Dirty Water

One week in Boston down, is it okay if I say 103 weeks to go?

I've been trying to write a post all week that doesn't come off like the whiney spoiled brat I think I am being right now but I've finally decided that it would be very insincere. And although I don't always give you all brilliance or insight, I do try to bring you sincerity. So here goes...

I love my job. I work in a big cool building on the waterfront that is full of beautiful design space and fabulous views. I belong to a team of people who are smart and creative and strategic. Our little brand has an inordinate amount of potential and the full support of an innovative parent company. The first day I felt completely overwhelmed but by Friday, I know this place is going to be a great home.

But then I have to leave and go to my actual home. And home is not my sleepy little beach town anymore. Home is not taco tuesday and lazy runs down by the water. Home is scarves and deadbolts and crowded subways and eight inches of snow. It reminds me of this dream I have sometimes where I somehow decide to be a full-time missionary again. Even though a mission was exactly the right experience for me and I wouldn't trade having gone for anything in the world, when I find myself out there again I have a complete panic attack until I wake myself up. That's how I feel right now in Boston. I went to church today and it actually started to unnerve me by the time the sixth or seventh person said, "wow, I am stunned to see YOU back here." Well that makes eight of us pal.

I've been having this debate with myself for about a year now-if forced to choose, would I rather be blissful at work or blissful at home? I realize that the real answer is duh, both. But for quite sometime I was not happy at work and it was affecting my ability to enjoy my real life. I guess we'll see if loving my job is something that can carry me through until home really feels like home.

Let me be clear. I can pinpoint the very moment when I knew something major had to change in my life and as a friend pointed out, it was not very long ago. I know that I am extremely lucky to have gotten the job I did, as quickly as I did, with very little effort on my part. Even my interview process, which was certainly nerve-wracking, was relatively smooth compared to my normally high strung standards. So I know I'm in the right place. I know I'm going to get over all my nerves. I know it's not fair to this experience to hold it hostage to my disappointments from the last time around. But change is not easy-even good, positive changes. When I moved back to California last time, I moved right back into a comfort zone. A comfort zone where I was extremely happy and had lots and lots of fun and was definitely the place for me to be for the last few years. But it was time to make some progress and I can already see a million little things I have learned in this process.

So yes, I am homesick. I'm only going to feel a little bit bad about that. Not being homesick would mean I wasn't very invested in my last life and I was. I'll let myself feel this for a little while and try not to be too embarrassed about it.

TAGGED!

I am really bad at following through when I get blog tagged but I need a good reason to stop writing posts about how freaked out I am about my crazy new life. So here we go:

10 yrs ago:
I was getting ready to graduate from college. If the journals I ran across while packing last weekend are accurate, I was freaking out about what to do with myself. I was also working on turning in my mission papers. And I'm sure I was in the throes of some pointless crush on an uninterested boy.

5 Things on my to do list Today:
take a shower, catch up on emails, call my sister, repack my stuff, go to bed on time.

Things I would do if I suddenly was a Billionaire:
buy a house for everyone in my family.

3 of my bad habits:
I drink too much Diet Coke, I stay up WAY too late,

Places I have lived:
Salt Lake City, UT; Cedar City UT; Geneva Switzerland; Huntington Beach, CA; Boston, MA

Jobs I have had:
Nanny, bookstore cashier, video store drone, dollar bill folder, sport coordinator, marketing manager

Things most people don't know about me:
I have a weird obsession with Julia Child, my second to is longer than my first (sign of royalty!), if I see the first minutes of Law and Order:SVU, I have to watch it. Have to. In fact, I'm watching my second episode tonight right now.

Touchdown

While I have an overwhelming list of pros about this big move, the one little con is that I really, really don't want to move back to Boston. I was ready for a geographic change and I'm excited beyond reason about the job, but I haven't been able to shake the dread at going back to city I just wasn't sad to leave the last time around. I got on that plane two years ago without shedding a single tear so my stomach has been in knots about returning. It is ever a good idea to go back to someone who kicked you around last time? Could this place be different a second time around?

I know the people around me last week were probably sick of me acting like a scared child about this whole AMAZING opportunity and that's probably why I managed to climb on that airplane yesterday. We landed and I cried. The friend who picked me up asked me if I was glad to be back and I didn't know how to answer.

Then.

I got to the temporary corporate housing I'll be calling home for a bit right down in the heart of the city. I unpacked a little and then I headed out to find something to eat. It was cold enough but not obscenely so and there were people everywhere. The shops were full, the restaurants were crowded. I walked all over the place, stopped in enough shoe and clothing stores to remind myself that I am not stuck in down coats and boots for the rest of forever and ended up eating delicious pumpkin ravioli in a bustling little cafe/bookstore on Newbury Street. There is an energy to this city that somehow slipped my mind. Or that I didn't really take advantage of the last time I was here...that might be the true issue here. I have this uneasy feeling that I kept Boston at arms length last time. I was pretty busy hating my job, living in the suburbs and being sad about dumb boys to have put much effort into making this my home. So I made a decision last night at the Shaw's market near my hotel that I live here now. I am committed to this place. I will let myself put down a root or two. Stay tuned.

On The Way Up

After my job at the Olympics ended a few years ago, and before I had found a new one, I was housesitting for a week for some friends up in the Avenues in Salt Lake. I was sort of freaked out that I had zero idea what I wanted to do with life so everyday when I went out for a run I would listen to "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World over and over, paying particular attention to the lines

"It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine "

So yesterday morning, as I set out to go running in the Avenues from my sister's house on E Street, I had to laugh at myself a little for all this worrying I've been doing the last few weeks. It's as if I completely forgot that six years ago I packed up my little car and headed to California with a new job and nowhere to live and everything everything indeed turned out just fine.

Welcome to the World!

If you are friends with me, chances are you are friends with another one of my siblings. We tend to come as a package deals.

In keeping with that pattern, I am telling you that my sister ems started a blog and I guarantee it's going to be awesome.

Finito

Yesterday was my last day at work.

It was weird. I had a whole bunch of "hand-off" conference calls, a few meetings and then all of the sudden it was 5:00 and it was time to hand over my computer and pick up my last check. I expected to feel an enormous sense of relief walking out the door but instead I left with a jumble of mixed emotions. I was up until almost 2 last night thinking thinking thinking. And woke up this morning worrying worrying worrying.

THEN. I did a bunch of errands, got my possessions sorted and ready for packing and headed out for a run. It's been cold and windy the last couple of weeks but today was sunny and warm so I went down to the beach. We have really low tide right now so I decided to run on the sand. It was about 5 in the afternoon, the sun was low, there were people all over-everything I love love love about this town. I started thinking about my new job and now I am excited about, and how much fun Boston is going to be and ended up with the best run I have had in months. Leaving on Tuesday is going to be really hard, but I'm finally relaxing into this whole experience. It feels really good.

Give in

Alright fine, I'm just going to let myself admit that I'm freaked out about this whole Boston business.

I know-moving to a cool new city to take a great new job really should not be this terrifying. Especially for a person who has not exactly been sitting around doing nothing. This is not my first big change, nor my first new job, and not even my first cross country move (third! it's my third!).

I haven't quit a job before though (my last job was with the Olympics-those just end!) and it's been five and a half years since I was the new girl. The last two times I started over it was only half way over. My job has made me crazy for most of the time I have been there, but it's a crazy that I understand. A crazy I've gotten really good at navigating. I like being really great at what I do and I have some pretty high expectations for myself at the new place. And um, I'm pretty sure they have some as well. I have moments of full scale panic about having accepted yet another job with tons of travel and that nagging fear that God is advancing my career because a family of my own is not in the cards for me.

However, being afraid-and being open about being afraid-sure brings the kindness of friends out of the woodwork. I have gotten so many sweet emails and phone calls from folks who just want to offer nice bits of advice. The theme seems to be that it's OK to be scared. It's not OK to let fear keep you from doing something you know is right for you. So that's what I am trying to do-I'm letting myself be scared. It doesn't make me weak if I'm nervous about the unknown as long as I keep walking towards it.

Harvest Moon

I love the last quiet hour of the day. Even when I get home very late, I still have to take about an hour to wind down. Whether it be blogging, journaling, or reading in my bed, it's so delicious to have this time to myself before I fall asleep.

I was cleaning music off my work computer today and I found this song that somehow slipped by. It sounds like the last hour of my day feels.

Come in the Harvest

Karma

I remember lying in bed one night in college, after I had finally stopped hating every second of it and was actually enjoying myself, "well now I know how to make a big move and get through it, it will never be hard again. I totally have this mastered."

The moral of this story is that you think lots of really stupid things when you are 18.

Crazy Town

I must be out of my mind to leave this.

Tears in Heaven

So here is the official tear count for Sunday, January 27, 2008.

Cried on the phone to my sister Emily as I confessed that what follows the job quitting elation is the terrifying reality that every single part of my life is about to change.

Made a comment in a class at church and couldn't hold it together because the lesson addressed exactly what I am feeling right now.

Sobbed through the last 30 minutes of Steel Magnolias.

Watched Oprah's interview with Daniel Day Lewis and started to cry when he spoke about Heath Ledger's death and got choked up himself.

Went over to see Corey's new house and got in a conversation about moving which set me off again.

Then we got word that the President of the LDS church, Gordon B. Hinckley, died tonight. Even though he was 97, sick and his sweet wife died several years ago, it is a big loss for my church. He's been the leader my entire adult life and so I definitely got emotional at the news.

Conversations with both of my parents about his death and their questions about the move triggered what I think were the last tears of the night-barring some tragic event in the next 90 minutes.

I think anyone who knows me would say that I am generally a fairly positive, optimistic person. So it's perplexing to me why I get almost paralyzed with fear when it comes to big events in my life. I begged my mother to come and get me from college for almost the entire first quarter. The week before I started my first job I would stare at the ceiling every night and imagine all the ways in which I was sure to disappoint my future employer. This morning I kept pushing snooze because waking up meant allowing a steady stream of worries to start marching through my brain.

So back to that lesson at church. I had a teacher at the Missionary Training Center, where I spent 10 weeks studying before heading off to Switzerland, who drilled the phrase "where there is fear there is not faith" into our little brains. It's a principle that I know to be true but also one that I have struggled with most of my life. Claiming to have a relationship with God should probably mean that I trust in His ability to take care of me and to feel in peace in decisions I felt like He helped me make. Otherwise I am wasting a lot of time and emotion and obedience right? Faith isn't really faith if you demand to see exactly how it's all going to work out. Our lesson today addressed this issue of Fear VS Faith and as soon as I raised my hand to make a comment, I realized exactly how much I was letting my worries and concerns overshadow what is one of the best opportunities of my young career. Leaving a place I love, and people I love, for a lot of unknowns in a place I couldn't wait to leave the last time around is-and probably should be-scary. But I have yet to regret following through with something I feared. Maybe that's how you know you are brave-you keep doing the things even though they scare you to death.

I haven't quite been able to shut off all the ridiculous thoughts pinging around my brain right now but I'm aware that they are indeed ridiculous and I'm not going to let them talk me out of something that I really am so excited about. Besides, I really don't think my tear ducts can handle another day like this one.

Ta-dah!

Anyone who has been around me much in the last couple of months can probably tell you that I've been acting a little bit squirrely. I don't do well keeping giant secrets and it seems like I've been bursting with them lately.

A few months ago I was feeling antsy about a myriad of things in my life-wondering if I was in the right job, if I should start thinking about buying a house, if I'm being lazy socially. I suppose it's general stuff that everyone goes through but in the years since I graduated from college I've been able to do a lot of interesting things and always felt like I was progressing. Feeling stuck is unfamiliar and very, very uncomfortable. So when a call came out of nowhere for a job opportunity in a place I had never planned to go again, it seemed like a bad idea to tell the universe I wasn't interested.

Four nerve-racking interviews and two months later I'm headed back to my old Boston stomping grounds to manage marketing for a little fashion sneaker and apparel brand.

I was driving home along PCH last night, buzzing with excitement about the job and the move but also feeling very mixed about leaving this place that I love. If my life had a theme over the last few years it would probably be "do over". I got a chance to come back to California and do it better than I did the first and I'm getting that same opportunity with Boston. I kicked and screamed the whole way last time and never fully allowed myself to settle in like I probably should have.

So that's my news. I'll be busy the next few weeks trying to wrap up my life here and get the new one started but you know I won't be able to stay away from THIS little corner of my world...

Secrets and l-i-e-s

I have a secret. A really good one.












I'll tell you later.

Overload

I spent some wee hours this weekend in a dowloading frenzy and I found three things I'm excited about.

Old New Bicycle by Helvetia

Your Reverie by Kelley Stolz

Frankie's Gun by The Felice Brothers

And then this is a live version of Sunday Bloody Sunday with a little snippet of Get Up Stand Up in the middle. Sometimes I don't know if I actually like U2 or I just like the fact that I have a dozen memories associated with every single one of their songs. I guess it doesn't matter does it?
Sunday Bloody Sunday

Fight

My friends are on their way to see Rogue Wave right now and I really should have gone with them. But I have early morning meetings so I'm choosing getting bed at a reasonable hour over a super awesome show. I know I will come to regret this decision.


So I'll just listen to this over and over to make myself feel better. Although, not a great song for feeling better.
Desperate

Finally

This song wins track of the week for these lines alone:

I’ll understand if your heart has been won
But I’d still like to know
If I’m still in the game

Show Me Yourself

Credit to Corey for passing this one along.

Is it just me or was this week about a hundred years long?

Moving on Up

Exciting news at work!

I don't really want her name, my name and the company name appearing here on the blog but this project has been the main focus on my life for the last six months so I am too excited not to say something!!!

Medley

I wanted to write a post about my baby brother's wedding but my dad wrote this which is way better than the "OMG IT WAS SO FUN!! LOL!" post I was writing.

I went to see Kate Nash at The Troubadour last night and she was a delight. This song is a pretty dead on description of how successful my crushes usually are. At least I'm not alone right?

My sister's birthday is coming up and I'm thinking of getting her a gift certificate to some classes here. Pretty sure her future husband will thank me.

It's over a year old and I am still not tired of this song.

My company is making a big announcement tomorrow about that big star I met with all those months ago. My head might explode from excitement.

And lastly, it's about 70 degrees right now in Southern California. Why on earth do people live anywhere else?

Perspective

As much fun as it is to watch all the fantastic dresses walking the red carpet of the Golden Globes, I feel a certain amount of satisfaction that this year's press conference award show was representative of the relative unimportance of Hollywood award shows in the grand scheme of things.

I was up at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills this week for a meeting and happened to be waiting for my car alongside former America's Next Top Model judge Janice Dickinson. When it came, she walked around to the passenger side and was getting something out of her purse when a stray papparazo darted onto the driveway and tried to take a picture. Janice looked delighted but the entire doorman/valet force on duty lunged for the guy and started shouting "off the property line! off the property line!". One of them grabbed the camera and put his hand over the lens and the guy ran off. I noticed another one lurking around behind the bushes separating the hotel from the street, waiting for her to pull out. It's not like this was the first time it ever occurred to me that our preoccupation with celebrities is stupid but something about seeing that kind of ridiculous drama over someone getting into a car for crying out loud just made me feel extra creeped out. Isn't is sort of appalling that there is an entire-and incredibly lucrative-industry based completely on following people around and talking photos of every move they make? And it's even dumber that the people they are following around tend to be mostly narcissistic, spoiled, self-important wastes of our collective time and attention.

If you read this blog at all you know that I looooove the enterainment industry. But I would watch 30 Rock even if it never won an Emmy. I would buy CD's and go to movies even if I'd never seen a photo of Reese Witherspoon getting a latte. Can you imagine how absurd it would be if you suddenly started seeing tabloid photos of your dentist or the guy who changes your oil? If mmagazines started running articles about what your hairstylist thought about the war in Iraq? I'm really trying harder lately to keep my intake of celebrity gossip to snacks, not seven course meals. The only way they quit making it is if we stop paying for it right?

That said, I WAS thrilled to see Tina Fey win for being awesome at being a mess on 30 Rock. My heroine. But not the kind you inject.

High

It took me about four or five days at home to stop dreaming about work so I guess it's only fair that it's taken me a few days of work to stop thinking I'd much rather be sleeping in and playing with people in Utah. It was just painful to be in the office this week.

However, friday did indeed come and it's finally getting lighter in the evening so I don't feel so much like I'm driving home in the dead of night. I listened to NPR most of the way home because I have developed a raging addiction to any and all Election 08 talk. Last night there was a pretty hysterical rendition of "Midnight Train to Georgia" on 30 Rock (which, if you are not watching, you must hate America.) so after getting my fill of political theorizing, I was in the mood for a little Mowtown.

All I had in my iPod was Ain't No Mountain High Enough. And it's a track I bought on iTunes so I can't post it for you to download but I found a version of it on YouTube.

I have no words for how fantastic this song is. From the very first "aaaaaa-aaaaa" right after the music starts to build 26 seconds in my brain starts to melt. Diana Ross has a voice that honestly sounds like silk. It may well be that Florence Ballard was the Supreme with the strongest pipes but all that tells me is that hearing them all live must have been a near trancendent experience. Diana kills this. No matter where I am when this song comes on-in the car, out for a run, shopping-whatever-at 4 minutes and 18 second when the song hits it's climax I HAVE to stop and sing along. And every time it's a war with myself-do I do "ain't no mountain!" with the backup singers or do all the "ooo!" and "oh oh's!" with Diana. I am always jealous of people who can sing anyway but this song turns me totally green.


\

The rest

One of my favorite presents this year was a little "joy" necklace that my friend Rebecca gave me. The somewhat abridged version of the story is that we became instant best friends when she moved to Utah in fifth grade. We were the shortest and youngest girls in the class so it just made sense that we hang out. I LOVED her but even from a young age, there was a big disparity in our popularity levels. Other girls were constantly trying to move in on "best friend" territory and boys would call me looking for her phone number. To be quite honest, I always felt really insecure about our relationship.

Cut to the great locker partner split of eighth grade. Over the summer Rebecca decided to locker with someone else. I was devastated. I ended up with a girl who was actually really nice and cool and fun and I often regretted that my sadness at being rejected by someone else probably kept me from getting too close to this potential new friend. The following year Rebecca made the cheerleading squad, I was firmly entrenched in honors classes and the drama club and we barely spoke for the rest of our public school lives.

I look back on the little me of those years and I wish she had been a little braver. I wish she had put a little less stock in who was "cool" and who wasn't. She was a good kid with a lot of talents and she spent a disproportionate amount of her time worrying about her lowly place on the high school food chain. I have a feeling that if I end up with children, I will get one like her and that could drive the adult me nutso. I hope I will be patient with her tender feelings.

Then my junior year of college I was with some friends at a house I didn't live in and the phone rang for me. It was Rebecca. Calling to apologize for snipping me out of her life all those years ago. I was floored. A mix of, "it's about freakin' time and by the way I don't need this because I turned out just fine without you," and "wow, I'm so happy to have my friend back." It took a few years before the first feelings went away. I was uncomfortable with the after school special-esque idea that I'd been pining away in my nerd castle waiting for the cool girl to see that I was actually pretty OK. It's funny how your social standing as a 16 year old gets so imprinted on your brain that you often continue to operate at a high school maturity level well into your twenties.

As real live adults Rebecca and I have gotten back to super close. She is married now and has one of the most adorable curly haired babies ever. In recent months we've been able to spend some good quality time together and I know precisely why I liked her so much in the first place.

So over lunch at Rich's Bagels in Salt Lake she gave me a box of two little silver "joy" necklaces with the explanation that we never got "best friend" necklaces as kids. I thought about all the times I wanted to nail one to her forehead so no one else could steal her. I was so terrified of losing her as a friend that I know I sometimes got annoyingly possessive. I wish there was some way to let my junior high self know that really really-this was all going to be OK.

I am guilty of wanting to know right this second how things are going to "turn out" when my experience tells me that the real ending is always better than the one I imagined. How incredibly frustrating that I can't seem to learn a lesson I get taught over. and over. and over. One of the many things a future daughter and I can fight about I suppose. I'm wearing the necklace now as a reminder. I hope this time it sticks.

One thing that will always remind me of sleepovers with Rebecca is making up dances to Milli Vanilli songs. This one was a particular favorite-we loved the dialogue at the beginning. Oddly prophetic those guys-whoever they were.

Old

iTunes is pretty much the main reason I bought my computer. It's like having the radio station OF MY BRAIN. I never know what will come up but I know it will be awesome.

All to say that this forgotten gem cycled though last night and made me happy. Even though the song is absurdly sad.

I'm still trying to figure out how to balance my 10 new healthy habits with all the time I used to spend um, goofing off, but I promise there will be something of value on this blog again soon.

Although seriously that song is really good.

Resolved

Well my super awesome ridiculously long and really fun vacation has come to an end. It was quite a shock to my system to get up before 10 this morning and actually be a productive member of society. I have some things to post about my time in Utah but tonight is a time for resolutions. I am kicking off the year by competing in a "healthy habits" contest with some friends. One of those habits in getting seven hours of sleep so I'm making this short tonight.

I'll just leave you with this funny article about Dixville Notch, New Hampshire where the first primary votes have already been cast. I was sort of "eh" about this Presidential election but Iowa got me thinking that this could be a really fascinating year.

Check it out...
http://youdecide08.foxnews.com/2008/01/08/mccain-obama-win-first-ballots-in-dixville-notch-nh/

Happy New Year!!

Redacted

One of the most profoundly disappointing things about reaching adulthood has been that I have yet to feel like an actual adult. I do a lot of adult things, and I have plenty of adult responsibilities. But fundamentally, I still feel like one day the alarm clock will go off and I will be late for gym class.

I have really been looking forward to coming home for the holiday, getting away from my regular routine and being able to take a somewhat objective look at my life. There has been some major upheaval as of late and I was excited at the prospect of decompressing a little and then strategizing about how to fix the things that might be broken.

What I always forget is that the lines between the adult me and the kid me get blurry when I come home and I end up realizing how very little I actually have figured out. I'm still bossing my siblings around and overreacting to dumb stuff. I'd probably still be afraid of big black dogs if there were any here in the neighborhood.

So today when I found myself completely overwhelmed by a whole slew of decisions that I have to make in the next month or so-decisions I wish I had at some point been brave enough to make on my own instead of waiting until I was forced-my brain decided that the solution was to just "grow up katie". And for some reason, caring so much about some stupid blog seemed like a really junior high thing and I decided to just shut it down before I could change my mind.

Real grown up huh? The truth is that the older I get, the less I even WANT to have it all figured out. There is something sort of exhilarating about knowing that I can still disappoint myself. Because I think that means I can also suprise myself now and then. So there are some things I'll probably be quitting in the next little while, but the blog that I love won't be one of them.

The End

Well like all good things, I think it's time for this blog to come to an end. It's been a really fun ride but I find myself increasingly at a loss for things to say. Perhaps I'm just feeling like it really it a fairly self indulgent exercise and as I have no children to show off to relatives, I think it's the right moment to say goodbye.

I might be back from time to time with an update since a blog is a nice way to keep in touch.

Thanks for being such good little readers over the last few years and Happy 2008 to you all!!

Countdown

You know what is the best feeling in the world? The one after your last final when all you have to do is go home and goof around for three weeks with no responsibilities.

The next best is clearing off your crazy desk at your insane job and walking out to go home to Utah for two weeks.

Don't be too jealous though-work still has me by the blackberry ; )

Shout Out

Happy Freakin' Birthday to one of my absolute favorite human beings.



Miss Corey is one year older today so if you see her or talk to her, give her some birthday love. 'Cause she's awesome.

Owl

It doesn't matter what time I got up, how tired I am, or how absurdly early I have to get up to catch a plane I don't want to be on-this girl can't make herself get into bed before midnight.

If I manage to stay up past 9-which of course I can do-then the night bird in me wakes up at full capacity and I just. can't. shut. down. The weirdest part is that I can't get my brain to turn off at night, and yet it doesn't ever want to get up one second earlier than it has to.

Four hours of sleep it is.

Bat Dance

I'm not one to get overly excited about big summer blockbusters, nor do I freak out over comic books. I don't really like dark movies and I'm not a huge fan of action either.

So I have no idea what the new Batman movies have done to my brain because I am beside myself with excitement over the next installment "Dark Knight".

Perhaps it's my deep and abiding affection for Christian Bale that dates back to his "Newsies" glory. Maybe it's because if I were a boy I would get crushes on girls like Maggie Gyllenhaal. Maybe it's the new Batpod.

But I think the real draw for this movie is the Batman character himself. While I liked the Micheal Keaton Batman films just fine, Christian Bale did a much better job in "Batman Begins" of giving us a very conflicted hero. The kid saw his parent's murdered for crying out loud, he should be a little bit broken. His loneliness appeals to every bone in my stereotypical "let me take care of you!" body.

I have zero interest in seeing "I Am Legend" but apparently there is a killer trailer for "Dark Knight" in the previews so I just might have to fit in a matinee over the holidays.

For now, check out this one.

Three Things

That I love. 1) George Michael in any of his various incarnations 2) My friend Rebecca 3) The ukelele


Cover: Last Christmas by WHAM from Veggie Girl on Vimeo.

Harrassed

I was at a bookstore picking up a couple of things before heading to a meeting the other night. I was wearing some new pants that if I may brag for just a moment-make my butt look awesome. As I was leaving there were some people outside the store soliciting signatures for a petition. I really didn't have the time or desire to talk to them so when the guy asked me if I had a minute I tried to politely say no and keep walking. To which he yells after me, in a construction worker-esque tone, "well you look good walkin' away." And the feminist side of me kind of wanted to turn around and ask him if he really thought talking to me like that would make me sign his stupid petition.

But the really girlie part of me looked at her and said, "but seriously, these pants really are fabulous."

Believe

Last week I was sitting in a meeting in a hotel lobby and Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" started to play. It was a fairly casual meeting but I guess it gives you a bit on insight into my personality that I not only started to sing along with the song, but eventually had to stand up to give my lip-syncing performance the emotional punch this anthem deserves.

I bought Journey's Greatest Hits when I was in high school and played it so much I wore the tape out. I did a story about people's after school jobs for our school news station and used "Anyway You Want It" even though it didn't really fit the story and let's be honest here, no one between the ages of about 28 and 40 can listen to "Faithfully" without dredging up memories of some long-lost love.

I was goofing around on You Tube today and found this and it made me very happy.

Noooo!

A boy at a party told me last night that "blogging is basically just online scrapbooking".

Great, you can take the girl out of the Wasatch Front but apparently you can't take the Wasatch Front out of the girl.

Distracted

I lost my camera this weekend somewhere between the rental car dropoff in Phoenix and the US Airways gate in Orange County. All week I've been hoping that it fell into the hands of a person who would see that my business card is in the pocket of the case and he or she would call me to arrange it's safe return. No such luck, and now that Sales Meeting is over and I have my full capacity to think back, I'm really really bummed.

So this blog might be a bit less illustrated until my grieving period is over and I can talk myself into replacing her.

!

Oh Sales Meeting, how I do love thee! All the early morning meetings and late night dinners and furious presentation prep.

Honestly, I've done this every six months for almost six years and every single time I promise I will relax and not worry so much...and here I sit, a frazzled little mess still putting the final touches on my 2008 plan. And feeling so sad that I lost my camera yesterday somewhere between a gas station in Phoenix and my house.

But here is a song that I love to sing my guts out to.

Love Song

Words

OK I am just going to say this without any kind of disclaimer.

I really, really like John Mayer.

(pause)


(pause)

Yeah I can't seem to just let that stand, I feel the need to justify that he's a really great musician and your mom would love him but he's still plenty sexy, his blog is really funny and he's dating one of the actresses from "Friday Night Lights" so really, what's not to love?

Mr. Mayer has a free video on iTunes right now for his new song "Say" and I'm pretty much in love with it. It reiterates one of the best things my mother ever told me which is, "no harm will ever come from being honest about the way you feel". Whether it's an apology, or a worry, or a declaration of feelings, my experience is that feelings genuinely expressed can change everything. I had a discussion with some of my siblings Saturday night that was one of the most tender, heartfelt chats I've ever had and it all started because someone was brave enough to start talking.

So go download the video-even if you hate the song, you might still want to kiss John Mayer on the lips by the end.

hey!

I have writer's block.

I don't have talkers block though, I can't shut up lately.

8 Seconds

The previous entry gives you a little glimpse into what 72 hours with my family is like. Here's another piece of our somewhat goofy puzzle...after my sisters and I spent almost 2 hours at breakfast with my dad (we are no good at leaving restaurants in a reasonable amount of time), Emily and I went back to her house and spent probably another hour and half combing our iTunes and playing songs whose first 5-8 seconds are so recognizable and so indicative of the awesomeness to come that we would sigh out loud after one. "Jeremy", "Brown Eyed Girl", "Billie Jean", "Good Vibrations", "Is this Love", "Let's Stay Together", "Sunday Bloody Sunday", "Beast of Burden"-this list obviously went on and on.

I ran across the song tonight that is nowhere near as second nature as any of those but I get a chill through my whole body when it starts. I think it's partially that it has lyrics that melt my brain:

There was a child who was born to be the one who comforts me
Who grew up strong and brave and holy, loves me rough and tenderly
Can it be understood the reasons why you belong to me?

I need the steady of you and I'd give you anything
That I could cut with sweet precision from beneath my tender skin
There is a way, there is a way that you can save me from this

Would you promise to be kind?
Promise to be kind

The wind is ever faithful and it carves a solemn sword
Right through the hearts of the ungrateful who are always wanting more
There is a way, there is a way that you can help me

With the ramparts built so high
All the soldiers stuck inside
But this will fall away with time
If you promise to be kind
Promise to be kind
Promise to be kind

Promise to Me

While we were playing our game we had also been talking a little bit what you should probably feel about someone you decide to marry and she used the phrase "light your soul on fire." I haven't been able to get that out of my head, I feel like it very succinctly addresses all the emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual intersections two people ought to share. The lyrics of this song seem to fit perfectly with that sentiment.

"...Strong and brave and holy, who loves me rough and tenderly". Ka-pow!

Rivalry

These are my adult brothers, one married and one engaged, and this is what happens when we take them out in public.

THANKS!

Ten Things for Which I Am Grateful

1. A healthy relationship with God
2. My awesome family
3. My embarrassingly large circle of friends
4. My job that sometimes makes me crazy but that ultimately I know I am blessed to have
5. My sanctuary of a bedroom
6. The internet and all the attendent technologies
7. Airplanes that fly on Thanksgiving Day and the crews willing to make that happen
8. A fully funtioning body
9. HB, the beach and my house
10. That it's time to start playing Christmas music!!!!

I'll try to post one of these every day until Christmas.

Happy Thanksgiving!

New to You

So it was what? Two weeks ago that I was feeling a little bored and restless? And just a little before that when the Santa Ana's were making me feel out of sorts?

Apparently the universe has been reading my blog. Monday morning I got a call from my boss telling me that had resigned over the weekend. Just to give you an idea of how great I am at keeping my professional cool, I calmly asked if she would call me back on my cell phone, went into a quiet room and burst into tears. We have only been working together for 18 months but she has been an amazing leader. She has a great vision for our brand and is absolutely unafraid to stand up for it but at the same time, she is a kind and compassionate manager. I have gone back and forth a million times this year as to whether it is time to move on from this job but "working for C" has always been in capital letters on the list of reasons to stay. So it was a huge blow and I spent most of last week trying to get my bearings. Monday afternoon all I could think was that I had to find a new job, by Wednesday I had calmed down a little and then Friday I got yet another phone call. Our office in Portland, where my boss and the product team work, is closing and half of them were let go.

Theoretically I like change but it can also be really scary. Whether I stay or my job at not, things are going to be different. A few of my coworkers were offered jobs down here and I find myself half-desperate that they take them. I work with a talented team and we all know that our little brand has some serious potentional. The overdeveloped sense of loyalty that has kept me here through two cross-country moves, the departure of three General Managers, one CEO and a CMO has always been my passion for the product and the consumer.

I did a ton of thinking this weekend about what I think this all means for me. I got some invaluable advice from some dear friends and then last night I danced until 2 at a club in LA because I am young and single and I can. This morning I got a new job at church as the coordinator of Humantarian Aid projects for my congregation which fits in well with some personal goals I have for 2008. My Bishop gave me some lovely words of encouragement that apply to all this work stuff too. God does a good job of letting me get near manic thinking He's forgotten all about me and then swooping in with twleve reminders that he's right there.

I don't know what is going to happen this week. I have a pretty good picture of what I'm hoping for but I know that the reality-and maybe even a better option-might have a different thing in mind. Now that the initial panic is over I'm just plain excited about the myriad of possibilities.

I'm also excited that my friend gave me a mix tonight that reminded me that one great thing about being 31 is my deep and abiding appreciation for early Madonna. I urge you to download this and turn it way up. I don't remember the last time I listened to the first eight seconds of this song but if you remember the eighties at all you will feel a flutter in your tummy.

Borrowed

I got to spend the day with my Baltimore brother and his wife this weekend. They were in San Diego for a wedding so I drove down and we went to see a National Monument-part of Megan's goal to fill her National Monument Passport with stamps-and then laughed ourselves mostly silly at a Mexican restuarant in Old Towne with some of their friends.

My sister-in-law is in the Coast Guard and her assignments have been on the East Coast for the last five years. It was nice to have them there when I was living in Boston-they adopted me for several Christmases and I was able to weasel some work trips to visit a few times as well. Sterling even braved a Friendsgiving in Boston once which thrilled me to no end. Showing off my siblings could be a full time job if people paid for such a thing.

We are a pretty close family. Ridiculously close actually. My mom loves to tell the story of the time we sat down to sunday dinner at about 5 and did not get up from the table until 1 in the morning. So I think marrying into us could be intimidating. I thought for the millionth time this weekend that we have gotten absurdly, awesomely-and perhaps even unfairly-lucky, when it comes to the women my brothers have brought into the fold. My brothers are all really different and their wives/fiances are all such great complements to their personalities. It's been so fun to watch my them end up with partners who appreciate the same things about them that we all love so much. All three are women that I see not just as family, but as friends that I'm delighted to hang out with even when the boys aren't around. They make boys who were already plenty good just kinda better. I feel like the pressure is on the girls now to come up with good brothers-in-law. I'll admit that on several occasions my feelings for a boy cooled when I imagined him being eaten alive at family dinner. People say that in a big family you always get one weird in-law but I'm not sure any of us could stand to be the one responsible for THAT.

Next week is Thanksgiving and I'm making plans to just sit on my mom's couch and eat guacamole and make candles and talk about going running several times but maybe only do it once. We'll be down one soon-to-be sister and the east coast cliffs but I'm already predicting that it will be epic. (Epic for us, boring for anyone who hears about it I'm afraid!)

Oops

Apparently I'm operating under the assumption that calories don't count in times of upheaval.

Meals eaten at In 'n' Out since Monday: 3
Sprinkles cupcakes inhaled since same: 2
pounds of See's Candies consumed: .5 (corey, you are fired)

Which is why tonight I let my roommate put me through a ridiculous workout that made me sweat OUT OF MY EYES. I wish I was making that up.

Costa Rica

This is turning out to be one of those weeks where I would like to go to sleep, wake up in a month and see how it all turned out without actually having to figure any of it out.

It work stuff and I won't bore you with it. There are certainly bigger problems in the world. It's just that right now I'm staring at the wall and listening to stuff like this more than I'd like. So a 30 day nap seems like a really great option. Let someone else run my life for a bit, I want a vacation!

Here

I like this song.
Orange Sky

Biology

I don't think I have ever experienced what some women call "baby hunger". I like children, I want to have a few some day and I love playing with the ones that belong to other people but I don't think much about them in my day to day life. For the most part, my life doesn't put me around kids much. I work with adults, I live with adults, until recently I went to church exclusively with adults. I have no nieces or nephews and all of my close friends with kids live far away.

Given my situation, I'm a little fascinated by a couple of experiences I've had over the last few days. Saturday my roommate and I went up to Moorpark to visit our friends and their four week old little girl. It's always fun to hold babies but I honestly couldn't let the child go. When Mariellen wanted a turn I was almost bugged. She had been sleeping on me for the better part of an hour, which is way longer than I usually want to do anything, and I still wasn't ready to give her up. The whole rest of the evening I was just plotting how I could get her back, I even took her while she was crying during dinner-playing it off that I was giving her parents a break.

Then yesterday, my friend Rebecca was in town for a family party. I went with her to a rehearsal for the musical number she and her sisters were performing and one of them had her one year old with her. When the girls started practicing the only baby holding choices were me, two husbands and a couple little cousins under 10. So I took the baby. This child was a snuggler and she immediately burrowed her little face into my shoulder. I melted. I had been holding her for about 15 minutes when her cousins realized she was there and suddenly they were desperate to play with her. I'm not proud of myself but I sort of pretended that the music was too loud and I couldn't hear them asking for her. Then when that didn't really work I tried to move across the room-I just couldn't let go. After a few minutes I realized what a jerk I was being and I put the kid on the couch between the girls. Then I watched like a hawk, hoping they would get tired of her. They didn't, the rehearsal ended and I headed home terribly disappointed at the brevity of my baby-holding time.

I am nowhere near close to having kids. There is no one in my life I'm remotely interested in having kids WITH. But I cannot shake the feeling that even if my brain is not there yet, something in my physical self is saying "come ON, let's just do this already!" I already have a pretty healthy appreciation of the body and the fantastic things it is capable of-there is something extra awesome about it's ability to hijack my brain.

So don't worry, I'm not going to go "Raising Arizona" and steal a baby or anything. But I guess I won't roll my eyes about that "biological clock" anymore. I'm pretty sure it's real. Girl bodies want to make babies whether the owner is on board or not. Who knew?

Youth Group

I am a sucker for a good cover. "Forever Young" by Alphaville is a song I'm pretty sure every single person my age can associate with some high school dance experience.

So it makes sense that I pretty much love this. I don't even remember where I got it but this version has my time in Boston's greasy fingers all over it. Man, that was a wacky couple of years.

Donkeys and Elephants

The U.S. presidential election is now less than a year away. If I had one wish over the next twelve months it would this: that everyone could please remember that your political opinions are just that, opinions. There are smart people with good ideas on both sides of the fence, to completely demonize the "other" party is both childish and naive. Neither party has all the answers, no candidate can possibly be everything to everyone. I get so tired of reading blogs and having conversations where people behave as though they have PhD's in Political Science when most of what they know comes from John Stewart or Bill O'Reilly. Read, research, LISTEN. If you are able to completely dismiss the party you don't support, then you need to keep researching. No one is right about everything and it's dangerous when you start thinking they are...

I guess I'm all fired up about people popping off about things they don't understand as I read about this writer's strike. In a nutshell, the writer's are striking to get a fair percentage of the residuals that come from online/DVD/various other new ways we will figure out to distribute entertainment in the future sales. I have read over and over, "hollywood writers make plenty of money doing a job that is mostly fun, why are they whining about this!". They are whining about it because lots of people are making lots of money off their work and they would like to be fairly compensated for it. So in a way, when you tell the writers to shut up about residuals, you are telling the studios you would like them to keep a bigger part of the pie than they already do. And I have this sneaking suspicion that the same people who think Hollywood writers (who live mostly at the bottom of the pay scale in that town) already make too much, these are not people that are super excited to be putting more pennies in Sumner Redstone's gilded coffers. But I guess if as far as you get in forming your opinion is "hey people with fancy jobs want a raise! not fair!" without doing an ounce of research into what the situation really is, I get why you might get heart palapitations. Too bad that's not the whole story though isn't it?

Maybe a strike isn't the best way to solve a problem, and maybe it's hard to muster sympathy for WGA members who have chosen a career path that isn't exactly akin to feeding orphans. But when you boil it down, there is an unfair situation happening that needs to be addressed. I usually feel guilty when I ask for a raise because hey, I'm not curing cancer and my salary takes good care of me. But my company benefits from my talents in a way that gains revenue. It's only fair that I get to see a reasonable share of that revenue. This is one of the best quotes I've read about what the writers want:

A residual isn't a handout or an allowance or Paris Hilton's trust fund. It's not a lottery payout, or alimony, or an annuity from a slip and fall accident at a casino.

A residual is a deferred payment against the lifetime value of a script.

It's not a perk.

It's okay if you didn't know that. It's in the best interests of a lot of fairly large corporations that you don't.

Obviously I'm in support of the writers, even if it means TV might start to stink here in awhile (maybe I can finally catch up on the PBS documentary The War that has been sitting in the DVR for weeks), I understand if you aren't. But get some facts in your pocket before you tell me why you oppose it. I still may choose to disagree but I promise to listen and consider.

Brown Eyed Girl

Some girls fantasize about their wedding dresses or their bouquets or their centerpieces. Guess what I like to pick out?

Songs for a wedding CD. Which probably explains a little bit why there still hasn't been one.
But probably every wedding CD on earth has this guy on it somewhere right?

All The Real Girls

It has been a long time since I have a seen a movie that has managed to both break my heart and fill me with hope. Big words I realize but "Lars and the Real Girl" was just such a film.

I'll tell you the plot but it's going to sound like a sort of sick SNL sketch. A shy, socially inept man in a small midwestern town buys a sex doll and proceeds to fall in love with her and treat her like a real person.

I know. Sounds kind of creepy doesn't it? But will I tell you that it was an incredibly sweet, tender movie that I can't stop thinking about. Anyone who knows anything about being lonely will be in a hurry to treat Lars' "delusion" with the same sort of patience and kindness he gets from pretty much every character in the movie.

There are a whole slew of fantastic performances in this movie-starting with Ryan Gosling as Lars (who, if he ever decides to stop dating famous actresses and return to his Mormon roots, has my permission to call me), Paul Schneider as his brother, Emily Mortimer as his sister-in-law, Patricia Clarkson as the therapist and Kelli Garner as the flesh and blood female with whom Lars can't quite seem to connect. The soundtrack is enchanting, the writing is clean and deliberate and the cinematography feels really familiar and comfortable. It has a happy ending that it comes by naturally-it's not contrived or cheesy.

The thing I loved most about the movie though was that it reinforced a concept that is becoming more and more important to me the older I get and the more people I know and care about. Everyone has their own little path and it does no good to expect everyone to be on the same one you've chosen. I am not sure it would be the case in real life, but the people around Lars are so understanding and patient with him. The situation is odd and it's hard to see how any good could possibly come of it. But it does. Lots of good, lots of learning, lots of healing. I really believe that people are inherently good, and they want to live quality lives. People we care about don't alway make choices we understand or even approve of sometimes but showing kindness and love anyway is so rarely a bad idea. As the scriptures say "charity never faileth, and is kind." What a delightful way to live don't you think?

It's in limited release so you may not find it at the mega-plex. But I promise it's worth searching out.

Hey Baby

Here's a little tip-if you wait until your new parent friends are really exhausted to come meet the baby, there is a good chance that mommy will let you spend as much time as you want doing this:

Since she won't be waking me up at 2:00 a.m. tonight I was more than happy to just let baby Kate snuggle into me while I caught up with her mother. I am far, far away from having one of these of my own but seriously, this pretty much made my weekend.

Two Cents

Awhile ago I wrote a post about a book that really changed the way I think about the world and how to help save it. I have a few ideas percolating as to how I am going to ACT on that changed thinking but in the meantime, my friend Judy has a project I wanted to bring to our collective attention.

I will preface this by saying that I don't think that all of the world's problems can be solved by check writing, with little sacrifice on our part. However, there are lots of issues in third world countries that actually can be seriously improved by throwing money around. Judy has been working with an organization called CHOICE Humanitarian:

CHOICE Humanitarian is ending poverty by focusing on sustainable village development. Our goal is to connect motivated villages to resources and tools to change their lives. By building skills, capacities and leadership of the villagers – the entire community brings itself out of the cycle of poverty.

She is currently working to finish a community water system in Nueva Concepcion, Guatemala. It will bring fresh water to 367 people in the village. As Judy explains, "access to fresh water will eliminate a lot of diarrhea and disease that causes children to die prematurely. In most of these villages, women and children are required to walk a mile and sometimes more to a water source that isn't always sanitary (because of stagnant water and contamination from animal poo) Lives can be saved by education about hygiene and access to clean water. It is a first step on the pathway out of poverty."

The cost of this project is $2500. If 100 people donated $25 each, Nueva Concepcion would have it's water system. I know the holiday season is approaching and we all have a lot going on, but most of us won't even notice $25.

Judy has set up a blog to explain the project which includes a donation link. It's called Thanks For Water. I just made my contribution this morning. Maybe none of us will ever be Bill Gates or Warren Buffet, with the ability to spend billions and billions to change the world, but this will make a real difference in the lives of the folks in Guatemala. Won't that feel so good?

Celebrate Good Times

Just for kicks, here is my frog costume from yesterday.


The best part is that my friendCristin's toddler was wearing pretty much the same thing last night. Awesome.

I haven't really posted anything about the Red Sox winning the World Series. Unfortunately it was kind of a dull series for anyone not living in Denver in Boston. I watched the Games and I'm thrilled of course, but it just doesn't have the same magic sitting in your couch in HB as screaming in a pub in Sommerville.

So I was delighted with this EPIC post my friend Whitney put up last night describing the Victory Parade and her fantastic Jacoby Ellsbury story. It made me a wee bit homesick but mostly it just reminded me of why sports are so awesome.

Check it out, her best-day-ever feeling is infectious.

Open Letter

Dear Women-

So it's Halloween today. Which means all across the country, you guys are putting on the fishnets and bustiers that go along with your "naughty nurse" or "sexy school girl" costumes. To you I say, seriously? Isn't that SO played out by now? Don't you feel like a giant cliche when you say to yourself, "I'm not just a policewoman, I'm a SEXY policewoman!!!" Can you still do it with a straight face?

Let's just set aside all the feminist and social implications of the hordes of women who use Halloween as a time to wear costumes inspired by the sex trade industry, shouldn't we as a gender be embarrassed at our complete lack of imagination when it comes to this holiday? Those costumes are not interesting, they are not clever, they are not funny-they are obvious and boring. I realize that for many of you out there, Halloween has become Slut-oween and you just can't wait to play out your long held dream of being a pole dancer but I'm asking you, as a fellow female, to think about what kind of message you are sending about ALL of us when you choose to wear something so completely devoid of imagination.

If you are super attached to the idea that Halloween needs to be Show-some-skin-oween there are still plenty of options that will at least show the world that you put a little thought into your costume beyond "what would a porn star do?" I'd rather see 1000 Wonder Women costumes than one more cleavage bearing nurse. At least Wonder Woman has serious super powers right? Not just the ability to attract men using a naked upper thigh. I am not advocating pioneer costumes for all, observe for instance the ladies from the apparel department here at work:



Still attractive, still feminine. But also creative. And awesome. Girls that are more Project Runway than The Real World Las Vegas.

Ladies, let's stop being the props in the Girls Gone Wild version of Halloween. Let's be the kind of sexy that is smart and strong and confident. Let's give the men some credit that while they might get a short-lived rush out of a half naked "teacher", the good ones just really want to see you show some personality.

Sincerely,
the girl getting laughs in the frog costume

Afternoon Diversion

I've done this before but my brain is frozen right now and I need something creative to thaw it out a little bit. So I'm going to play that, "press shuffle on the iPod and talk about the next 10 songs no matter how embarrassing they might be."

1. Aeroplane-The Everybodyfields
What a relief that I get to start off with something GOOD. I got this song off some music blog because they promised if I liked Ryan Adams I would like these guys. Turns out the blog didn't lie. I love a good boy/girl harmony and I REALLY love a beautiful melody. I suggest you head over to that My Space page I linked and check them out.

2. Sunrise-Simply Red
Corey put this on her Valentine's mix this year and I became OBSESSED with it. Like put on repeat 10 or 12 times in a row several time a day kind of obsessed. I can't explain it, nor can I explain how much Simply Red I now own because of it. The chorus feels like it should run over a montage from some movie in the 80's where the heroine finally decides to grow a spine and get the job/throw out the man/be the best she can be. I love it.

3. Muzzle of Bees-Wilco
My little brother calls this the prettiest song on earth. Wilco can do no wrong as far as I am concerned and this song really is the kind of thing that will inspire you to lie in a hammock with a hot boy on a perfect autumn evening. Or something. It's not like I have thought much about it.

4. Can I Stay-Ray LaMontagne
Funny that I mentioned him in yesterday's post. It was at that show that I first heard this song. LaMontangne had asked them to turn out the lights early on in the show because it was hotter than Hades in the venue and he didn't want them shining on him. So it was dark and he sang really softly and then I couldn't find the song ANYWHERE for about a year. By the time I did find it I would have paid anything to get it so good job there Ray.

5. Heavenly Day-Patty Griffin
If I could steal the talent of one female musician, it might be her.

6. Wait for You-Nelly Furtado
I have a healthy, healthy love for Nelly Furtado. I think her lyrics are really smart and authentic and I appreciate how much she experiments with her style. Some of it is more commercial than others but I get a sense that she still just does what she wants.

7. Dashboard-Modest Mouse
I resisted listening to Modest Mouse for years because they seemed like the epitome of indie snob music. Then someone put 3rd Planet on a mix for me and it was like I woke up from a dream where I was dumb enough not to like something for artificial reasons. Thanks the heavens.

8. Good Life-Kanye West
I hate Kanye West. He's such a whiny, egotistical, self-important jerk. I wish that meant his music wasn't very good but it is. It really is. And I sort of like how much hometown pride he has for Chicago. Because Chicago doesn't get enough credit for being a fantastic city.

9. Everlasting-Remy Shand
I don't know why this is still in here. Reminds me of someone I don't need to be reminded of. But now I know I need to delete it.

10. Wedding Song-Andy Stochansky
Oh my gosh! I forgot this was in here! This is such a gem of a little song. I discovered this guy from the Felicity Soundtrack (shut up!)years and years ago. It's a tragedy that his album "Five Star Motel" didn't get more notice. Anyway, when I was living in Boston my sister Emily came to visit just after my 28th birthday. She had made me a CD called "22 looks at you" which was perhaps one of the sweetest collections of songs ever. I love what a bunch of songs can tell you about the way someone sees you. I knew right about I would love this song... "dark eyed girl, this is your world...you're not invisible, sometimes the world's upside down, you feel like you're drowning, you feel like you've gone too far." I guess that looks sort of cliche when it's just written but that's where music gets a free pass I suppose. The melody and the way a lyric is sung can take it from "ew!" to "ahhhhhh". I often lament the fact that I have not a musical bone in my body so my cliches have to lie there and look like the lazy writing they are.

That's ten. Number 11 is New Edition so I'm all for quitting while I'm kind of ahead.

Reasons Why

I've seen Rachel Yamagata live twice-once when she opened for Ryan Adams and once when she opened for Ray LaMontagne. She seems like she might be the kind of girl you think is really awesome when you meet her but then she turns out to be kind of crazy. There are more of those out there than you think-of both genders.

But her music is another story. I have listened to this song about one million times and I'm still not tired of it. Letting go of someone you don't want to lose plain old sucks and I think this song does a pretty spot on job of capturing the way it feels.

Reasons Why
Happy Monday.

Time Machine

Sometimes the universe feels your pain over turning 31 and gives you a weekend that makes you feel like you are still pretty young after all.

Friday night my friends Nikki and Darren got married and their reception was brimming with people I hadn't seen in ages. There was a surprise appearance by a good Salt Lake friend and all kinds of people with babies and spouses I hadn't seen in a long time. A whole slew of us ended up going to a movie afterwards and then I slept until an obscene hour the next morning. If I ever have offspring, I hope hope hope they will get my sleeping gene. If I end up with a bunch of morning people in my house I will be so disappointed.

Then last night I got talked into going to the church Halloween party. By some lucky stroke of fate, it ended up that a lot of my favorite HB people made appearances. It sort of felt like I had dropped into a party in 2003(a stellar year in k8 history), complete with late night trip to Harbor House. It managed to soften the blow a bit of going to the new old people's congregation today. (I might have cried a little bit when I asked the bishop for the form to move my records, but that is a post for another day. Or not. I'm really trying to have a good attitude about this.)

So this is a little bit of Halloween 07:Back to the Future Edition.






Good times.

Proof

Wow, so it turns out you really DO start falling apart in your thirties.

In the last 48 hours I have thrown out my back, gotten a root canal and fitted for more crowns than I would like to talk about.

Awesome.

But sometimes getting older makes you wiser...as is the case with some good friends who just had their first baby. In an unusual twist, Daddy has been doing most of the blogging about their new arrival and he is not only enormously entertaining but also really good at gently tugging at your heart without veering off into cheesy. His post
yesterday was particularly nice.

Have a good weekend folks!

Fall in Line

My sister sent me her annual Fall compilation CD yesterday and as usual, it's really good. There are quite a few standouts but this one in particular has captured my current mood.

Walk

My horoscope last week said "you don't need a change of scenery, just a change in faces." I have been feeling terribly restless lately and I think it's because I am coming up on 24 months of being back in California. I haven't been anywhere much longer than two years since I graduated from college nine years ago. So I'm sort of used to having some new adventure on the horizon around this time. But there isn't really anything I'm dying to change on my job or living space front so I'm just left with this general feeling of, "is this it?"

Is it?

Unreasonable fears

1. Spiders
2. Sirens
3. Santa Ana Winds (this one is new)

As many of you know, Southern California is on fire. I spent the day trying to joke one of my coworkers out of worrying about his house in Lake Arrowhead that may or may not still be standing and there was nothing he could do about it.

I'm not normally afraid of wind. Or any weather really. But just like a really loud clap of thunder, or a big big black dag getting a little too close to me, certain things can take me right back to being a little scaredy-cat third grader who was worried about pretty much anything big or loud. The Santa Ana's blew hard last night and they woke me up every few hours with a vague sense of panic. As if they were blowing in Armageddon or something. Even as I was leaving my office today I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something ominous in the smoky haze outside. It was nothing a little socializing and trying a new pumkin cookie recipe couldn't shake but here I am again, alone late at night with the winds raging outside my window.

I kind of wish my parent's room was down the hall.

La Ti Da

It has nothing to do with crows feet, slowing metabolism or the need for more sleep-a sure sign you are getting older is what you choose to do with a couple of days off.

I have been a traveling maniac the last six weeks so when I left New York on Wednesday I asked my boss if I could take a few comp days so I could go back to actually having coherent thoughts again. I made a list of all the things I was excited to do with what feels like an obscene amount of time to myself. My 25 year old self would have been so depressed about my list.

1. LAUNDRY!
2. Dry cleaning
3. organize bathroom drawers
4. get a haircut
5. blah blah more boring cleaning stuff

So that is what I did yesterday. I cleaned, I organized, I finally took some jeans I bought in JULY to be hemmed. My new living space philosophy is one I read in Real Simple a few months ago-"Have nothing in your house you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful." I am a packrat by nature and I hold on to just about everything (there are 1098 email messages in my g-mail inbox if that tells you anything.) I just can't part with anything that might have a shred of meaning. I did a major closet overhaul a few weeks ago and finally threw out a suit I haven't worn in FIVE years but have kept because it was my first grownup suit.

Anyway, except for a few hours of TV watching and lunch with a friend, I spent the whole day catching up on all the little tasks that build up when you are never home. And it was really, really nice. I have a couple little project to finish up today before another lunch date and a nice long run at the beach and then I will feel like all the garbage in my life is GONE. I can feel my younger self shaking her head that I didn't spend two straight days at the beach but she clearly doesn't realize how much better you sleep in a spotless house.

You feel like this.
The Icicles
(stolen from Mike's blog, I'm such a thief lately!)

I stole this from my friend's social networking profile. I'm in New York right now and although I've never seen anything quite this awesome on a subway, I kind of love that it's a possibility.




Chills.

inevitable

The number is a little off but this song is going to be the theme for the coming year.

32 Flavors-Alana Davis

I was going to make a list of all the good things that had happened this year but then I got embarrassed about how much really has happened and how much I've been complaining lately. So I'll keep the list to myself and I'll read it next time I think I need to spout off about how rough it is to be a middle class, educated american with a good job, great friends and a nice family.

Lucked Out

One thing for which I both envy and pity you gentlemen out there is the picking of formal wear. One the one hand, you are spared all the pain of trying on dress after dress after DRESS in search of something flattering and also sexy and also unique but also classy and age appropriate but not boring. Something that even when it looks good in the fitting room may end up being a complete flop on the dance floor. Connecting with a dress is at least as frustrating as connecting with a boy. However, it's tough to outshine the perfect girl to dress combo no matter how dapper your tux is.

Which leads me to today, and the task of finding a dress for a big fancy party next week in New York with our number one account. This is the kind of fancy party where they invite athletes and celebrities and hold it at a restaurant I only know from articles about P. Diddy's birthday bash. Clearly, my regular wardrobe is not equipped to handle this sucker. I've known about this party for six weeks but it's been six weeks of solid weekend travel for work and I haven't had a moment, or really a bank of patience, to get a dress. I am traveling again this weekend, don't shop on Sundays, and leave for NYC at 6:45 on Monday morning so today pretty much needed to be the day. This is when I love California and it's abundance of sketchy little shops that sell designer knock-offs at normal human prices. I am pleased and SHOCKED to report that I tried on exactly ONE dress in ONE store that fit like a glove and paid less for it than I will for lunches this week. I feel almost guilty.

So when the dress and I got home I downloaded a CD by a band called Lucky Soul-I posted their little gem "Ain't Never Been Cool" last week-and discovered to my complete delight that for the bargain price of $9.99, I just got myself 13 perfect little pop gems. Pop gems that happen to be the perfect companion to trying on my new dress and picking shoes and accessories and maybe just maybe pretending for a moment that I can sing just like Ali Howard. If I had one ounce of musical ability, I hope this is the kind of music I would write.

Here is the video for "Add Your Light To Mine, Baby." I dare you not to fall madly in love with this band.



And if that didn't do it to you, take this song, turn it way up and seriously, check and see if you even have a pulse because these guys are awesome.
One Kiss Don't Make a Summer

And so is my dress.

30 Rocked

"Lemon if there are two things I'm certain of, it's that you will never finish that quilt and that you are not over Floyd."

So is it funny or sad or maybe both that the TV character I most identify with right now is the one who was glumly eating ham on an empty sound stage while wearing a wedding dress she bought on sale "just in case"?

I watched the 30 Rock premiere last week and although it was completely hilarious, it also reminded me that I'm turning 31 in five days and I'm completely terrified about it.

I love Tina Fey's character on that show. She has a great job, she's smart, talented, funny, respected by her boss and coworkers, but she's also kind of clueless and maybe a wee bit dramatic. I don't mind saying that I see some serious parallels between Liz Lemon and me.

In this episode, Liz has broken up with her super adorable boyfriend Floyd and is desperately trying to pretend she is totally over it. A trip to look for bridesmaid dresses ends with her writing staff finding her standing in her office in a wedding dress shouting "if needs be-I will marry myself!!". As I was watching the scene I thought, "Ok, so yes, she looks like a total loon right now but I think I know EXACTLY what she is feeling right there and I'm sort of afraid that given the opportunity, I might be in a similiar situation someday."

Like it or not, relationship status can often overshadow any other good things in our lives. Last year on my 30th birthday, my mother and sister were helping me pack for a week long trip that would take me to New York City for several black tie parties and PR meetings and then to San Francisco to meet up with some college friends and then run a half marathon. Mom and Emily had suprised me by coming to visit for my birthday and I had just said goodbye to the last of the guests at my super fun party where I laughed away the evening with a bunch of people I really love. But there I was, trying to figure out exactly how to fit 8 days worth of incredibly varied clothing into the suitcase, and sobbing, because I was 30 and single and the crush I had been nursing for a few months had proved that evening to be totally uninterested. I was at least smart enough to be terribly disappointed in myself for letting something so stupid and beyond my control cancel out the one million things in my life that were going right, but I'll admit that I did cry it out that night. By the next day I was laughing with a bunch of friend over dinner in Manhattan and back to feeling really at peace with my new stage in life. And the last year has bourne out my theory that my 30's were going to be just the beginning of all manner of new adventures.

Now 31 is roaring up and I'm finding myself a little worried. There is a very delicate line between, "I really do want to find someone to spend my life with and I think I'll be pretty sad if that doesn't happen," and, "I have a pretty great life whether or not I get married I have lots and lots to be thankful for." At 31 you start doing a little too much math and realizing that your baby-having years are fast disappearing and the pool of boys your age who share your religious leanings is getting shallower everyday. All of the sudden the idea of a grown women who is perfectly sane finding out her ex has a new girlfriend and then buying her dream wedding dress because it was on sale and trying it on at work and getting busted for being CRAZY seems less like thursday night on NBC and more like wednesday afternoon at my office.

So there it is. I'm not dealing well with this upcoming birthday and I'm actually OK with that. Because Liz Lemon is still funny and smart and successful and strong and capable and totally normal even if now and then she needs to sit on the sound stage in her $4,000 "ham napkin."

perfection

A sunny San Francisco afternoon, the Beatles blaring, indian takeout on the way, running into the new awesome in the hallway, friday night lights in and hour and a half and some quality time with the Kane's.

If only work travel was always this awesome.

Flipside

Ok so yes, fishing through old emails can painful. It can also be awesome when you run across gems like this congratulatory message from seven years ago when I moved out of my parent's house and into my own apartment.

k
Look at our little girl. All grown up. I am beaming with pride. Let me
know when I can stop by and see the place and warn the neighbors about how
much you drink and how promiscuous you are. Have a nice day.
b

Yep, this is how the people who love me most talk to me. It's a wonder I'm not weirder.

Speaking of, this song is both awesome and rad. Give it a listen. I'm getting on another plane in 8 hours to watch the season premiere of Friday Night Lights in a secret location. Woot!

Ain't Never Been Cool

Fairweather Johnson

It's baseball playoff time and I'm thrilled that my Red Sox started off the series against the Angels with a big fat win.

My friend was lightly ribbing me today about being a bandwagon jumper seeing as how I only became a Boston fan back in 2004, the year the Sox won the World Series. My knee-jerk defense is that I was actually a Massachusetts RESIDENT at the time and as a Utah native, it's not like I was abandoning a hometeam in favor of the world champs. And frankly, I was an Orange County resident when the Angels won THEIR World Series and I didn't jump on that fan train so obviously, I'm pretty authentic.

So that's the knee jerk. But there is a deeper connection then just geography between the Sox and me. I only lived in Boston for two years but they were two really dramatic years. In October of 2004 I was in the midst of a massively disappointing boy experience and there was an undercurrent of sadness to much of that fall and winter. However, there were also a few budding friendships at that time, looking for an excuse to blossom. Although I had lived in a World Champion city before, nothing prepares you for playoff season in Boston. I am not exaggerating when I say that EVERYONE is watching baseball in October. Everyone at work, everyone at church, my roomates, strangers on the T, every bar, every restaurant, every small child-they all get Red Sox fever. So you almost have to be an anti-social fun hater not to join in. Add to the fever the feeling that we were SO CLOSE to a World Series the year before and all the talk of the Curse of Babe Ruth and the looooong drought since the last Championship and well, there is a reason they set the movie "Fever Pitch" in Boston.

So you take one sad little girl needing a major distraction, a collection of random kids all sort of looking for a group to join, and a team you seriously couldn't help but fall in love with and the stage was set for one amazing month. I watched games in crowded Irish pubs, in college sports bars, in living rooms, on restaurants televisions. I got text messages from friends who actually went to the games. Corey and I had tickets to a concert the night of the famous Game 4 against the Yankees. We watched a couple of innings before the show figuring the Sox were cooked, then ended up going to the show for one song and coming back to watch our boys pull it out in the 12th inning. I danced in Harvard Square under a full moon the night the Sox swept the Cardinals. And somewhere in the course of that month, a bunch of people I only sort of knew became close friends that I'm delighted to say are ALL still in my life.

I won't say that the World Series cured my sadness because it didn't. There were still lots of dark months ahead. But I will say that there was something almost magic about what the Red Sox did that year and I think that magic rubbed off on all of us a little. No one thought they could come back from losing three games to the Yankees. But Boston was covered in "BELIEVE" stickers. It was like some kind of athletic revival meeting everywhere you went. Those fans who had rooted for their team in vain for years and years and years were simply unwilling to give up. The Red Sox happened to be a really great team that year but I'm not going to discount the effect of the collective faith of an entire city on their ability to pull off a pretty miraculous comeback. If that series had been a movie, we all would have rolled our eyes at the improbability. But it did happen and for me, it was a nice reminder that even seemingly impossible situations can have really killer endings.

Furthermore, I think my little teaser forgot that it was the 2004 Angels-Sox series and the bi-coastal e-mail fued it inspired that was the genesis of OUR friendship.

So yeah, I guess I'm unabashedly on the Red Sox bandwagon.

Here is a cover of The Standell's "Dirty Water' by former Sox pitcher Bronson Arroyo. Cameos by several other Sox as well and a bunch of fun references to great moments from the 2004 playoffs.
Boston, You're My Home!

Watch it

Word on the street is that the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty isn't moving any product. But I applaud them for addressing the way the beauty industry can affect women. This latest edition is probably my favorite.



I'm a girl who loves make-up, clothes, hair products, skin care and on and on and ON. But I'm glad I grew up in a house where there was equal, if not more, emphasis on smarts and hard work and being a productive member of society. I think my sisters and I turned out OK.

Meaningless

You know what I love on a boring Tuesday morning?

A random, meaningless coincidence.

I was listening to the radio on the way to work today and an old Prince song came on. And I thought to myself, "I like this song but I wish it was 'I Wanna Be Your Lover' instead."

Then I stopped to grab some breakfast and when I got back in the car and switched stations, guess what was playing? My song!

I know, totally meaningless. And also kind of awesome.

Do not try this at home

I love email but here is one reason sometimes I also hate it.

Because rereading old emails can sometimes rip your heart right out.

Good thing I have this on the same computer.