In Fairness

That last song was a little depresso so I feel compelled to post what I think is probably the most ROMANTIC song I've heard in a long long time.

This one is from one of my very favorite bands, a little Canadian group named Stars. I saw them in Boston once upon a time and they were magical.

The song is a great lyrical arguement for monogamy. As fun as it is to have sparks and first kisses and go through learning a new person, it's actually incredibly hot to have someone in your life is already there:

I know your face
all the ways you move
you come in, I can read you
you're my favourite book

A boy who was not even interested in me once figured out the patterns of the way I laugh and I'll confess, there was something very sweet about being figured out. Even for something as silly as octaves in a giggle.

Give it a listen.
My Favourite Book

Obsession

This might be the saddest song I have ever heard.

Today you were far away
and I didn't ask you why
What could I say
I was far away
You just walked away
and I just watched you
What could I say

How close am I to losing you

Tonight you just close your eyes
and I just watch you
slip away

How close am I to losing you

Hey, are you awake
Yeah I'm right here
Well can I ask you about today

How close am I to losing you
How close am I to losing

Just download it though because I think the lyrics look sort of melodramatic alone but feel very immediate and real when you hear them.

Judging me, judging you

Over on a message board I frequent there is a battle raging about infidelity. As in, "would you, could you" work through such a thing if it happened to you. I really don't want to get into a similiar discussion here, as in REALLY don't, but one of the responses really struck a chord with me:

I used to think I knew the answer to this.

I don't know a thing, that is the answer.

This has been on my mind in a big way the last few years. The "knowing" thing. The "having all the answers" thing. Turns out I don't really know much about anything. My careful observations of behavior and relationships and motivations and consequences have lead me to believe that all the caveats and deal breakers and hard and fast rules in the world go swiftly out the window when you are presented with real situations involving actual living, breathing people. Maybe it's too many movies where every one dimensional thing works out just as it should and every character reacts the way they are supposed to and says exactly what they mean, and you start to believe there are equations in life that will get you the things you want.

As it turns out, I can't seem to figure out any of those equations. A + B just so rarely seems to equal the C I was hoping for. And people don't always react how you want them to and sometimes their mouths say one thing and their heart means exactly the opposite. Sometimes people who love you hurt your feelings or disappoint you and you have to learn to stop thinking of relationships in terms of baseball strikes. You figure out that there is no peace in being a victim even if it feels justified. It sinks in that forgiving always feels better than carrying baggage around, and that in the end, you only have control over your own behaviour. You can't control your boss or your friends or you family. Just yourself. And if you can let go of unreasonable expectations of everyone and everything around you, it frees you up to notice that most people are a lot more good than they are bad. Most of them are really trying.

Anyway, I want to give more people more chances. I ask God for lots and lots of them and I guess I feel like I owe it to everyone around me to do the same.

And ONE!

My first job out of college was as a sport coordinator for Short Track and Figure Skating at the Olympics in Salt Lake. I could go on for days, and bore you to tears, about how much I loved that job. I will spare you tonight however, but I was thinking today about one of the fun things I got to do during the month of the Games. The Committee had hired a bunch of sport photographers, folks like John Huet,Tibor Nemeth,Sheila Metzner,and
Ian Logan to shoot the Games in a more intimate way than what you would have seen in Sports Illustrated or on TV. They were pretty much given all access passes and so in each venue, someone was responsible to play chaperone. On most nights in our venue, that task fell to me. It was really fun at the time to show them around and watch them shoot but even more fun to see what the Games looked like to them when I saw their work afterwards. I remember one of them being a touch irritated when I told her that no, I couldn't let her stand on the ice during the Short Track start. Seeing later what she did just standing against the boards, I almost wish we could have let her. I guess part of me thought that in sport photography, you just clicked the camera a bunch of times and something cool was bound to show up. There is definitely a difference however in just pointing a camera at something awesome, and being able to interpret that thing through your lens. Their work ended up in a stunning book that anyone who likes sports, the Olympics, or photography would love.

Anyway, I was thinking about this today because I went to an event sponsored by one of the other brands in my company. It was a street ball game and I took advantage of some unfettered access of my own and played "sport photographer" for the day.

I only had my little point and shoot digital camera and I don't have my sister's natural eye but holy eff I had fun. Here are some of my favorites from the day.















(he got up a few seconds later and walked off just fine)

Good times.

Je t'aime

I love the French. And the Conchords.

A lesson

My mother always told us that music sounds much better the louder it gets.

I think that goes double for songs you listen to at full blast in the car.

My company moved offices in January and it added about 15 minutes to my morning commute and almost a full half hour on the way home. I try not to complain to much because every day I drive through Laguna Canyon and then along PCH. It would be tough to find a prettier place to spend 45 minutes. Especially around 6:00 when the light gets really warm and the ocean looks pretty spectacular. There is this point right after Laguna Beach where you come around the curve in the road and you are at the top of the cliffs by Crystal Cove and it knocks the wind out of me every time.

Still, a commute is a commute and it can be boring and after a long crazy day at work I usually would rather just BE HOME. So I try to make that curve at Crystal Cove into a dramatic moment every day. And that usually involves some sort of music.

Lately it's been this song by The Commodores.

The first three minutes are all sad and smooth-perfect for having your windows down and watching the sun set. But then go ahead to about 2:58, and it REALLY comes alive. You've got this awesome swell and horns coming out of nowhere and then at 3:39, all hell sort of breaks loose. If I can time it just right, and come around the curve right around that moment, I've got the waves rolling in to my left, the sun slipping out of the sky in front of me, hair blowing in the breeze and me singing my guts out at the top of my lungs. It's pretty much enough to get rid of whatever lingering work stuff is in my brain. It'll come back as I'm falling asleep don't you worry, but if I have to be in my car anyway, I might as well enjoy it right?

Near Miss

I almost quit my job on the spot during a meeting yesterday. I had to make myself count to ten and walk my brain through the havoc it would wreak in my life if I really did it. I'm working on patience right now but it's a really really hard thing to learn.

More on this later.

Surfer Girl

This post has a soundtrack.

As it turns out, I really, really like surfing. After last week's successful lesson, my friend Katie suggested we get a group together to go down to San Onofre and spend the whole morning in the water. She said the beaches there were beautiful and the waves were a little more manageable for beginners.

So totally against my nature, I got up at 5:30 on Saturday morning to meet up with the girls. We met a few guys down at the beach but for the most part, this was a girl power outing.

We loaded up the trucks with all the gear and headed about an hour South.

San Onofre is the only beach left in Southern California where you still park right on the sand. When we pulled up I sort of felt like we'd landed on the set of Gidget.

Surfboards look awesome even when they are just laying there.

And frankly, so do people in wetsuits. You know something really fun is probably going to happen.

So we got out into the water and there were surfers EVERYWHERE. Which I'm sure once you are a really good surfer is kind of annoying...but when you are brand new? It's actually pretty fun. Which leads me to a short list of reasons I can't wait to do this more:

1. I LOVE being out in the water. Even just sitting on the board, watching the waves and waiting for a good one, is me getting to interact with the ocean. As much as I love sitting on the beach, I love being in it more.

2. Catching a wave is a huge rush. I only got up a few times but the waves were pretty slow and rolling so I came close a lot as well. I can't really describe it but maybe something about having to wait and be patient for a good one to come along makes it all the more exhilarating when you catch one.

3. I really enjoyed all the chatter in the water. People were pretty friendly and super encouraging to the newbie. And quite frankly, even though there were plenty of girls in the water, this is still a male dominated sport and I am never going to complain THAT.

You can't really tell unless you know where to look but this is me in the water. I'm in the middle, my board is pink.

These are two of the other beginners, Kellie and Kristen. We all managed to stand up at some point. Probably because Katie is a really good teacher.
I'll confess that part of the reason I had so much fun was that I knew we got to use the outdoor shower afterwards to rinse off. I am slightly obessed with these. And the fact that this one looks like a jungle shower made it even better.
Then we went to Pedro's for lunch. Trust me, you don't ever want to go to San Onofre and NOT go to Pedro's. Carne Asade to die for.
And here we all are, still smiling after four straight hours of surfing.
I am going to have to overcome my deep aversion to getting up early because this is ridiculously fun.

TGIF

I'm finally getting out from underneath a little cloud that's been hanging around for a few weeks and life is feeling more like this.

Whoever said time heals all wounds was right I suppose. I hope you all have superfun weekends planned, I know I do.

The Work Crush

At this point in my life, I'm pretty much done with crushes. Secretly fantasizing about a boy who is never going to be into you has lost a lot of it's luster over the years. It's just not that fun to invest any kind of time or emotion in a hopeless case.

However.

One crush that is still alive and well and extremely fun is the Office Crush. Now I'm not talking The Office crush a la Jim and Pam. That relationship has moved far, far beyond the realm of what I'm referring to. I mean a guy in your office who is probably not the kind of guy you like in real life, but since you see him every day, usually dressed up and often being terribly adult and responsible, he can seem pretty dreamy. And you never have to know if his room is messy or if he's rude to waitresses.

I bring this up because for years and years I worked from home and then in an all female office and I had zero options for a work crush. Then six months ago a couple of guys got transferred from another office and lucky me, they are both adorable. One of them also happens to have quite possibly the sexiest voice I've ever heard. He's cute as well but seriously people, the voice is unreal. So he sits in the cube next to me and we have a big wall between us so I can't see him. But I can hear him on the phone all day. It's like I am in sixth grade I get so distracted listening to him talk.

Now the minute I walk out the front door of my office I forget all about him. But from 9-5 he serves several very important functions. It's a well known fact that girls dress for themselves and for each other, not for boys, but having a cute one around certainly gives me incentive to put a little more effort into my morning routine. Because we don't work on the same projects and really aren't each other's type, we can flirt like crazy knowing that we are totally safe. He also makes lunch hour about 10 times more fun. My first professional experience was a place where everyone was cool and fun and my age and some of my favorite memories of that job were lunches. This will come as no surprise to you people but I'm a wee bit social. So getting away from the office for an hour to gossip and laugh is pretty much heaven (I do have to give credit here though to my friends over at Fluor who regularly provide mid-day distraction as well). If the person across the table also happens to inspire a few butterflies, so much the better.

So unless you are Jim and Pam, and I do have a certain amount of sympathy for THAT situation, the work crush is pretty much foolproof. You know nothing will come of it and your hours of investment are limited but it can also be a fun distraction when things aren't exactly hopping in your real life. The little adrenaline rush you get when he flirts with you is 100% authentic. A cute boy is a cute boy is a cute boy right?

Boo!

I do not like it when one of my siblings and his fiance come to visit and they don't stay very long and then they leave me.

Here is a song I like to listen to when all I want to do is lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling and make unrealistic life plans in the dark.

Cat Power

I bought this CD at the Hear Music on the 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica when I first moved to LA five years ago. I was in there so much that summer that one of the guys who worked there actually had a nickname for me. Feels like everything and nothing has happened since then.

Taco Tuesday

You know my rule. You make a goofy face on my camera, it ends up on the blog.
This one is engaged.

But ladies, this one is single.

Networking

Dear Blogosphere-

I like to keep my work life fairly anonymous around here but I have a little project that I could use your help on.

I'm managing a guerilla marketing event in several cities across the country this fall. I need to find two cute, athletic women in Pittsburgh, Denver, San Francisco and Austin who would like to spend a morning handing out "free shoe" coupons at popular running paths in said city. I will outfit these ladies head to to and provide a little financial incentive as well.

If you, dear blog reader, are or know of such a female, please email me at katieclifford at gmail dot com.

I'm going to pull this post at the end of the week so if you can help me out-act fast!

thanks!

and for the rest of you... here's an old gem of a song I ran across last night. Who doesn't love a super dramatic breakup song? "I spent 16 months! Trying to forget you!"

Talkie Walkie

So I don't see Blue Crush 2 being filmed in my neighborhood anytime soon but I have to say, I think I could really like this surfing thing. I got pretty tossed around and even lightly tapped on the nose by my board but we already have plans for another lesson this weekend.

In other news...a month ago I signed up for a "swap" on one of the blogs I frequent. The theme was "My Favorite Things" and you had to send your partner at least three things you love. I had so much fun putting together my package to send to Sara in Washington I sent her the Camelback water bottle I can't live without, a headband because I love putting my hair back these days, letterpress paper, a CD (of course), the new Cliff Nectar bars that have great packaging and are also delicious and some accessories from H&M. I was delighted to read that everything arrived safely and that she liked it!

My package came last week from Casey as well and it was cute as can be too. I got an apron that actually made me squeal it's so cute, a fun head scarf, the best smelling candle that I've already been burning constantly and some great magazines I'm tearing apart for my inspiration book.



Just another reason that yes, I love the www. SO much.

H20

Despite the fact that I work in the Sporting Goods industry and often talk about running here on Replikate I am by no means an athlete. I am a slow runner, very uncoordinated when it comes to team sports and notoriously impatient with myself when I try to learn something new.

That said, my mother had us in the swimming pool from the time I was tiny and it's still a place where I feel relatively comfortable. I do not have a typical swimmers build and was probably too small to have been much of a threat but my one high school regret is that I never tried out for the swim team. My mom swam in high school and my youngest brother ended up being a pretty awesome little backstroker and water polo player so it's definitely in our genes somewhere.

So the other night Corey-who swam for Boston University and is thus, clearly quite hyrdrotalented-and I went to a local pool and she coached me a little bit on my stroke and taught me how to do a proper flip-turn. For a girl who thought she was a decent swimmer I ended up swallowing an obscene amount of water and even today my arms are really sore from swimming the RIGHT way. But it felt really, really good. I have been thinking for awhile that my knees and my back really need me to find a suitable alternative to pounding the pavement everyday and I'm pretty sure this is it. Swimming is definitely a bigger production than just putting on shoes and going out the front door but I practically have to force myself to get out of the pool, an issue I rarely have when I run. As much as I enjoy it, I'm always ready for it to be over.

And thus,in keeping with my thoughts from yesterday, and because of my renewed interest in all things aquatic, I'm making my third attempt at surfing tomorrow. The last two times I have had fun but gotten so tossed around that I haven't been particularly anxious to get back in the water. However, this time my friend Katie-who is a high school P.E. teacher AND a surf instructor-is going to go out with a small group of female novices which I think is a recipe for success. My feeling is that living where I do and not at least attempting to learn to surf is like living on a mountain and never putting on skis. It feels like I owe it to all the inland dwelling surfers out there to take advantage of my proximity.

Anyway, I'm glad it Friday...here for your weekend viewing pleasure is one of the many reasons I'm glad we have YouTube.

Timelines

I have been thinking quite a bit about the order of things lately.

Two inspirations for this train of thought 1) I might be tired of living with other people and 2) real estate in the area in which I live is obscene.

I like my roommates. I have been picky over the years and have managed to live in clean, drama-free environments with women who have busy separate lives and can co-exist peacefully. But my general concern is that perhaps I am getting too old to still be living like a college student. Maybe it's time to be a real adult, suck it up and buy something where I get to decide what goes on the walls.

So that brings me to the next point which is, I live in a place where a one-bedroom apartment can set you back $340K. For $400K in Utah, you could live here. The entire Orange County apartment could probably fit in that bathroom and your two kids and dog would have to sleep out in the courtyard.

But I don't have two kids or a dog. And every Saturday this summer I have gotten on my bike, ridden four blocks, and spent the afternoon parked on the beach. Every morning when I walk outside and it's warm and sunny and I drive down a palm-tree lined street to Pacific Coast highway, my heart skips a slight beat that I actually get to live here. I am 30 years old. If I live to be 80, I still have 50 years of potential home-ownership years to look foward to. I still have 50 years of potential marital bliss and 50 potential years of being someone's mother. Realistically I probably only have a few more years of ocean breezes lulling me to sleep, a closet full of cute shoes and a schedule over which I have complete control. So why can't I shake that feeling that I am behind? And how come sometimes I feel behind because I don't have four kids and a mortgage, and sometimes I feel behind because I still haven't been to Spain and have yet to actually do anything with my writing? Does anyone else think it must be absolutely exhausting to be inside my brain?

This will be the second time I bring up this book in as many weeks, which should probably signal that you ought to read it, but I just got to the chapter in Crossing to Safety where the Langs and the Morgans spend a year on sabbatical in Italy. They are all in their forties at this point and the kids are mostly grown and out of the house. For the Morgans, it's their first time out of the country and they are understandably giddy about the upcoming experience. The main character says "..at past forty,with a daughter starting college, we could begin". One of my major regrets from college is that I never figured out how to do a sememster abroad. At the time it just felt like that could slow down graduation, or that it would be too expensive. I'm not sure why I was so hell-bent on getting out in four years and after a long period of regular paychecks, I realize that a quarter in Prague would have been a debt fairly easily repaid and worth every penny. So that's an adventure I've thought I missed out on, something that made me feel behind. I read that passage in the book and it occured to me that my arbitrary timelines were telling me that only a person between the ages of 18-21 is allowed that kind of experience and that if I didn't do it then, time's up.

So when is time up? Outside of obvious biological limitations on things like childbirth and Olympic medal winning, I submit that time doesn't run out until you do. If you are 60 when you run your first marathon that doesn't put you "behind" someone who did it at 20. I've mentioned this before but Julia Child, who built a cooking empire and whose kitchen is on display in the Smithsonian Museum, didn't even go to culinary school until she was 36. 36! And without her it's doubtful we would ever have The Naked Chef OR Rachel Ray (ok, not the greatest example but you see where I am going right?)

I see two dangers in limiting ourselves to timelines and worrying too much about order. One is that you resign yourself to things you might not want or really be ready for. Maybe you get married to a person you've been dating for awhile because it seems like the next logical step. Maybe you stay in a job you hate because you are too old to start over in a new industry. Maybe you don't go back to school because you don't want to be the "non-trad" in the program. And two, I think you can undervalue what you have accomplished thus far when you are too freaked out about what you haven't done. If I really do feel a genuine sense of happiness everytime I step out my front door, then why on earth would I give that up just because it seems like I ought to own something by this point of my life. If I am really honest with myself, I wouldn't rather have a bedroom set and a nice couch over say, two years of struggle and growth in Boston.

And really, the time I feel the most behind or time line obsessed is when I get caught up comparing my life to other people's, a practice which someday I hope to grow out of entirely. It is so easy in this age of easy easy access to other people's worlds to feel 100% inadequate. It does not matter that most of us only let you see the really fantastic parts (like a week ago I was chatting up a celebrity in Manhattan and today I'm doing a task so dreadfully boring I've written almost a whole blog post on my breaks from the monotony but you don't see entries about THAT!), your smiling baby and cute husband, your endless weekend getaways to somewhere fabulous, your good taste, your amazing talents so often get held up against my insecurities and weaknesses. Don't get me wrong, I want all of those wonderful things for all the people around me, I just don't want YOUR life paths to make me worry about my own. And that's no one's responsiblity but mine.

So, this random thursday in August, I am giving all of us permission to put aside silly timelines and stop being slaves to order. If all of our lives were exactly the same, what on earth would I read to keep myself from doing any work?

Dancing in the Moonlight

There are at least 159,234 things I like about living where I do. And one of them is that at 8:30 on a monday night when I am finally done with being burned out, light-headed, congested and tired and thus can get in a decent run, I can run across the sand, strip off most of my clothes and dive headfirst into the waves. My expert opinion as a beach dweller is that the ocean feels 100% more awesome by moonlight than it does at high noon. Totally worth running home in squishy shoes and sopping wet clothes.

And with that, here are some things that were on my playlist tonight. It's not particularly great running music but sometimes my thoughts need the workout more than I do.

big girls don't cry
Yes, I confess, I have a toe on the Fergie bandwagon. I only like two of her songs, and they happen to be the two that feel sort of sincere and real. "Myself and I, we got some straightening out to do." I discovered today that my friend Greg went to high school with Ms. Fergie and he informed me that she was very cute back then but wore too much makeup. Anyway. Fergie. It's time to be a big girl now I guess.

maggie
My friend Lance was playing this in his car last August when we were exploring the coast of San Francisco. That trip was really fun and this song is really sad so I'm not sure why it seems to be the stand out track from the week. There are alot of things about last summer that I miss and this makes them feel closer.

have a little faith in me
I love this song. It's been covered quite a bit but this version is still my favorite. I'm working on faith in a whole bunch of things right now.

this time of year
So when I lived in Boston there was a little group of us who were completely addicted to late night skinny dipping in Walden Pond. It was the perfect combination of sneaky, slightly naughty, and stunningly beautiful that felt exactly like a thing we should be doing on warm summer nights. Sometimes Andy would make us a soundtrack for the drive and once he put this song on it. I hadn't heard it since my sophomore year of college when I listened to Lisa's Better Than Ezra CD constantly for the two weeks before and the two weeks after I got my heart good and crushed for the first real time (by a boy from Boston oddly enough.) I was pleasantly surprised that I still really like this song.

good good end
My mother has recently been converted to the joys of blog stalking. She has found a girl who reminds her of me a little bit and so she's been forwarding me some of her posts. I've explored beyond what my mother sends and I have found her to be a complete delight. She posted the lyrics to this song by a Christian group called Waterdeep and I teared up immediately. "I'm amazed my life, it's amazed by me. We're a strange old pair me and eternity. It don't make good sense, it ain't easy to see". Amen.

bittersweet
This is just an old favorite. I don't know if it's a relief or a burden when you realize and accept that so many things in life come in a bittersweet package. "more sweet than bitter, bitter than sweet."

time after time
If Cindy Lauper didn't write one other good song in her entire career, she should get in the Hall of Fame for this one alone. It's been covered by dozens and dozens of artists and somehow manages to feel fresh and new every single time I hear it. This is a version my brother Sterling brought home years ago by a husband and wife jazz duo called Tuck and Patti. Sometimes I can't figure out if I think this song is incredibly romantic or incredibly depressing. Is she a sweet devoted lover being patient with someone who is struggling to catch up or is she just a huge sucker who is totally getting played by a guy who will never get there? Either way it's a great song. And a quick check of the internet confirms that Tuck and Patti are STILL MARRIED. And have been for 25 years. So I can love this version sweetly with no bitter.

I predict a good night's sleep tonight.

Back to the Beach

I'm going to have to continue being a bit cryptic about my big work project but here's what I CAN say...we are trying to sign a pretty major A-list celebrity to represent our brand next year. So the last week I was furiously putting together a presentation while also juggling a weekend 10K event in San Diego and a trade show in Las Vegas. Wednesday our team flew to New York City where I spent about 24 hours alternating between being really exciting about meeting with her and feeling totally sick about it. We went to breakfast on Thursday and went through our presentation for the millionth time and when it got to my turn, I blanked. I had been rehearsing on the plane, in the shower, while I was falling asleep, in my head while I was pretending to listen to everyone else and there I sat with a completely empty brain. I had visions of being in the meeting, in front of the celeb, her agents, our agents, my boss, the CEO and the CMO and not having a single thing to say.

So we get to the agency and the rush to set up actually sort of calmed me down. And then she arrived, and she was nice and friendly and set everyone at ease. Which then allowed us to COMPLETELY ROCK THE MEETING. I don't want to sound too cocky but we were pretty awesome. And when she and I ran into each other in the bathroom afterwards she said it was one of the best presentations she'd ever heard.

I almost don't care what happens from here. This was one of those experiences where not only did I want to do my best, but I wanted my best to be really, really good. I wanted to prove to myself and all the company big wigs that I belong here. That I'm a valuable employee. If my career is going to be the main thing in my life then I need it to be something I feel really confident about. I haven't been so sure lately so this was a nice reminder that maybe I AM doing at least one thing right.

Come Pick Me Up

Last night a bunch of people I love went to see Ryan Adams at Red Butte Gardens in Salt Lake.


If you asked me to describe an ideal summer night, it very might well be those folks, at that place, listening to that guy. I was planning to be there but work was too crazy. My friend Sara is getting married tomorrow in HB. The reception will be fun and full of lots of people I love and don't get to see. But I'm in New York, totally freaking out over a big big meeting tomorrow so I will miss it.

I hope that if I am ever at home with a few screaming children and my signifigant other has to miss some important thing because of his job, I will remember that sometimes what you really want to be doing and what you really have to be doing are at odds and there is legitimately nothing you can do about it. Your priorities can be in exactly the right place and you still have to make a crappy choice that makes them look out of whack. I hope I remember the way I feel right now-it is a pretty cool day for my career tomorrow and I'm so excited and nervous but I do wish it didn't mean missing important personal experiences. I hope I don't forget that while my job is fun and rewarding, I still like my real life better. But that sometimes I do like to disappear into it if things are tough personally.

I hope I remember all of it because I know if someone were to question me this week about what is really important to me, I might just start to cry.