Scattered

Be forewarned, my 30th birthday is so close I could hit it with a rock and it's making my head swim with alternate waves of satisfaction and panic. Sometimes I walk down the list of things I've experienced and accomplished and think, "really? wow, I can't believe this is my life!" Other days I am completely consumed with the things that haven't happened. The stuff I have left to do. I am hoping that actually turning 30-and not just staring helplessly as it hurtles towards me-will quiet some of the loudest fears and worries. So if the next few weeks bring a post or two of a more serious nature than "OMG! We totally had so much fun this weekend!", it's because my heart is swinging back and forth between wanting the last four weeks of my twenties to be one non-stop party, and hoping for some sort of serious epiphany that will alter the course of my next 30 years.

For a variety of reasons, I have spent a lot of time thinking about breakups over the last few months. I don't want to get into a lot of specifics or make this post into some sob story. I want simply to say that a complete review of all the romantic relationships of my life thus far has yielded this conclusion.

"There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say"

I feel like it's a big accomplishment to be able to say that and to mean it-that I can look back now and see good things about each of these experiences, can find things I learned in each situation, and ultimately feel peaceful about the endings. I was telling a friend tonight that sometimes I feel like my 15 year old sister and I have more in common than I have with married women my own age because I am still dealing with bad dates and awkward crushes. And I guess to some extent that is kind of true, but the truth is that at 15 I had a tendency to assume that any boy who didn't like me back, or hurt my feelings, or flat didn't notice me, was just a dumb jerk. I am glad to have reached a point in my life where I can see that sometimes, two good people just don't work out. Even if you really love each other. I have found that not looking at men as eventual enemies in the dating game, but instead realizing that it's just as confusing and difficult for them, has made a huge difference in the way I feel about relationships and in the way I treat people.

So one of my 30 year old resolutions is that I will not be taking the "boys are dumb!" mentality into the next phase of my life. Unpredictable and confusing and totally frustrating at times? For sure. But I suspect that I can be all of those things as well. I want to be able to live my life with more "sure learned a lot from that one" and less "I wish I had never met you".

Alright October 14. Maybe I'm almost ready for you.