Awkward

Wow, I can't believe I actually put that on my blog yesterday. That was a definite overshare. To make up for it, and to assure you that I am not a complete idiot, here's one of my very favorite bands playing one of my very favorite songs.



My sister put this on a mix for me when I was moving to California a long long six years ago and it's managed to weasel it's way into all sorts of good life moments since. Fair warning to any future husband, I don't have a lot of superficial requirements of you but...you do probably have to like this song.

Wilco is playing at Red Butte Gardens in Utah this summer and if I were you and I lived anywhere near, I'd probably be there.

KARMA

I have a friend who spent this weekend holed up in her apartment working on papers for her graduate program. As I saw her little green light still going strong on gchat as I was going to bed I thought to myself, "I do not miss those days!"

So it's a little bit funny that now I'm spending hours on a presentation outlining my five year plan that has to go to the Board Meeting with my boss next week. It's cool though, I just have to explain how we are going to triple in size by 2013. That's not hard. Plus I have some Lime and Chili almonds, plenty of Diet Coke and an iPod full of really embarrassing things I can't seem to stop downloading lately. Seriously, I paid 99 whole cents for this



They sound better on the actual video but it's a wee bit too risque for this family show. I'll tell you what though, get this really loud in your car and it's a perfect sing-along song. "DO YOU DO YOU GOT A FIRST AID KIT HANDY? ARE YOU PATIENT UNDERSTANDING...'cause I might need some time to clear the hole in my heart and mind." Then they ask like a million times "how you gonna fix it?"

Not quite "I am woman hear me roar" but it's getting me through the afternoon.

Cut it Out

One album that will always remind me of my first summer in Boston is Cut Copy's "Bright Like Neon Love". My friend Whitney and I have tickets to see them in two weeks at my favorite venue, The Paradise. Here's my current fave off their new album. A staple of my running mix these days and maybe a light night dance party in my room or two. Shhhhh.

Lights and Music

Also, a friend just sent this to me and I simply can't keep it to myself



Lastly, who hasn't been here. This song cracks me up. Thanks Corey.

Trouble

My friend recommended Ray Lamontagne to me a few years ago based on my undying love for Ryan Adams. I have yet to get tired of him. I saw him in Utah with my sister and brother several summers ago. The venue was absurdly hot and he asked if they could please turn off the stage lights so it would be a little cooler. Ray Lamontagne in the dark on a sweaty summer night is pretty much the definition of perfection. Two songs I have on repeat tonight.

Hannah
Jolene

Blindspot

I sometimes leave messages for myself on my work voicemail. It always feels so weird to hear my own voice the way it sounds to everyone else. It's so different from the way it sounds in my head.

So last week I was at the little mingle we always have after church and three boys I know were standing together talking. So I went up and put my arms around two of them and said, "well here are three boys I like quite a bit." One of them made some crack about polyandry and I said I was all for it. One of them said, "no way, three men? We'd kill each other." I responded that men punching each other and then being over it was probably preferable to the slow emotional damage a bunch of women competing for one man could do to each other. Then the other one says, "well I certainly wouldn't want to cross YOU," and the first guy starts laughing so hard I thought he was going to choke. I asked him what was SO funny and he says, "you know when you hear something that is just SO TRUE?" and keeps giggling. I made a fake pouty face and laughed it off but the guy kind of had a point. Let me paint a little picture for you of an experience he had with me a few weeks earlier.

I had been here in Boston about two weeks and we went out for sushi one night. He recently moved into a new apartment so after dinner we went over for a little tour. He has a two bedroom apartment in a big cool building in Cambridge with a lovely view of the city and a great kitchen-a very grownup apartment. And it was a diseaster. He hosted a big Super Bowl party and had yet to clean up. Shall we do the math on that one? I watched the Super Bowl in California, then spent a week in Utah and had been working in Boston for two more. This was an old mess. After he showed me around we sat down to watch TV and after about two minutes I just couldn't hold it in and I said, "I can't just sit here when your beautiful apartment is this messy! We're cleaning it!" I should probably give the disclaimer here that this is a friend from my last tour of duty in Boston and not some poor kid I had only known for two weeks and was already bossing around. I try to wait at least a month before I start telling new friends what to do. So we spent about 45 minutes picking up the place. At one point as I was vacuuming in the living room he said, "you know, I just got a flash of what it would be like to be married to you," and I said, "oh sweetie, if you were married to me we wouldn't be doing this because the house would never have looked like this." We finished up and it really did look and feel about a million times better but by then I was feeling bad and hoping that I hadn't embarrassed a good friend. He said something about assertive women being sexy that I hope meant he didn't think I was a total head case. Then when he took me home he said, "you know I never realized you were so Type A. I kind of thought you were a little more relaxed."

SO DID I! I've been torturing myself a little bit since that night-thinking a lot about the personality I hear in my head and the one that everyone else hears and wondering how different they really are. I was out with a new friend earlier this week and as I was talking and telling stories I kept thinking, "huh, you sound a little crazy sometimes".

So I'm kind of a bossy, neurotic worrywart and I guess knowing that is a good step towards keeping it all in check. If I've learned anything from two seasons of 30 Rock, at least I'm the kind of crazy that makes for really good jokes. And listen, as long as people are laughing, maybe they won't notice that you just cleared their glass off the table before they were done because you can't stand a messy table.

Block

I have about five posts in the hopper that I have NOT had the time to finish. Backed up blog posts tend to make me totally nutty so I'm resolving to take care of this soon. Very soon.

TOYS!

I got something very exciting in the mail this week.




IT'S A BIKE! IT'S A BIKE!

I really love to run and I don't see myself quitting anytime soon but I've been thinking lately that it would probably be a good idea to get myself an athletic endeavor that does not involve intense pounding to all of my joints. Two of my brothers and a healthy amount of my friends are bike fiends so I finally decided to join the pack. It's only a little bit funny that after six summers where I spent the majority of my weekends working a triathlon somewhere, I get a bike when I'm no longer surrounded by riders.

I still have to get a helmet and a lock and some shorts with "rump padding" (as my brother put it), before I can really take her out for a spin but I'm kind of beside myself about it. I rode it up and down my street a bunch of times last night like I used to when I was a kid.

My friend Eric warned me, "in six months you'll either be selling the thing because you only rode it twice or you'll be selling it because you are ready to upgrade. That's just what happens when you start this biking thing." Can't wait to see which one it it!

ABC

tagged by Lori : )

A. ATTACHED OR SINGLE? Single. Might be open to attachements.
B: BEST FRIENDS? More than my share.
C: CAKE OR PIE? Chocolate. The cakier the better.
D: DAY OF CHOICE? one that begins whenever my body feels like waking up
E: ESSENTIAL ITEMS? chapstick.
F: FAVORITE COLORS? if you look in my closet you would think it's black. my car is black too. but i like to pretend it's yellow or bright green or something like that.
G: GUMMY BEARS OR WORMS? Bears. My dad used to bring them home for us when he went on work trips.
H: HOMETOWN? The SLC is my hometown and definitely in my blood. Huntington Beach is the grownup home I picked myself and Boston is feeling more and more hom-ish.
I: FAVORITE INDULGENCE? the whole pint of Ben and Jerry's, sleeping away an entire morning, talking a shower until the hot water runs out
J: JANUARY OR JULY? July. I can't believe this is even a question. Who chooses January?
K: KIDS? like 'em. hope to have a couple someday.
L: LIFE ISN'T COMPLETE WITHOUT...Good food, good people, good laughs (copycat, what else is there??)
M: MARRIAGE DATE? someday on the floating city of New Chicago
N: NUMBER OF BROTHERS AND SISTERS? three brothers, two sisters, three sister's in law
O: ORANGES OR APPLES? I eat apples more often because peeling stinks. but i like oranges better.
P: PHOBIA OR FEARS? sirens (although now that I live in a rough neighborhood and next to a hospital complex that is sort of fixing itself), spiders, earthquakes
.Q: QUOTE? "Never go with a hippie to a second location." Jack Donagy
R: REASONS TO SMILE? warm weather, good news from friends, a compliment
S: SUPERMAN OR WONDER WOMAN? Wonder Woman. Obviously
T: TAG 5 PEOPLE. Tag yourself!
U: UNKNOWN FACT ABOUT ME? To quote Kelly Ripa, "I'm an open book, and if you don't turn the pages fast enough I'll turn them for you."
V: VEGETABLE? Artichokes. I recently learned how to cook them and I can't believe it took me so long.
W: WORST HABIT? Procrastination
X: X-RAY OR ULTRASOUND? Ultrasound
Y: YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? Spaghetti with my family's famous cold sauce. I have to make it this week now that it's in my head.
Z: ZODIAC SIGN? She's a libra. A fire dragon libra.

Toes

I have always hated sleeping in socks. The only time I'll do it is if I'm camping. It's hard to explain but I just don't like having a barrier between my feet and my sheets.

But when I moved here I just couldn't ever get warm enough even in my house so one night I left my slippers on when I got into bed and it seemed to help. It became a habit and got to the point where I would wake up and freak out if a sock happen to fall off in the night. Suddenly I couldn't sleep if I wasn't wearing them.

Tonight I made a decision that I will NOT be wearing socks to bed anymore. I forgot how good it feels to run my toes along my fresh-out-of-the-washing-machine-high-thread-count-white-sheets.

I'm posting such a completely mundane event because it really surprised me how quickly I got used to doing something I used to hate. And then how nice it is to give it up again. I haven't really figured out if that has any significance though. Probably not.

Littles

I babysat for some friends tonight and I think I can confidently say that pretty much nothing beats rocking a baby to sleep.

Thanks

Facebook is giving me a complex. They have a new feature that suggests people you might know based on the amount of friends you have in common. "your friends jack, jill, sam, john, mark, lisa, ellie, marcy and henry all know trudy, don't you?"

No Facebook, I apparently don't know this person that everyone else knows but thanks for making me aware.

p.s. These things only seem to matter after midnight. When people with jobs really ought to be in bed, and not on the computer.

IF

John Mayer was a kid in my ward and was an accountant or a dentist or something who played a little guitar at parties and stuff instead of a really famous guy who sometimes writes cheesy songs and dated JESSICA SIMPSON for crying out loud, I would probably have to marry him and have some babies with him.

He started a blog on his website awhile back and while it was often ramblings on cool sneakers or links to YouTube, it was also pretty funny and clever with just enough self-conciousness to make you think even a huge celebrity can still be kind of a dork on the inside. But then he posted some defense of J-Simp when everyone was blaming her for Tony Romo stinking it up on the football field (I don't particularly like her but seriously? If the guy can't play because his girlfriend is watching isn't that his problem not hers?) and then he posted what seemed like angry lyrics about an ex and tried to explain himself later blah blah blah, suddenly there was a non-story about how John Mayer was such a tool because he kept trying to defend himself on his blog. And then he shut the whole thing down and replaced it with a sign saying, "Done and Dusted and Self-Conscious and Back to Work." Celeb gossip sites were all excited to point out what a tool he was for caring what people think. To which I say, duh. We all care what people think and frankly, I don't want to live in a world where everyone has a "I do what I want!" attitude all the time.

Well I guess he had a little more to say because the blog is back up. And I thought his last entry was really nice...so here is an excerpt from my total guilty pleasure:

"....This is about all of us. Who all seem to know deep down that it's incredibly hard to be alive and interact with the world around us but will try and cover it up at any cost. For as badass and unaffected as we try to come off, we're all just one sentence away from being brought to the edge of tears, if only it was worded right. And I don't want to act immune to that anymore. I took the biggest detour from myself over the past year, since I decided that I wasn't going to care about what people thought about me. I got to the point where I had so much padding on that, sure, I couldn't feel the negativity, but that's because I couldn't feel much of anything. And I think I'm done with that.

I'm not the first person to admit we're all self conscious, Kanye was. But what I want to do is to shed a little light on why we're all in the same boat, no matter the shape of the life we lead: because every one of us were told since birth that we were special. We were spoken to by name through a television. We were promised we could be anything that we wanted to be, if only we believed it and then, faster than we saw coming, we were set loose into the world to shake hands with the millions of other people who were told the exact same thing.

And really? Really? It turns out we're just not all that special, when you break it down. Beautifully unspectacular, actually. And that truth is going to catch up with us whether we want to run from it or not. The paparazzo following me to the gym ain't gonna be Herb Ritts and the guy he's following ain't gonna be Bob Dylan. It's just a matter of how old you are once you embrace that fact. And for me, 30 sounds about right.

What now, then? I can only really say for myself: Enjoy who I am, the talents and the liabilities. Stop acting careless. In fact, care more. Be vulnerable but stay away from where it hurts. Read. See more shows. Of any kind. Rock shows, art shows, boat shows. Create more art. Wear hoodies to dinner. Carry a notebook and hand it to people when they passionately recommend something and ask them to write it down for me.

Root for others.

Give more and expect the same in return, but over time.

Act nervous when I'm nervous, puzzled when I don't know what the hell to do, and smile when it all goes my way. And never in any other order than that.

And when it's all over, whether at the end of this fabulous career or of this life, which I hope takes place at the same time, I should look back and say that I had it good and I made the most of it while I was able. And so should you."

Good

Start to finish this was a fantastic weekend. Fun things, fun people and the realization that Boston is a city better lived inside than on the outskirts.

In addition to being fun, there was some meat to the weekend as well. It sort of started out Friday night at the Rogue Wave show. I met up with some friends and couldn't help remembering the last time I had been at a concert at that venue with those particular people. It shocked me a little bit think about how different our current lives are from the paths we were on that night almost three years ago. I think I can speak for them when I say that we are all happier people thanks to some fairly dramatic changes of plans over the past few years. It was nice to get some "rest of the story" perspective on things. And perspective gained while enjoying live rock and roll is some of the best kind.

Saturday was a good kind of blur-running,breakfasting,shopping, getting a little sun-and then it was time for an evening church meeting before my friend Whit's birthday party. I will confess that I was doing a little too much chatting with my neighbor during the first bit of the meeting and maybe not getting as much out of it as I could have. Then the speaker quoted a scripture that practically came to life and jumped into my lap. " He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world". It must have been something everyone there needed to hear because our whole row of socialites suddenly snapped to attention. I've been thinking a LOT lately about why hard things have to happen. Why some people seem to get hit really hard and others look to have it a little easier. Feeling powerless in the face of difficult things happening in the world and to folks I love. I think I've heard the one about how trials are the best way to learn about a million times and frankly, that's not always what you want to hear in the middle of one crappy experience after another or when you are wondering why you work so hard to be good and make good choices and the righteous thing you really want remains firmly outside your grasp. Understanding that every single thing that happens in the human experience is for the good of the world carries with it an enormous amount of comfort and hope. The major injustices of the world are easier to accept if somehow they are leading to a great good. My little family has been through all kinds of rough stuff-divorce, serious illness, financial difficulties-thing that I wouldn't wish on anyone. But I look at who all of us have become because of those experiences and I know that every hard thing directly contributed to every good thing we've been through as well. These last few months have exposed an exhausting amount of worries and fears an doubts and I have not felt like myself in a long while. Last night I had one of those "I see you down there and I know what you need" moments that help me get through the dark patches when it feels like I'm shouting into a void.

I've let myself get really wrapped up in my own life for a bit and I think that was OK. I needed it. But now it's time to contribute to the "good of the world". I've been kind of MIA to kind friends checking in on me and a somewhat selfish with my time since I got here. I'm excited to feel whole again and to put some of that positive energy into my little sphere.

This

will stop being funny someday but it isn't yet.

72 and Sunny

Well at least it was yesterday. I'll say this for the crappy crappy weather here, when we do get a day with sun and warmth it's like people explode out of all the buildings and everyone looks like "what, we're always running/eating/hanging out here."

I had to work all day so I missed the bulk of the sun and now we have storm clouds gathering but no matter, I have a ticket to tonight's Rogue Wave show in my pocket, no reason to get up before 10 tomorrow and Whit's birthday at Fudrucker's which for a change I don't have to just hear about later.

I'm obsessed with this song lately. I loooooove girl groups and these ladies are silky silky.

Joy

Once upon a time a little girl moved from Utah to California who really liked music. The big move had her all excited to try new and wonderful things and so when she made friends with a boy who was himself a music freak, she was thrilled to sit at his feet and be taught-after all, this boy was at least 8 years older than she and had been obsessively collecting music since he was wee. Over the next year, boy was responsible for introducing girl to a wide range of artists, many of whom are still her very favorites. Then girl moved to Boston, boy got married and the magical referrals slowed to a trickle of emails here and there. Girl had plenty of other like minded sources by then and had developed her own ability to find audio gems but she still mourned loss of trusted guru.

Thankfully, boy proved that marriage and daddyhood are completely compatible with many pre-settling down and becoming a responsible adult pasttimes and he started a great blog that still manages to find treasures just a little bit before they are everywhereallthetimesothebuzz.

The lastest treat from www.acertainromance.com is Fleet Foxes. For some reason Blogger doesn't want to let me post any audio files today but here is White Winter Hymnal on YouTube. I am just terrible at explaining why I like certain bands but just trust me on these guys, great melodies, great voices, great lyrics. Everyone is comparing them to My Morning Jacket and Band of Horses but throw in some Crosby Stills and Nash too. They were supposed to play here in Boston a couple of weeks ago but the show was cancelled. Broke my heart a little.

CAN YOU STAND IT???

I'm pretty sure that all will feel right in the world this Thursday night at 8:30 when 30 Rock makes it's triumphant return to new episodes. I was rewatching the Midnight Train to Georgia sequence today at NBC.com and I almost wept with joy.


Here are some highlights to get you all ready for the big event..

Mi Familia

Last night I had a lovely conversation with my just younger brother as I was driving home from a gathering. After we hung up I jumped on the computer and the other four siblings and one in-law all happened to be on g-chat at once so we had a little family online convo. It was pretty similiar to our offline interactions-everyone typing at once and about 10 conversations happening on top of each other. Talking to every last one of them in the space of an hour certainly made me miss them, especially because you never know when something like this is going to happen:



Kind of explains a lot doesn't it?

Roast

It's a strange feeling when you read your own words and it doesn't seem like you even know the person who wrote them. I was going through some of my blog archives today and I was disappointed at how normal I used to sound and how mopey I have been as of late. I know part of it is that I am out of all of my elements. But the trip to Sweden went well and I came home feeling much more connected to my job. I had some really good discussions that made me think I might actually be qualified for this thing.

Yesterday I woke up and listened to my church's General Conference on the internet (hoo-ray for live streaming that lets me relive conference the way I used to as a kid-on the radio!) and then set out on a run. I joined a gym right after I got here which has been great-it's too dark or too cold to run outside these days and I turn into someone you don't want to know if I can't work out a few times a week-but a treadmill is simply not the same as hitting the pavement in the fresh air.

It was a little overcast and damp yesterday but nothing a few layers and a hat couldn't contend with. I didn't really have a plane when I left the house except to head to the river. From my neighborhood that means running right through the center of the city. I think I probably blogged about a million times about how much I loved running along the beach in HB. No matter how many times I hit that boardwalk I never got sick of it. I think the same can probably be said for the streets of downtown Boston and the banks of the Charles River. It got progressively sunnier as I went and there were people spilling out all over the place. There were other runners everywhere, I guess there is a pretty famous marathon coming up in a few weeks or something? I ran past the Boston Pops, the Christian Science Church headquarters, the Berklee College of Music, up and down Boyleston and Comm Ave and across the Mass Ave Bridge. I turned around and looked at the Boston skyline, from the gold dome of the state house to the big old Citgo sign over near Fenway and I almost started laughing at myself. "Seriously, you really want to complain about having to live here again?" The weather is unforgivable, there is never ever anywhere to park, it's expensive and takes too long to get to Utah in a hurry, I miss my friends, produce is not great here and did I mention I really hate the weather? But Friday night I went to see a limited release screening of the breakdance documentary Planet B-Boy and the producer did a Q&A after the show, last week I drove about five minutes to see The Raveonettes at one of the best little venues in the country and the Red Sox will be playing two miles from my house for the next seven months. I don't think I want to live here forever but if the last ten years of my life are any indication, I don't have to do anything for more than about two years. I am really, really trying to work on this whole "trusting God" thing that sometimes I am good at and sometimes I fail at miserably. I'm starting to feel more like my old self again but I'm also trying to make room for whatever kind of new self would like to join me here as well. So stay tuned I guess.

Circadia

It's 11:19 p.m. in Boston, I woke up 9:00 a.m. in Sweden and didn't sleep a wink on the plane so WHY AM I STILL AWAKE????

All I can say is that I'm amazed at how powerful our personal rhythms are. Even when I got plenty of sleep in Sweden, I didn't feel like myself until I hit my normal Boston hours. Makes me wonder who is really in control here...