost six years and every single time I promise I will relax and not worry so much...and here I sit, a frazzled little mess still putting the final touches on my 2008 plan. And feeling so sad that I lost my camera yesterday somewhere between a gas station in Phoenix and my house.

But here is a song that I love to sing my guts out to.

Love Song

Words

OK I am just going to say this without any kind of disclaimer.

I really, really like John Mayer.

(pause)


(pause)

Yeah I can't seem to just let that stand, I feel the need to justify that he's a really great musician and your mom would love him but he's still plenty sexy, his blog is really funny and he's dating one of the actresses from "Friday Night Lights" so really, what's not to love?

Mr. Mayer has a free video on iTunes right now for his new song "Say" and I'm pretty much in love with it. It reiterates one of the best things my mother ever told me which is, "no harm will ever come from being honest about the way you feel". Whether it's an apology, or a worry, or a declaration of feelings, my experience is that feelings genuinely expressed can change everything. I had a discussion with some of my siblings Saturday night that was one of the most tender, heartfelt chats I've ever had and it all started because someone was brave enough to start talking.

So go download the video-even if you hate the song, you might still want to kiss John Mayer on the lips by the end.

hey!

I have writer's block.

I don't have talkers block though, I can't shut up lately.

8 Seconds

The previous entry gives you a little glimpse into what 72 hours with my family is like. Here's another piece of our somewhat goofy puzzle...after my sisters and I spent almost 2 hours at breakfast with my dad (we are no good at leaving restaurants in a reasonable amount of time), Emily and I went back to her house and spent probably another hour and half combing our iTunes and playing songs whose first 5-8 seconds are so recognizable and so indicative of the awesomeness to come that we would sigh out loud after one. "Jeremy", "Brown Eyed Girl", "Billie Jean", "Good Vibrations", "Is this Love", "Let's Stay Together", "Sunday Bloody Sunday", "Beast of Burden"-this list obviously went on and on.

I ran across the song tonight that is nowhere near as second nature as any of those but I get a chill through my whole body when it starts. I think it's partially that it has lyrics that melt my brain:

There was a child who was born to be the one who comforts me
Who grew up strong and brave and holy, loves me rough and tenderly
Can it be understood the reasons why you belong to me?

I need the steady of you and I'd give you anything
That I could cut with sweet precision from beneath my tender skin
There is a way, there is a way that you can save me from this

Would you promise to be kind?
Promise to be kind

The wind is ever faithful and it carves a solemn sword
Right through the hearts of the ungrateful who are always wanting more
There is a way, there is a way that you can help me

With the ramparts built so high
All the soldiers stuck inside
But this will fall away with time
If you promise to be kind
Promise to be kind
Promise to be kind

Promise to Me

While we were playing our game we had also been talking a little bit what you should probably feel about someone you decide to marry and she used the phrase "light your soul on fire." I haven't been able to get that out of my head, I feel like it very succinctly addresses all the emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual intersections two people ought to share. The lyrics of this song seem to fit perfectly with that sentiment.

"...Strong and brave and holy, who loves me rough and tenderly". Ka-pow!

Rivalry

These are my adult brothers, one married and one engaged, and this is what happens when we take them out in public.

THANKS!

Ten Things for Which I Am Grateful

1. A healthy relationship with God
2. My awesome family
3. My embarrassingly large circle of friends
4. My job that sometimes makes me crazy but that ultimately I know I am blessed to have
5. My sanctuary of a bedroom
6. The internet and all the attendent technologies
7. Airplanes that fly on Thanksgiving Day and the crews willing to make that happen
8. A fully funtioning body
9. HB, the beach and my house
10. That it's time to start playing Christmas music!!!!

I'll try to post one of these every day until Christmas.

Happy Thanksgiving!

New to You

So it was what? Two weeks ago that I was feeling a little bored and restless? And just a little before that when the Santa Ana's were making me feel out of sorts?

Apparently the universe has been reading my blog. Monday morning I got a call from my boss telling me that had resigned over the weekend. Just to give you an idea of how great I am at keeping my professional cool, I calmly asked if she would call me back on my cell phone, went into a quiet room and burst into tears. We have only been working together for 18 months but she has been an amazing leader. She has a great vision for our brand and is absolutely unafraid to stand up for it but at the same time, she is a kind and compassionate manager. I have gone back and forth a million times this year as to whether it is time to move on from this job but "working for C" has always been in capital letters on the list of reasons to stay. So it was a huge blow and I spent most of last week trying to get my bearings. Monday afternoon all I could think was that I had to find a new job, by Wednesday I had calmed down a little and then Friday I got yet another phone call. Our office in Portland, where my boss and the product team work, is closing and half of them were let go.

Theoretically I like change but it can also be really scary. Whether I stay or my job at not, things are going to be different. A few of my coworkers were offered jobs down here and I find myself half-desperate that they take them. I work with a talented team and we all know that our little brand has some serious potentional. The overdeveloped sense of loyalty that has kept me here through two cross-country moves, the departure of three General Managers, one CEO and a CMO has always been my passion for the product and the consumer.

I did a ton of thinking this weekend about what I think this all means for me. I got some invaluable advice from some dear friends and then last night I danced until 2 at a club in LA because I am young and single and I can. This morning I got a new job at church as the coordinator of Humantarian Aid projects for my congregation which fits in well with some personal goals I have for 2008. My Bishop gave me some lovely words of encouragement that apply to all this work stuff too. God does a good job of letting me get near manic thinking He's forgotten all about me and then swooping in with twleve reminders that he's right there.

I don't know what is going to happen this week. I have a pretty good picture of what I'm hoping for but I know that the reality-and maybe even a better option-might have a different thing in mind. Now that the initial panic is over I'm just plain excited about the myriad of possibilities.

I'm also excited that my friend gave me a mix tonight that reminded me that one great thing about being 31 is my deep and abiding appreciation for early Madonna. I urge you to download this and turn it way up. I don't remember the last time I listened to the first eight seconds of this song but if you remember the eighties at all you will feel a flutter in your tummy.

Borrowed

I got to spend the day with my Baltimore brother and his wife this weekend. They were in San Diego for a wedding so I drove down and we went to see a National Monument-part of Megan's goal to fill her National Monument Passport with stamps-and then laughed ourselves mostly silly at a Mexican restuarant in Old Towne with some of their friends.

My sister-in-law is in the Coast Guard and her assignments have been on the East Coast for the last five years. It was nice to have them there when I was living in Boston-they adopted me for several Christmases and I was able to weasel some work trips to visit a few times as well. Sterling even braved a Friendsgiving in Boston once which thrilled me to no end. Showing off my siblings could be a full time job if people paid for such a thing.

We are a pretty close family. Ridiculously close actually. My mom loves to tell the story of the time we sat down to sunday dinner at about 5 and did not get up from the table until 1 in the morning. So I think marrying into us could be intimidating. I thought for the millionth time this weekend that we have gotten absurdly, awesomely-and perhaps even unfairly-lucky, when it comes to the women my brothers have brought into the fold. My brothers are all really different and their wives/fiances are all such great complements to their personalities. It's been so fun to watch my them end up with partners who appreciate the same things about them that we all love so much. All three are women that I see not just as family, but as friends that I'm delighted to hang out with even when the boys aren't around. They make boys who were already plenty good just kinda better. I feel like the pressure is on the girls now to come up with good brothers-in-law. I'll admit that on several occasions my feelings for a boy cooled when I imagined him being eaten alive at family dinner. People say that in a big family you always get one weird in-law but I'm not sure any of us could stand to be the one responsible for THAT.

Next week is Thanksgiving and I'm making plans to just sit on my mom's couch and eat guacamole and make candles and talk about going running several times but maybe only do it once. We'll be down one soon-to-be sister and the east coast cliffs but I'm already predicting that it will be epic. (Epic for us, boring for anyone who hears about it I'm afraid!)

Oops

Apparently I'm operating under the assumption that calories don't count in times of upheaval.

Meals eaten at In 'n' Out since Monday: 3
Sprinkles cupcakes inhaled since same: 2
pounds of See's Candies consumed: .5 (corey, you are fired)

Which is why tonight I let my roommate put me through a ridiculous workout that made me sweat OUT OF MY EYES. I wish I was making that up.

Costa Rica

This is turning out to be one of those weeks where I would like to go to sleep, wake up in a month and see how it all turned out without actually having to figure any of it out.

It work stuff and I won't bore you with it. There are certainly bigger problems in the world. It's just that right now I'm staring at the wall and listening to stuff like this more than I'd like. So a 30 day nap seems like a really great option. Let someone else run my life for a bit, I want a vacation!

Here

I like this song.
Orange Sky

Biology

I don't think I have ever experienced what some women call "baby hunger". I like children, I want to have a few some day and I love playing with the ones that belong to other people but I don't think much about them in my day to day life. For the most part, my life doesn't put me around kids much. I work with adults, I live with adults, until recently I went to church exclusively with adults. I have no nieces or nephews and all of my close friends with kids live far away.

Given my situation, I'm a little fascinated by a couple of experiences I've had over the last few days. Saturday my roommate and I went up to Moorpark to visit our friends and their four week old little girl. It's always fun to hold babies but I honestly couldn't let the child go. When Mariellen wanted a turn I was almost bugged. She had been sleeping on me for the better part of an hour, which is way longer than I usually want to do anything, and I still wasn't ready to give her up. The whole rest of the evening I was just plotting how I could get her back, I even took her while she was crying during dinner-playing it off that I was giving her parents a break.

Then yesterday, my friend Rebecca was in town for a family party. I went with her to a rehearsal for the musical number she and her sisters were performing and one of them had her one year old with her. When the girls started practicing the only baby holding choices were me, two husbands and a couple little cousins under 10. So I took the baby. This child was a snuggler and she immediately burrowed her little face into my shoulder. I melted. I had been holding her for about 15 minutes when her cousins realized she was there and suddenly they were desperate to play with her. I'm not proud of myself but I sort of pretended that the music was too loud and I couldn't hear them asking for her. Then when that didn't really work I tried to move across the room-I just couldn't let go. After a few minutes I realized what a jerk I was being and I put the kid on the couch between the girls. Then I watched like a hawk, hoping they would get tired of her. They didn't, the rehearsal ended and I headed home terribly disappointed at the brevity of my baby-holding time.

I am nowhere near close to having kids. There is no one in my life I'm remotely interested in having kids WITH. But I cannot shake the feeling that even if my brain is not there yet, something in my physical self is saying "come ON, let's just do this already!" I already have a pretty healthy appreciation of the body and the fantastic things it is capable of-there is something extra awesome about it's ability to hijack my brain.

So don't worry, I'm not going to go "Raising Arizona" and steal a baby or anything. But I guess I won't roll my eyes about that "biological clock" anymore. I'm pretty sure it's real. Girl bodies want to make babies whether the owner is on board or not. Who knew?

Youth Group

I am a sucker for a good cover. "Forever Young" by Alphaville is a song I'm pretty sure every single person my age can associate with some high school dance experience.

So it makes sense that I pretty much love this. I don't even remember where I got it but this version has my time in Boston's greasy fingers all over it. Man, that was a wacky couple of years.

Donkeys and Elephants

The U.S. presidential election is now less than a year away. If I had one wish over the next twelve months it would this: that everyone could please remember that your political opinions are just that, opinions. There are smart people with good ideas on both sides of the fence, to completely demonize the "other" party is both childish and naive. Neither party has all the answers, no candidate can possibly be everything to everyone. I get so tired of reading blogs and having conversations where people behave as though they have PhD's in Political Science when most of what they know comes from John Stewart or Bill O'Reilly. Read, research, LISTEN. If you are able to completely dismiss the party you don't support, then you need to keep researching. No one is right about everything and it's dangerous when you start thinking they are...

I guess I'm all fired up about people popping off about things they don't understand as I read about this writer's strike. In a nutshell, the writer's are striking to get a fair percentage of the residuals that come from online/DVD/various other new ways we will figure out to distribute entertainment in the future sales. I have read over and over, "hollywood writers make plenty of money doing a job that is mostly fun, why are they whining about this!". They are whining about it because lots of people are making lots of money off their work and they would like to be fairly compensated for it. So in a way, when you tell the writers to shut up about residuals, you are telling the studios you would like them to keep a bigger part of the pie than they already do. And I have this sneaking suspicion that the same people who think Hollywood writers (who live mostly at the bottom of the pay scale in that town) already make too much, these are not people that are super excited to be putting more pennies in Sumner Redstone's gilded coffers. But I guess if as far as you get in forming your opinion is "hey people with fancy jobs want a raise! not fair!" without doing an ounce of research into what the situation really is, I get why you might get heart palapitations. Too bad that's not the whole story though isn't it?

Maybe a strike isn't the best way to solve a problem, and maybe it's hard to muster sympathy for WGA members who have chosen a career path that isn't exactly akin to feeding orphans. But when you boil it down, there is an unfair situation happening that needs to be addressed. I usually feel guilty when I ask for a raise because hey, I'm not curing cancer and my salary takes good care of me. But my company benefits from my talents in a way that gains revenue. It's only fair that I get to see a reasonable share of that revenue. This is one of the best quotes I've read about what the writers want:

A residual isn't a handout or an allowance or Paris Hilton's trust fund. It's not a lottery payout, or alimony, or an annuity from a slip and fall accident at a casino.

A residual is a deferred payment against the lifetime value of a script.

It's not a perk.

It's okay if you didn't know that. It's in the best interests of a lot of fairly large corporations that you don't.

Obviously I'm in support of the writers, even if it means TV might start to stink here in awhile (maybe I can finally catch up on the PBS documentary The War that has been sitting in the DVR for weeks), I understand if you aren't. But get some facts in your pocket before you tell me why you oppose it. I still may choose to disagree but I promise to listen and consider.

Brown Eyed Girl

Some girls fantasize about their wedding dresses or their bouquets or their centerpieces. Guess what I like to pick out?

Songs for a wedding CD. Which probably explains a little bit why there still hasn't been one.
But probably every wedding CD on earth has this guy on it somewhere right?

All The Real Girls

It has been a long time since I have a seen a movie that has managed to both break my heart and fill me with hope. Big words I realize but "Lars and the Real Girl" was just such a film.

I'll tell you the plot but it's going to sound like a sort of sick SNL sketch. A shy, socially inept man in a small midwestern town buys a sex doll and proceeds to fall in love with her and treat her like a real person.

I know. Sounds kind of creepy doesn't it? But will I tell you that it was an incredibly sweet, tender movie that I can't stop thinking about. Anyone who knows anything about being lonely will be in a hurry to treat Lars' "delusion" with the same sort of patience and kindness he gets from pretty much every character in the movie.

There are a whole slew of fantastic performances in this movie-starting with Ryan Gosling as Lars (who, if he ever decides to stop dating famous actresses and return to his Mormon roots, has my permission to call me), Paul Schneider as his brother, Emily Mortimer as his sister-in-law, Patricia Clarkson as the therapist and Kelli Garner as the flesh and blood female with whom Lars can't quite seem to connect. The soundtrack is enchanting, the writing is clean and deliberate and the cinematography feels really familiar and comfortable. It has a happy ending that it comes by naturally-it's not contrived or cheesy.

The thing I loved most about the movie though was that it reinforced a concept that is becoming more and more important to me the older I get and the more people I know and care about. Everyone has their own little path and it does no good to expect everyone to be on the same one you've chosen. I am not sure it would be the case in real life, but the people around Lars are so understanding and patient with him. The situation is odd and it's hard to see how any good could possibly come of it. But it does. Lots of good, lots of learning, lots of healing. I really believe that people are inherently good, and they want to live quality lives. People we care about don't alway make choices we understand or even approve of sometimes but showing kindness and love anyway is so rarely a bad idea. As the scriptures say "charity never faileth, and is kind." What a delightful way to live don't you think?

It's in limited release so you may not find it at the mega-plex. But I promise it's worth searching out.

Hey Baby

Here's a little tip-if you wait until your new parent friends are really exhausted to come meet the baby, there is a good chance that mommy will let you spend as much time as you want doing this:

Since she won't be waking me up at 2:00 a.m. tonight I was more than happy to just let baby Kate snuggle into me while I caught up with her mother. I am far, far away from having one of these of my own but seriously, this pretty much made my weekend.

Two Cents

Awhile ago I wrote a post about a book that really changed the way I think about the world and how to help save it. I have a few ideas percolating as to how I am going to ACT on that changed thinking but in the meantime, my friend Judy has a project I wanted to bring to our collective attention.

I will preface this by saying that I don't think that all of the world's problems can be solved by check writing, with little sacrifice on our part. However, there are lots of issues in third world countries that actually can be seriously improved by throwing money around. Judy has been working with an organization called CHOICE Humanitarian:

CHOICE Humanitarian is ending poverty by focusing on sustainable village development. Our goal is to connect motivated villages to resources and tools to change their lives. By building skills, capacities and leadership of the villagers – the entire community brings itself out of the cycle of poverty.

She is currently working to finish a community water system in Nueva Concepcion, Guatemala. It will bring fresh water to 367 people in the village. As Judy explains, "access to fresh water will eliminate a lot of diarrhea and disease that causes children to die prematurely. In most of these villages, women and children are required to walk a mile and sometimes more to a water source that isn't always sanitary (because of stagnant water and contamination from animal poo) Lives can be saved by education about hygiene and access to clean water. It is a first step on the pathway out of poverty."

The cost of this project is $2500. If 100 people donated $25 each, Nueva Concepcion would have it's water system. I know the holiday season is approaching and we all have a lot going on, but most of us won't even notice $25.

Judy has set up a blog to explain the project which includes a donation link. It's called Thanks For Water. I just made my contribution this morning. Maybe none of us will ever be Bill Gates or Warren Buffet, with the ability to spend billions and billions to change the world, but this will make a real difference in the lives of the folks in Guatemala. Won't that feel so good?

Celebrate Good Times

Just for kicks, here is my frog costume from yesterday.


The best part is that my friendCristin's toddler was wearing pretty much the same thing last night. Awesome.

I haven't really posted anything about the Red Sox winning the World Series. Unfortunately it was kind of a dull series for anyone not living in Denver in Boston. I watched the Games and I'm thrilled of course, but it just doesn't have the same magic sitting in your couch in HB as screaming in a pub in Sommerville.

So I was delighted with this EPIC post my friend Whitney put up last night describing the Victory Parade and her fantastic Jacoby Ellsbury story. It made me a wee bit homesick but mostly it just reminded me of why sports are so awesome.

Check it out, her best-day-ever feeling is infectious.