Beauty Spot

Four years ago today, I was newly moved to Boston and on a work trip to San Francisco. Through absolutely NO weaseling on my part, the trip happened to coincide with the birthday of a young gentleman living in that city that I was fond of at the time AND a Low concert. So that night, with about 14 of our friends, we held hands and swayed and listened to some of the quietest music known to indie man. The boy is long gone but one of my trusty social networking sites reminded me today that it was birthday so I couldn't help taking a step or two down memory lane. It was one of those nights that still glows when I think about it. Perfect in every way.

Here are some things that are perfect in every way as well.

Kate Nash singing a song that is so pretty and so tender but also pretty depressing. So of course I am obsessed with it.


And a cover of a Van Morrison song by that guy from the movie Once (he's also the lead singer of The Frames), a little film that is also so pretty and so tender but also a little bittersweet. After careful review, I think I like this cover even better than the original. Sorry Van.
Hungry For Your Love

Good Winter

Lest you think all I've been doing is crying for the last two weeks...I did get my first taste of Garage Band last night after a delicious dinner, cooked by men no less, bought some lovely new shoes for way way less than they should have cost, gone for a few beautiful runs through the city, had a fun evening in Providence with two dear friends, and caught up with a bunch of familiar faces at church yesterday. One things I will say for myself is that even when I am suffering from paralyzing amounts of self-inflicted fear, the crazy sticks mainly inside my head and I still manage to function quite normally.

So in honor of my new and frigid home,here is a song that has spent an inordinate amount of time on my iPod this week. The artist goes by the name Bon Iver which is a play on the french word for winter. I may put these lyrics on a notecard for frequent reference..

I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind.

Dirty Water

One week in Boston down, is it okay if I say 103 weeks to go?

I've been trying to write a post all week that doesn't come off like the whiney spoiled brat I think I am being right now but I've finally decided that it would be very insincere. And although I don't always give you all brilliance or insight, I do try to bring you sincerity. So here goes...

I love my job. I work in a big cool building on the waterfront that is full of beautiful design space and fabulous views. I belong to a team of people who are smart and creative and strategic. Our little brand has an inordinate amount of potential and the full support of an innovative parent company. The first day I felt completely overwhelmed but by Friday, I know this place is going to be a great home.

But then I have to leave and go to my actual home. And home is not my sleepy little beach town anymore. Home is not taco tuesday and lazy runs down by the water. Home is scarves and deadbolts and crowded subways and eight inches of snow. It reminds me of this dream I have sometimes where I somehow decide to be a full-time missionary again. Even though a mission was exactly the right experience for me and I wouldn't trade having gone for anything in the world, when I find myself out there again I have a complete panic attack until I wake myself up. That's how I feel right now in Boston. I went to church today and it actually started to unnerve me by the time the sixth or seventh person said, "wow, I am stunned to see YOU back here." Well that makes eight of us pal.

I've been having this debate with myself for about a year now-if forced to choose, would I rather be blissful at work or blissful at home? I realize that the real answer is duh, both. But for quite sometime I was not happy at work and it was affecting my ability to enjoy my real life. I guess we'll see if loving my job is something that can carry me through until home really feels like home.

Let me be clear. I can pinpoint the very moment when I knew something major had to change in my life and as a friend pointed out, it was not very long ago. I know that I am extremely lucky to have gotten the job I did, as quickly as I did, with very little effort on my part. Even my interview process, which was certainly nerve-wracking, was relatively smooth compared to my normally high strung standards. So I know I'm in the right place. I know I'm going to get over all my nerves. I know it's not fair to this experience to hold it hostage to my disappointments from the last time around. But change is not easy-even good, positive changes. When I moved back to California last time, I moved right back into a comfort zone. A comfort zone where I was extremely happy and had lots and lots of fun and was definitely the place for me to be for the last few years. But it was time to make some progress and I can already see a million little things I have learned in this process.

So yes, I am homesick. I'm only going to feel a little bit bad about that. Not being homesick would mean I wasn't very invested in my last life and I was. I'll let myself feel this for a little while and try not to be too embarrassed about it.

TAGGED!

I am really bad at following through when I get blog tagged but I need a good reason to stop writing posts about how freaked out I am about my crazy new life. So here we go:

10 yrs ago:
I was getting ready to graduate from college. If the journals I ran across while packing last weekend are accurate, I was freaking out about what to do with myself. I was also working on turning in my mission papers. And I'm sure I was in the throes of some pointless crush on an uninterested boy.

5 Things on my to do list Today:
take a shower, catch up on emails, call my sister, repack my stuff, go to bed on time.

Things I would do if I suddenly was a Billionaire:
buy a house for everyone in my family.

3 of my bad habits:
I drink too much Diet Coke, I stay up WAY too late,

Places I have lived:
Salt Lake City, UT; Cedar City UT; Geneva Switzerland; Huntington Beach, CA; Boston, MA

Jobs I have had:
Nanny, bookstore cashier, video store drone, dollar bill folder, sport coordinator, marketing manager

Things most people don't know about me:
I have a weird obsession with Julia Child, my second to is longer than my first (sign of royalty!), if I see the first minutes of Law and Order:SVU, I have to watch it. Have to. In fact, I'm watching my second episode tonight right now.

Touchdown

While I have an overwhelming list of pros about this big move, the one little con is that I really, really don't want to move back to Boston. I was ready for a geographic change and I'm excited beyond reason about the job, but I haven't been able to shake the dread at going back to city I just wasn't sad to leave the last time around. I got on that plane two years ago without shedding a single tear so my stomach has been in knots about returning. It is ever a good idea to go back to someone who kicked you around last time? Could this place be different a second time around?

I know the people around me last week were probably sick of me acting like a scared child about this whole AMAZING opportunity and that's probably why I managed to climb on that airplane yesterday. We landed and I cried. The friend who picked me up asked me if I was glad to be back and I didn't know how to answer.

Then.

I got to the temporary corporate housing I'll be calling home for a bit right down in the heart of the city. I unpacked a little and then I headed out to find something to eat. It was cold enough but not obscenely so and there were people everywhere. The shops were full, the restaurants were crowded. I walked all over the place, stopped in enough shoe and clothing stores to remind myself that I am not stuck in down coats and boots for the rest of forever and ended up eating delicious pumpkin ravioli in a bustling little cafe/bookstore on Newbury Street. There is an energy to this city that somehow slipped my mind. Or that I didn't really take advantage of the last time I was here...that might be the true issue here. I have this uneasy feeling that I kept Boston at arms length last time. I was pretty busy hating my job, living in the suburbs and being sad about dumb boys to have put much effort into making this my home. So I made a decision last night at the Shaw's market near my hotel that I live here now. I am committed to this place. I will let myself put down a root or two. Stay tuned.

On The Way Up

After my job at the Olympics ended a few years ago, and before I had found a new one, I was housesitting for a week for some friends up in the Avenues in Salt Lake. I was sort of freaked out that I had zero idea what I wanted to do with life so everyday when I went out for a run I would listen to "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World over and over, paying particular attention to the lines

"It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine "

So yesterday morning, as I set out to go running in the Avenues from my sister's house on E Street, I had to laugh at myself a little for all this worrying I've been doing the last few weeks. It's as if I completely forgot that six years ago I packed up my little car and headed to California with a new job and nowhere to live and everything everything indeed turned out just fine.

Welcome to the World!

If you are friends with me, chances are you are friends with another one of my siblings. We tend to come as a package deals.

In keeping with that pattern, I am telling you that my sister ems started a blog and I guarantee it's going to be awesome.

Finito

Yesterday was my last day at work.

It was weird. I had a whole bunch of "hand-off" conference calls, a few meetings and then all of the sudden it was 5:00 and it was time to hand over my computer and pick up my last check. I expected to feel an enormous sense of relief walking out the door but instead I left with a jumble of mixed emotions. I was up until almost 2 last night thinking thinking thinking. And woke up this morning worrying worrying worrying.

THEN. I did a bunch of errands, got my possessions sorted and ready for packing and headed out for a run. It's been cold and windy the last couple of weeks but today was sunny and warm so I went down to the beach. We have really low tide right now so I decided to run on the sand. It was about 5 in the afternoon, the sun was low, there were people all over-everything I love love love about this town. I started thinking about my new job and now I am excited about, and how much fun Boston is going to be and ended up with the best run I have had in months. Leaving on Tuesday is going to be really hard, but I'm finally relaxing into this whole experience. It feels really good.

Give in

Alright fine, I'm just going to let myself admit that I'm freaked out about this whole Boston business.

I know-moving to a cool new city to take a great new job really should not be this terrifying. Especially for a person who has not exactly been sitting around doing nothing. This is not my first big change, nor my first new job, and not even my first cross country move (third! it's my third!).

I haven't quit a job before though (my last job was with the Olympics-those just end!) and it's been five and a half years since I was the new girl. The last two times I started over it was only half way over. My job has made me crazy for most of the time I have been there, but it's a crazy that I understand. A crazy I've gotten really good at navigating. I like being really great at what I do and I have some pretty high expectations for myself at the new place. And um, I'm pretty sure they have some as well. I have moments of full scale panic about having accepted yet another job with tons of travel and that nagging fear that God is advancing my career because a family of my own is not in the cards for me.

However, being afraid-and being open about being afraid-sure brings the kindness of friends out of the woodwork. I have gotten so many sweet emails and phone calls from folks who just want to offer nice bits of advice. The theme seems to be that it's OK to be scared. It's not OK to let fear keep you from doing something you know is right for you. So that's what I am trying to do-I'm letting myself be scared. It doesn't make me weak if I'm nervous about the unknown as long as I keep walking towards it.

Harvest Moon

I love the last quiet hour of the day. Even when I get home very late, I still have to take about an hour to wind down. Whether it be blogging, journaling, or reading in my bed, it's so delicious to have this time to myself before I fall asleep.

I was cleaning music off my work computer today and I found this song that somehow slipped by. It sounds like the last hour of my day feels.

Come in the Harvest

Karma

I remember lying in bed one night in college, after I had finally stopped hating every second of it and was actually enjoying myself, "well now I know how to make a big move and get through it, it will never be hard again. I totally have this mastered."

The moral of this story is that you think lots of really stupid things when you are 18.

Crazy Town

I must be out of my mind to leave this.

Tears in Heaven

So here is the official tear count for Sunday, January 27, 2008.

Cried on the phone to my sister Emily as I confessed that what follows the job quitting elation is the terrifying reality that every single part of my life is about to change.

Made a comment in a class at church and couldn't hold it together because the lesson addressed exactly what I am feeling right now.

Sobbed through the last 30 minutes of Steel Magnolias.

Watched Oprah's interview with Daniel Day Lewis and started to cry when he spoke about Heath Ledger's death and got choked up himself.

Went over to see Corey's new house and got in a conversation about moving which set me off again.

Then we got word that the President of the LDS church, Gordon B. Hinckley, died tonight. Even though he was 97, sick and his sweet wife died several years ago, it is a big loss for my church. He's been the leader my entire adult life and so I definitely got emotional at the news.

Conversations with both of my parents about his death and their questions about the move triggered what I think were the last tears of the night-barring some tragic event in the next 90 minutes.

I think anyone who knows me would say that I am generally a fairly positive, optimistic person. So it's perplexing to me why I get almost paralyzed with fear when it comes to big events in my life. I begged my mother to come and get me from college for almost the entire first quarter. The week before I started my first job I would stare at the ceiling every night and imagine all the ways in which I was sure to disappoint my future employer. This morning I kept pushing snooze because waking up meant allowing a steady stream of worries to start marching through my brain.

So back to that lesson at church. I had a teacher at the Missionary Training Center, where I spent 10 weeks studying before heading off to Switzerland, who drilled the phrase "where there is fear there is not faith" into our little brains. It's a principle that I know to be true but also one that I have struggled with most of my life. Claiming to have a relationship with God should probably mean that I trust in His ability to take care of me and to feel in peace in decisions I felt like He helped me make. Otherwise I am wasting a lot of time and emotion and obedience right? Faith isn't really faith if you demand to see exactly how it's all going to work out. Our lesson today addressed this issue of Fear VS Faith and as soon as I raised my hand to make a comment, I realized exactly how much I was letting my worries and concerns overshadow what is one of the best opportunities of my young career. Leaving a place I love, and people I love, for a lot of unknowns in a place I couldn't wait to leave the last time around is-and probably should be-scary. But I have yet to regret following through with something I feared. Maybe that's how you know you are brave-you keep doing the things even though they scare you to death.

I haven't quite been able to shut off all the ridiculous thoughts pinging around my brain right now but I'm aware that they are indeed ridiculous and I'm not going to let them talk me out of something that I really am so excited about. Besides, I really don't think my tear ducts can handle another day like this one.

Ta-dah!

Anyone who has been around me much in the last couple of months can probably tell you that I've been acting a little bit squirrely. I don't do well keeping giant secrets and it seems like I've been bursting with them lately.

A few months ago I was feeling antsy about a myriad of things in my life-wondering if I was in the right job, if I should start thinking about buying a house, if I'm being lazy socially. I suppose it's general stuff that everyone goes through but in the years since I graduated from college I've been able to do a lot of interesting things and always felt like I was progressing. Feeling stuck is unfamiliar and very, very uncomfortable. So when a call came out of nowhere for a job opportunity in a place I had never planned to go again, it seemed like a bad idea to tell the universe I wasn't interested.

Four nerve-racking interviews and two months later I'm headed back to my old Boston stomping grounds to manage marketing for a little fashion sneaker and apparel brand.

I was driving home along PCH last night, buzzing with excitement about the job and the move but also feeling very mixed about leaving this place that I love. If my life had a theme over the last few years it would probably be "do over". I got a chance to come back to California and do it better than I did the first and I'm getting that same opportunity with Boston. I kicked and screamed the whole way last time and never fully allowed myself to settle in like I probably should have.

So that's my news. I'll be busy the next few weeks trying to wrap up my life here and get the new one started but you know I won't be able to stay away from THIS little corner of my world...

Secrets and l-i-e-s

I have a secret. A really good one.












I'll tell you later.

Overload

I spent some wee hours this weekend in a dowloading frenzy and I found three things I'm excited about.

Old New Bicycle by Helvetia

Your Reverie by Kelley Stolz

Frankie's Gun by The Felice Brothers

And then this is a live version of Sunday Bloody Sunday with a little snippet of Get Up Stand Up in the middle. Sometimes I don't know if I actually like U2 or I just like the fact that I have a dozen memories associated with every single one of their songs. I guess it doesn't matter does it?
Sunday Bloody Sunday

Fight

My friends are on their way to see Rogue Wave right now and I really should have gone with them. But I have early morning meetings so I'm choosing getting bed at a reasonable hour over a super awesome show. I know I will come to regret this decision.


So I'll just listen to this over and over to make myself feel better. Although, not a great song for feeling better.
Desperate

Finally

This song wins track of the week for these lines alone:

I’ll understand if your heart has been won
But I’d still like to know
If I’m still in the game

Show Me Yourself

Credit to Corey for passing this one along.

Is it just me or was this week about a hundred years long?

Moving on Up

Exciting news at work!

I don't really want her name, my name and the company name appearing here on the blog but this project has been the main focus on my life for the last six months so I am too excited not to say something!!!

Medley

I wanted to write a post about my baby brother's wedding but my dad wrote this which is way better than the "OMG IT WAS SO FUN!! LOL!" post I was writing.

I went to see Kate Nash at The Troubadour last night and she was a delight. This song is a pretty dead on description of how successful my crushes usually are. At least I'm not alone right?

My sister's birthday is coming up and I'm thinking of getting her a gift certificate to some classes here. Pretty sure her future husband will thank me.

It's over a year old and I am still not tired of this song.

My company is making a big announcement tomorrow about that big star I met with all those months ago. My head might explode from excitement.

And lastly, it's about 70 degrees right now in Southern California. Why on earth do people live anywhere else?