Irrational fear

I have had three true recurring dreams in my life. One was the "i'm home from my mission and insisting I didn't finish but everyone tells me I did" dream that started in the MTC and continued through my mission. They always felt incredibly real and I was often quite disappointed to wake up and discover I was still in my missionary twin bed. The next one started a few months after i got home and is the "somehow I am BACK on my mission despite the fact that I really did finish" dream. The last one has been haunting me since college. The "I've married/am just about to marry the wrong person" dream.

The mission dreams are interesting, and I'm sure somewhere in my brain there is a reason for them. But they are harmless. The marriage dreams, however, are really starting to worry me. I had the first one in college, and the boy in it was my brand new first boyfriend (I know, I am a later bloomer in just about everything which is a subject for another post). I guess I don't have to tell you how long that relationship ultimately lasted. Over the years the "groom" has ranged from a complete stranger, to a boy I have a crush on, to random boys I know in whom I have no interest. The common thread is that they always start on the actual wedding day, I never have any idea how or why I said yes to this person and I always spend the entire dream feeling sick and disappointed.

Sometimes they are sort of funny. One ended with the boy picking me after the reception in a monster truck and me thinking, "forget my own inability to say no-how badly did my friend/family safety net have to fail to allow me to marry a monster truck owner???". Sometimes they are pathetic. I had one dream where I was in the temple, realized I couldn't go through with it and went to tell the boy only to discover him in a closet with one of my bridesmaids. When I finally wake up from these, I am incredibly relieved to be alone with an empty ring finger.

I don't know where I picked up this fear and why it so loves to play itself out in my subconscious. My mother has gotten too many phone calls over the years that begin with, "I don't have to marry so and so do I???" I have a habit of fixating on someone I am not interested in and then worrying for weeks and months that I'll probably accidently end up with him. Even when I say it aloud I realize how absurd it sounds but it's like the dreams serve as little bits of proof that it's where I'm headed.

So I cling to this. When you leave your mission your President always gives you some parting advice. I think it's usually to hurry up and get married. But mine looked me in the eye and said, "marriage isn't a service project, it's one of just a few decisions that should be totally selfish."

Which I didn't take to mean-you have to marry a perfect person. I just think it means that I get to be excited about it. I get to choose. I only have to marry a monster truck guy if for some reason I've fallen in love with him. Seems unlikely but hey, you should have seen some of the crushes I had in college.

I did have one dream once where I was engaged and so happy I was telling everyone. Didn't get a good look at the fiance though. I'm hoping that means he's out there somewhere.