One of the most profoundly disappointing things about reaching adulthood has been that I have yet to feel like an actual adult. I do a lot of adult things, and I have plenty of adult responsibilities. But fundamentally, I still feel like one day the alarm clock will go off and I will be late for gym class.
I have really been looking forward to coming home for the holiday, getting away from my regular routine and being able to take a somewhat objective look at my life. There has been some major upheaval as of late and I was excited at the prospect of decompressing a little and then strategizing about how to fix the things that might be broken.
What I always forget is that the lines between the adult me and the kid me get blurry when I come home and I end up realizing how very little I actually have figured out. I'm still bossing my siblings around and overreacting to dumb stuff. I'd probably still be afraid of big black dogs if there were any here in the neighborhood.
So today when I found myself completely overwhelmed by a whole slew of decisions that I have to make in the next month or so-decisions I wish I had at some point been brave enough to make on my own instead of waiting until I was forced-my brain decided that the solution was to just "grow up katie". And for some reason, caring so much about some stupid blog seemed like a really junior high thing and I decided to just shut it down before I could change my mind.
Real grown up huh? The truth is that the older I get, the less I even WANT to have it all figured out. There is something sort of exhilarating about knowing that I can still disappoint myself. Because I think that means I can also suprise myself now and then. So there are some things I'll probably be quitting in the next little while, but the blog that I love won't be one of them.