I must be out of my mind to leave this.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Tears in Heaven
So here is the official tear count for Sunday, January 27, 2008.
Cried on the phone to my sister Emily as I confessed that what follows the job quitting elation is the terrifying reality that every single part of my life is about to change.
Made a comment in a class at church and couldn't hold it together because the lesson addressed exactly what I am feeling right now.
Sobbed through the last 30 minutes of Steel Magnolias.
Watched Oprah's interview with Daniel Day Lewis and started to cry when he spoke about Heath Ledger's death and got choked up himself.
Went over to see Corey's new house and got in a conversation about moving which set me off again.
Then we got word that the President of the LDS church, Gordon B. Hinckley, died tonight. Even though he was 97, sick and his sweet wife died several years ago, it is a big loss for my church. He's been the leader my entire adult life and so I definitely got emotional at the news.
Conversations with both of my parents about his death and their questions about the move triggered what I think were the last tears of the night-barring some tragic event in the next 90 minutes.
I think anyone who knows me would say that I am generally a fairly positive, optimistic person. So it's perplexing to me why I get almost paralyzed with fear when it comes to big events in my life. I begged my mother to come and get me from college for almost the entire first quarter. The week before I started my first job I would stare at the ceiling every night and imagine all the ways in which I was sure to disappoint my future employer. This morning I kept pushing snooze because waking up meant allowing a steady stream of worries to start marching through my brain.
So back to that lesson at church. I had a teacher at the Missionary Training Center, where I spent 10 weeks studying before heading off to Switzerland, who drilled the phrase "where there is fear there is not faith" into our little brains. It's a principle that I know to be true but also one that I have struggled with most of my life. Claiming to have a relationship with God should probably mean that I trust in His ability to take care of me and to feel in peace in decisions I felt like He helped me make. Otherwise I am wasting a lot of time and emotion and obedience right? Faith isn't really faith if you demand to see exactly how it's all going to work out. Our lesson today addressed this issue of Fear VS Faith and as soon as I raised my hand to make a comment, I realized exactly how much I was letting my worries and concerns overshadow what is one of the best opportunities of my young career. Leaving a place I love, and people I love, for a lot of unknowns in a place I couldn't wait to leave the last time around is-and probably should be-scary. But I have yet to regret following through with something I feared. Maybe that's how you know you are brave-you keep doing the things even though they scare you to death.
I haven't quite been able to shut off all the ridiculous thoughts pinging around my brain right now but I'm aware that they are indeed ridiculous and I'm not going to let them talk me out of something that I really am so excited about. Besides, I really don't think my tear ducts can handle another day like this one.
Cried on the phone to my sister Emily as I confessed that what follows the job quitting elation is the terrifying reality that every single part of my life is about to change.
Made a comment in a class at church and couldn't hold it together because the lesson addressed exactly what I am feeling right now.
Sobbed through the last 30 minutes of Steel Magnolias.
Watched Oprah's interview with Daniel Day Lewis and started to cry when he spoke about Heath Ledger's death and got choked up himself.
Went over to see Corey's new house and got in a conversation about moving which set me off again.
Then we got word that the President of the LDS church, Gordon B. Hinckley, died tonight. Even though he was 97, sick and his sweet wife died several years ago, it is a big loss for my church. He's been the leader my entire adult life and so I definitely got emotional at the news.
Conversations with both of my parents about his death and their questions about the move triggered what I think were the last tears of the night-barring some tragic event in the next 90 minutes.
I think anyone who knows me would say that I am generally a fairly positive, optimistic person. So it's perplexing to me why I get almost paralyzed with fear when it comes to big events in my life. I begged my mother to come and get me from college for almost the entire first quarter. The week before I started my first job I would stare at the ceiling every night and imagine all the ways in which I was sure to disappoint my future employer. This morning I kept pushing snooze because waking up meant allowing a steady stream of worries to start marching through my brain.
So back to that lesson at church. I had a teacher at the Missionary Training Center, where I spent 10 weeks studying before heading off to Switzerland, who drilled the phrase "where there is fear there is not faith" into our little brains. It's a principle that I know to be true but also one that I have struggled with most of my life. Claiming to have a relationship with God should probably mean that I trust in His ability to take care of me and to feel in peace in decisions I felt like He helped me make. Otherwise I am wasting a lot of time and emotion and obedience right? Faith isn't really faith if you demand to see exactly how it's all going to work out. Our lesson today addressed this issue of Fear VS Faith and as soon as I raised my hand to make a comment, I realized exactly how much I was letting my worries and concerns overshadow what is one of the best opportunities of my young career. Leaving a place I love, and people I love, for a lot of unknowns in a place I couldn't wait to leave the last time around is-and probably should be-scary. But I have yet to regret following through with something I feared. Maybe that's how you know you are brave-you keep doing the things even though they scare you to death.
I haven't quite been able to shut off all the ridiculous thoughts pinging around my brain right now but I'm aware that they are indeed ridiculous and I'm not going to let them talk me out of something that I really am so excited about. Besides, I really don't think my tear ducts can handle another day like this one.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Ta-dah!
Anyone who has been around me much in the last couple of months can probably tell you that I've been acting a little bit squirrely. I don't do well keeping giant secrets and it seems like I've been bursting with them lately.
A few months ago I was feeling antsy about a myriad of things in my life-wondering if I was in the right job, if I should start thinking about buying a house, if I'm being lazy socially. I suppose it's general stuff that everyone goes through but in the years since I graduated from college I've been able to do a lot of interesting things and always felt like I was progressing. Feeling stuck is unfamiliar and very, very uncomfortable. So when a call came out of nowhere for a job opportunity in a place I had never planned to go again, it seemed like a bad idea to tell the universe I wasn't interested.
Four nerve-racking interviews and two months later I'm headed back to my old Boston stomping grounds to manage marketing for a little fashion sneaker and apparel brand.
I was driving home along PCH last night, buzzing with excitement about the job and the move but also feeling very mixed about leaving this place that I love. If my life had a theme over the last few years it would probably be "do over". I got a chance to come back to California and do it better than I did the first and I'm getting that same opportunity with Boston. I kicked and screamed the whole way last time and never fully allowed myself to settle in like I probably should have.
So that's my news. I'll be busy the next few weeks trying to wrap up my life here and get the new one started but you know I won't be able to stay away from THIS little corner of my world...
A few months ago I was feeling antsy about a myriad of things in my life-wondering if I was in the right job, if I should start thinking about buying a house, if I'm being lazy socially. I suppose it's general stuff that everyone goes through but in the years since I graduated from college I've been able to do a lot of interesting things and always felt like I was progressing. Feeling stuck is unfamiliar and very, very uncomfortable. So when a call came out of nowhere for a job opportunity in a place I had never planned to go again, it seemed like a bad idea to tell the universe I wasn't interested.
Four nerve-racking interviews and two months later I'm headed back to my old Boston stomping grounds to manage marketing for a little fashion sneaker and apparel brand.
I was driving home along PCH last night, buzzing with excitement about the job and the move but also feeling very mixed about leaving this place that I love. If my life had a theme over the last few years it would probably be "do over". I got a chance to come back to California and do it better than I did the first and I'm getting that same opportunity with Boston. I kicked and screamed the whole way last time and never fully allowed myself to settle in like I probably should have.
So that's my news. I'll be busy the next few weeks trying to wrap up my life here and get the new one started but you know I won't be able to stay away from THIS little corner of my world...
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
Overload
I spent some wee hours this weekend in a dowloading frenzy and I found three things I'm excited about.
Old New Bicycle by Helvetia
Your Reverie by Kelley Stolz
Frankie's Gun by The Felice Brothers
And then this is a live version of Sunday Bloody Sunday with a little snippet of Get Up Stand Up in the middle. Sometimes I don't know if I actually like U2 or I just like the fact that I have a dozen memories associated with every single one of their songs. I guess it doesn't matter does it?
Sunday Bloody Sunday
Old New Bicycle by Helvetia
Your Reverie by Kelley Stolz
Frankie's Gun by The Felice Brothers
And then this is a live version of Sunday Bloody Sunday with a little snippet of Get Up Stand Up in the middle. Sometimes I don't know if I actually like U2 or I just like the fact that I have a dozen memories associated with every single one of their songs. I guess it doesn't matter does it?
Sunday Bloody Sunday
Fight
My friends are on their way to see Rogue Wave right now and I really should have gone with them. But I have early morning meetings so I'm choosing getting bed at a reasonable hour over a super awesome show. I know I will come to regret this decision.
So I'll just listen to this over and over to make myself feel better. Although, not a great song for feeling better.
Desperate
So I'll just listen to this over and over to make myself feel better. Although, not a great song for feeling better.
Desperate
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Finally
This song wins track of the week for these lines alone:
I’ll understand if your heart has been won
But I’d still like to know
If I’m still in the game
Show Me Yourself
Credit to Corey for passing this one along.
Is it just me or was this week about a hundred years long?
I’ll understand if your heart has been won
But I’d still like to know
If I’m still in the game
Show Me Yourself
Credit to Corey for passing this one along.
Is it just me or was this week about a hundred years long?
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Moving on Up
Exciting news at work!
I don't really want her name, my name and the company name appearing here on the blog but this project has been the main focus on my life for the last six months so I am too excited not to say something!!!
I don't really want her name, my name and the company name appearing here on the blog but this project has been the main focus on my life for the last six months so I am too excited not to say something!!!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Medley
I wanted to write a post about my baby brother's wedding but my dad wrote this which is way better than the "OMG IT WAS SO FUN!! LOL!" post I was writing.
I went to see Kate Nash at The Troubadour last night and she was a delight. This song is a pretty dead on description of how successful my crushes usually are. At least I'm not alone right?
My sister's birthday is coming up and I'm thinking of getting her a gift certificate to some classes here. Pretty sure her future husband will thank me.
It's over a year old and I am still not tired of this song.
My company is making a big announcement tomorrow about that big star I met with all those months ago. My head might explode from excitement.
And lastly, it's about 70 degrees right now in Southern California. Why on earth do people live anywhere else?
I went to see Kate Nash at The Troubadour last night and she was a delight. This song is a pretty dead on description of how successful my crushes usually are. At least I'm not alone right?
My sister's birthday is coming up and I'm thinking of getting her a gift certificate to some classes here. Pretty sure her future husband will thank me.
It's over a year old and I am still not tired of this song.
My company is making a big announcement tomorrow about that big star I met with all those months ago. My head might explode from excitement.
And lastly, it's about 70 degrees right now in Southern California. Why on earth do people live anywhere else?
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Perspective
As much fun as it is to watch all the fantastic dresses walking the red carpet of the Golden Globes, I feel a certain amount of satisfaction that this year's press conference award show was representative of the relative unimportance of Hollywood award shows in the grand scheme of things.
I was up at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills this week for a meeting and happened to be waiting for my car alongside former America's Next Top Model judge Janice Dickinson. When it came, she walked around to the passenger side and was getting something out of her purse when a stray papparazo darted onto the driveway and tried to take a picture. Janice looked delighted but the entire doorman/valet force on duty lunged for the guy and started shouting "off the property line! off the property line!". One of them grabbed the camera and put his hand over the lens and the guy ran off. I noticed another one lurking around behind the bushes separating the hotel from the street, waiting for her to pull out. It's not like this was the first time it ever occurred to me that our preoccupation with celebrities is stupid but something about seeing that kind of ridiculous drama over someone getting into a car for crying out loud just made me feel extra creeped out. Isn't is sort of appalling that there is an entire-and incredibly lucrative-industry based completely on following people around and talking photos of every move they make? And it's even dumber that the people they are following around tend to be mostly narcissistic, spoiled, self-important wastes of our collective time and attention.
If you read this blog at all you know that I looooove the enterainment industry. But I would watch 30 Rock even if it never won an Emmy. I would buy CD's and go to movies even if I'd never seen a photo of Reese Witherspoon getting a latte. Can you imagine how absurd it would be if you suddenly started seeing tabloid photos of your dentist or the guy who changes your oil? If mmagazines started running articles about what your hairstylist thought about the war in Iraq? I'm really trying harder lately to keep my intake of celebrity gossip to snacks, not seven course meals. The only way they quit making it is if we stop paying for it right?
That said, I WAS thrilled to see Tina Fey win for being awesome at being a mess on 30 Rock. My heroine. But not the kind you inject.
I was up at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills this week for a meeting and happened to be waiting for my car alongside former America's Next Top Model judge Janice Dickinson. When it came, she walked around to the passenger side and was getting something out of her purse when a stray papparazo darted onto the driveway and tried to take a picture. Janice looked delighted but the entire doorman/valet force on duty lunged for the guy and started shouting "off the property line! off the property line!". One of them grabbed the camera and put his hand over the lens and the guy ran off. I noticed another one lurking around behind the bushes separating the hotel from the street, waiting for her to pull out. It's not like this was the first time it ever occurred to me that our preoccupation with celebrities is stupid but something about seeing that kind of ridiculous drama over someone getting into a car for crying out loud just made me feel extra creeped out. Isn't is sort of appalling that there is an entire-and incredibly lucrative-industry based completely on following people around and talking photos of every move they make? And it's even dumber that the people they are following around tend to be mostly narcissistic, spoiled, self-important wastes of our collective time and attention.
If you read this blog at all you know that I looooove the enterainment industry. But I would watch 30 Rock even if it never won an Emmy. I would buy CD's and go to movies even if I'd never seen a photo of Reese Witherspoon getting a latte. Can you imagine how absurd it would be if you suddenly started seeing tabloid photos of your dentist or the guy who changes your oil? If mmagazines started running articles about what your hairstylist thought about the war in Iraq? I'm really trying harder lately to keep my intake of celebrity gossip to snacks, not seven course meals. The only way they quit making it is if we stop paying for it right?
That said, I WAS thrilled to see Tina Fey win for being awesome at being a mess on 30 Rock. My heroine. But not the kind you inject.
Friday, January 11, 2008
High
It took me about four or five days at home to stop dreaming about work so I guess it's only fair that it's taken me a few days of work to stop thinking I'd much rather be sleeping in and playing with people in Utah. It was just painful to be in the office this week.
However, friday did indeed come and it's finally getting lighter in the evening so I don't feel so much like I'm driving home in the dead of night. I listened to NPR most of the way home because I have developed a raging addiction to any and all Election 08 talk. Last night there was a pretty hysterical rendition of "Midnight Train to Georgia" on 30 Rock (which, if you are not watching, you must hate America.) so after getting my fill of political theorizing, I was in the mood for a little Mowtown.
All I had in my iPod was Ain't No Mountain High Enough. And it's a track I bought on iTunes so I can't post it for you to download but I found a version of it on YouTube.
I have no words for how fantastic this song is. From the very first "aaaaaa-aaaaa" right after the music starts to build 26 seconds in my brain starts to melt. Diana Ross has a voice that honestly sounds like silk. It may well be that Florence Ballard was the Supreme with the strongest pipes but all that tells me is that hearing them all live must have been a near trancendent experience. Diana kills this. No matter where I am when this song comes on-in the car, out for a run, shopping-whatever-at 4 minutes and 18 second when the song hits it's climax I HAVE to stop and sing along. And every time it's a war with myself-do I do "ain't no mountain!" with the backup singers or do all the "ooo!" and "oh oh's!" with Diana. I am always jealous of people who can sing anyway but this song turns me totally green.
\
However, friday did indeed come and it's finally getting lighter in the evening so I don't feel so much like I'm driving home in the dead of night. I listened to NPR most of the way home because I have developed a raging addiction to any and all Election 08 talk. Last night there was a pretty hysterical rendition of "Midnight Train to Georgia" on 30 Rock (which, if you are not watching, you must hate America.) so after getting my fill of political theorizing, I was in the mood for a little Mowtown.
All I had in my iPod was Ain't No Mountain High Enough. And it's a track I bought on iTunes so I can't post it for you to download but I found a version of it on YouTube.
I have no words for how fantastic this song is. From the very first "aaaaaa-aaaaa" right after the music starts to build 26 seconds in my brain starts to melt. Diana Ross has a voice that honestly sounds like silk. It may well be that Florence Ballard was the Supreme with the strongest pipes but all that tells me is that hearing them all live must have been a near trancendent experience. Diana kills this. No matter where I am when this song comes on-in the car, out for a run, shopping-whatever-at 4 minutes and 18 second when the song hits it's climax I HAVE to stop and sing along. And every time it's a war with myself-do I do "ain't no mountain!" with the backup singers or do all the "ooo!" and "oh oh's!" with Diana. I am always jealous of people who can sing anyway but this song turns me totally green.
\
Thursday, January 10, 2008
The rest
One of my favorite presents this year was a little "joy" necklace that my friend Rebecca gave me. The somewhat abridged version of the story is that we became instant best friends when she moved to Utah in fifth grade. We were the shortest and youngest girls in the class so it just made sense that we hang out. I LOVED her but even from a young age, there was a big disparity in our popularity levels. Other girls were constantly trying to move in on "best friend" territory and boys would call me looking for her phone number. To be quite honest, I always felt really insecure about our relationship.
Cut to the great locker partner split of eighth grade. Over the summer Rebecca decided to locker with someone else. I was devastated. I ended up with a girl who was actually really nice and cool and fun and I often regretted that my sadness at being rejected by someone else probably kept me from getting too close to this potential new friend. The following year Rebecca made the cheerleading squad, I was firmly entrenched in honors classes and the drama club and we barely spoke for the rest of our public school lives.
I look back on the little me of those years and I wish she had been a little braver. I wish she had put a little less stock in who was "cool" and who wasn't. She was a good kid with a lot of talents and she spent a disproportionate amount of her time worrying about her lowly place on the high school food chain. I have a feeling that if I end up with children, I will get one like her and that could drive the adult me nutso. I hope I will be patient with her tender feelings.
Then my junior year of college I was with some friends at a house I didn't live in and the phone rang for me. It was Rebecca. Calling to apologize for snipping me out of her life all those years ago. I was floored. A mix of, "it's about freakin' time and by the way I don't need this because I turned out just fine without you," and "wow, I'm so happy to have my friend back." It took a few years before the first feelings went away. I was uncomfortable with the after school special-esque idea that I'd been pining away in my nerd castle waiting for the cool girl to see that I was actually pretty OK. It's funny how your social standing as a 16 year old gets so imprinted on your brain that you often continue to operate at a high school maturity level well into your twenties.
As real live adults Rebecca and I have gotten back to super close. She is married now and has one of the most adorable curly haired babies ever. In recent months we've been able to spend some good quality time together and I know precisely why I liked her so much in the first place.
So over lunch at Rich's Bagels in Salt Lake she gave me a box of two little silver "joy" necklaces with the explanation that we never got "best friend" necklaces as kids. I thought about all the times I wanted to nail one to her forehead so no one else could steal her. I was so terrified of losing her as a friend that I know I sometimes got annoyingly possessive. I wish there was some way to let my junior high self know that really really-this was all going to be OK.
I am guilty of wanting to know right this second how things are going to "turn out" when my experience tells me that the real ending is always better than the one I imagined. How incredibly frustrating that I can't seem to learn a lesson I get taught over. and over. and over. One of the many things a future daughter and I can fight about I suppose. I'm wearing the necklace now as a reminder. I hope this time it sticks.
One thing that will always remind me of sleepovers with Rebecca is making up dances to Milli Vanilli songs. This one was a particular favorite-we loved the dialogue at the beginning. Oddly prophetic those guys-whoever they were.
Cut to the great locker partner split of eighth grade. Over the summer Rebecca decided to locker with someone else. I was devastated. I ended up with a girl who was actually really nice and cool and fun and I often regretted that my sadness at being rejected by someone else probably kept me from getting too close to this potential new friend. The following year Rebecca made the cheerleading squad, I was firmly entrenched in honors classes and the drama club and we barely spoke for the rest of our public school lives.
I look back on the little me of those years and I wish she had been a little braver. I wish she had put a little less stock in who was "cool" and who wasn't. She was a good kid with a lot of talents and she spent a disproportionate amount of her time worrying about her lowly place on the high school food chain. I have a feeling that if I end up with children, I will get one like her and that could drive the adult me nutso. I hope I will be patient with her tender feelings.
Then my junior year of college I was with some friends at a house I didn't live in and the phone rang for me. It was Rebecca. Calling to apologize for snipping me out of her life all those years ago. I was floored. A mix of, "it's about freakin' time and by the way I don't need this because I turned out just fine without you," and "wow, I'm so happy to have my friend back." It took a few years before the first feelings went away. I was uncomfortable with the after school special-esque idea that I'd been pining away in my nerd castle waiting for the cool girl to see that I was actually pretty OK. It's funny how your social standing as a 16 year old gets so imprinted on your brain that you often continue to operate at a high school maturity level well into your twenties.
As real live adults Rebecca and I have gotten back to super close. She is married now and has one of the most adorable curly haired babies ever. In recent months we've been able to spend some good quality time together and I know precisely why I liked her so much in the first place.
So over lunch at Rich's Bagels in Salt Lake she gave me a box of two little silver "joy" necklaces with the explanation that we never got "best friend" necklaces as kids. I thought about all the times I wanted to nail one to her forehead so no one else could steal her. I was so terrified of losing her as a friend that I know I sometimes got annoyingly possessive. I wish there was some way to let my junior high self know that really really-this was all going to be OK.
I am guilty of wanting to know right this second how things are going to "turn out" when my experience tells me that the real ending is always better than the one I imagined. How incredibly frustrating that I can't seem to learn a lesson I get taught over. and over. and over. One of the many things a future daughter and I can fight about I suppose. I'm wearing the necklace now as a reminder. I hope this time it sticks.
One thing that will always remind me of sleepovers with Rebecca is making up dances to Milli Vanilli songs. This one was a particular favorite-we loved the dialogue at the beginning. Oddly prophetic those guys-whoever they were.
Old
iTunes is pretty much the main reason I bought my computer. It's like having the radio station OF MY BRAIN. I never know what will come up but I know it will be awesome.
All to say that this forgotten gem cycled though last night and made me happy. Even though the song is absurdly sad.
I'm still trying to figure out how to balance my 10 new healthy habits with all the time I used to spend um, goofing off, but I promise there will be something of value on this blog again soon.
Although seriously that song is really good.
All to say that this forgotten gem cycled though last night and made me happy. Even though the song is absurdly sad.
I'm still trying to figure out how to balance my 10 new healthy habits with all the time I used to spend um, goofing off, but I promise there will be something of value on this blog again soon.
Although seriously that song is really good.
Monday, January 07, 2008
Resolved
Well my super awesome ridiculously long and really fun vacation has come to an end. It was quite a shock to my system to get up before 10 this morning and actually be a productive member of society. I have some things to post about my time in Utah but tonight is a time for resolutions. I am kicking off the year by competing in a "healthy habits" contest with some friends. One of those habits in getting seven hours of sleep so I'm making this short tonight.
I'll just leave you with this funny article about Dixville Notch, New Hampshire where the first primary votes have already been cast. I was sort of "eh" about this Presidential election but Iowa got me thinking that this could be a really fascinating year.
Check it out...
http://youdecide08.foxnews.com/2008/01/08/mccain-obama-win-first-ballots-in-dixville-notch-nh/
I'll just leave you with this funny article about Dixville Notch, New Hampshire where the first primary votes have already been cast. I was sort of "eh" about this Presidential election but Iowa got me thinking that this could be a really fascinating year.
Check it out...
http://youdecide08.foxnews.com/2008/01/08/mccain-obama-win-first-ballots-in-dixville-notch-nh/
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)