Lest you get the idea that my life is all fun job/jetsetting vacations/cute dresses let's just be honest that no matter how much fun I am having, the state of my love life will always keep me from drifting into "OMG MY LIFE IS SO PERFECT AREN'T YOU SO JEALOUS" seriously so blessed territory.
I'm nursing a bit of a bruised heart in the wake of a couple of disappointing events in that department. One actually happened a few months ago and was pretty much just a final nail in a coffin I have been too stubborn to close far beyond when it was useful or healthy. I was able to gloss over it at the time but a little distance and some of the emotion dropping out of it is giving me a chance to grieve a little and truly let go. The other is more recent and slightly more raw but I'm trying to let myself just feel what I feel and be able to really move on.
These kind of hurts always make me wonder though how to get through this stuff without putting up a thousand little traps for the next guy. When someone knocks through one of your carefully constructed walls, has a look around and then shrugs and leaves, how do you resist the temptation to build a stronger one?
I don't want to be 22 again where I got a crush on any boy with a nice smile who liked Dave Matthews. It makes sense that as you get older and more comfortable with yourself, you get a little more selective. And you are willing to wait for a deeper connection. I am happy to be in a place where I'm confident enough that when these situations come up I no longer wonder what is wrong with me. I'm mature enough to know that sometimes things just don't work out and it's not because I'm not pretty enough or fun enough. All of those things are comforting.
Still. There is a part of me that I have to fight that wants to declare boys a waste and just eat a whole bunch of ice cream. Instead I put myself on the treadmill and try to figure out ways to stay vulnerable when it seems safer to toughen up.
I know the smart thing to do is allow myself a little time to be sad, not to be too hard on my heart for having the audacity to actually feel something, and then smile brightly at the next boy who gets my pulse up a bit. And just have faith that there will indeed be a next boy and that the pulse won't be too worn out. And maybe it doesn't hurt to take extra pleasure in long phone calls from old roommates and thank you notes from happy athletes and good meetings with good bosses and to be grateful for a life that is far more blessed than cursed.
I got this song a few months ago but today it seemed particulary appropriate. I too tend to Love the Rain the Most...when it stops.