Stages

I should be asleep but my body clock is so out of whack after this week that I'm not sure I'll be back on a normal schedule until April. So I'm taking advantage of a quiet hotel room and a little insomnia to write. You are forewarned that it might be a little jumbled and rambling but this trip has my brain kind of going every which way.

This morning I woke up from one my recurring marriage dreams. I think I may have mentioned these dreams before but they happen every few months and it's always my wedding day and everything is a) very thrown together and b) I don't really know the groom. At some point of the dream I usually ask someone about the guy I'm marrying and they assure me that he's a cool guy and for some reason, no one is ever alarmed that I am asking questions about my fiance ON MY WEDDING DAY. In the dream I find myself thinking, "eh, might as well." And then I wake up and lay there luxuriating in the fact that I'm alone and not married to some random guy. I always take an enormous amount of comfort in that feeling because it makes me certain I haven't reached that, "eh, maybe it's better than being alone," point of my life that I sometimes get the feeling people think I ought to have now that I am *gasp* in my thirties.

We had a busy day of site visits and meetings and in between I was trying to coordinate how I was going to get from the Denver Airport tomorrow to my car which is parked at my bosses house across town. And as plans were falling through I kept thinking, "damnit one of these days I would like there to be a handsome fella on the other side of one of these work trips." Because really, the only people who WANT to pick you up at the airport are people who get to kiss you when you get in the car. There are times when I just feel exhausted after all these years of doing it all by myself. Like it would be so nice to fall apart for ten minutes and have someone else take a turn putting me back together. Because there are three people in this world who believe in you without question-your mom, yourself, and the guy wearing a ring. And when you are too old to keep going to your mother for validation and there is no guy with a ring, you have to do it yourself and sometimes you are sick of the sound of your own tough girl voice telling you how strong you are. We were wandering around all these menswear sections at Harrod's and Selfridges looking at sponsor shop-in-shops and it can be an almost physical ache because you don't want to buy cool shirts from London for your brothers or the guy you climb with, you want to be dressing up your very own boy.

The day was good. And I ended up with a few free hours with a coworker I adore and we decided to walk to our dinner meeting and do a little shopping along and get treats the way. He's very smart and interesting and he has good taste and I always feel like I learn so much when I get to travel with him. We talked about all kind of plans for next summer and I feel so validated when it's clear we are on the same page and he agrees with so many of my ideas. I feel smart. I feel good at my job.

We get to dinner and it's a venue our sponsors chose. It's terribly them which is to say it's pretty posh. They all show up in one well-dressed mass and none of the women seem to be one bit affected by the humidity that has turned my hair completely against me for the last nine days. We sit down and on my right is the VP of Marketing for the whole of Europe and on my left is another Marketing Director of this major, major fashion label. And even a couple of years ago I might spend most of that dinner feeling a bit out of my league. But tonight I chatted intelligently about David's neighborhood in Geneva because well, I lived there and Mattieu almost fell off his chair when I responded to him in French because you know, an American who speaks French? We talked about US vs European positioning and sports marketing initiatives and swapped background snapshots. I am at this lovely point in my career where I HAVE some background to talk about. And although I am still always actively looking for mentors and people above me to learn from, I'm developing a bit of a downline as well-younger people who want to know my career path and who ask for my advice. My resume sounds impressive without any massaging.

This has been happening quite a bit in the last year, I was sitting there, at a fancy restaurant off Hyde Park in London, holding my own and then some with these people and thinking-this is it, these are my sixteen year old dreams coming true. Looking around at the life I have built and the experiences I have had-I'm ecstatic that this is how things have turned out. Sometimes I walk into my cute apartment after an evening at the climbing gym or a good bike ride and I feel like my heart is going to bust right out of my grateful, satisfied chest.

I'm not living my backup plan-this is the life I was hoping for. There has always been a step two of that life-the husband and family part but I'm not flipping out because 90% of the girls I went to high school with are on baby number three. I have days where it is a total bummer to be single. And days where I can't even imagine there are any single mormon boys I don't already know or single not mormon boys who want to put up with my rules. But then I think about pretty much every good thing that has ever happened in my life and how rarely it's been something I saw coming or could explain to you why I feel like I deserved that shot. I didn't and I don't. I've been incredibly blessed and to complain about my circumstances or to whine about something I have no control over i.e. boys, seems straight up ungrateful.

I suppose I'm just hoping that there are other single ladies out there who have also reached a space where you can feel comfortable talking about those lonely days, and that "seriously???" feeling you get now and then when some kid you babysat is getting hitched and you are in a complete dating drought but also feel comfortable saying no, nice lady at church who said she looks at my life sometimes and feels jealous but she's sure I look at hers and feel jealous, I don't. I'm sure your kids and husband are lovely but I'm actually pretty alright with the way my life is shaking out.

And with that...I'm off to try to sleep a few hours before my last site visit and a flight that ends with my OWN BED!

So far, soooooooo good

Things that have not sucked

1. Spanish tapas that made my brain melt
2. Rooms at the hotel in Amsterdam that made even seasoned travelers gasp like little girls
3. Sitting in a coffee shop window every morning watching London run by before our appointments
4. Knocking out two countries I've never been to in the space of 24 hours
5. Advanced scouting of two prime hospitality hot spots for next summer

I sure love it over here. *sigh*

Hide and Seek

If anyone needs me, I'll be here until March 1.

EF - Live The Language - London from Albin Holmqvist on Vimeo.

(I'm a wee bit obsessed with these things. I need a time machine to go back and do study abroad.)

1000 words

Sometimes I worry that I am not married because I'm expecting a kind of boy that doesn't exist. But then I remember that I know three of them who are smart and fun and cute and loyal and goofy and interesting and good and ambitious and like strong women and sometimes tease too much and can drive their wives crazy and toss their babies a little too high and I think-I'll wait. Because my brothers are totally real guys and they are totally rad.

I ran across this photo on my sister's Facebook profile and I am obsessed with it. Babies in uncle's laps and everyone laughing. At the risk of sounding like a gaggy "my life is sooo awesome" blogger-this is really what it feels like when we are all together. We're too loud and too animated and someone will end up in tears but gosh, I'm pretty stoked these people are blood required to love me.



p.s. Logan, I miss your hair.

Fantasy

This blogger I follow just moved to France with her six kids. SIX KIDS. She posted this cute video that makes me want to move to Paris basically tomorrow because I have NO kids and french boys really ARE this cute.

EF - Live The Language - Paris from Albin Holmqvist on Vimeo.

I miss speaking french. So pretty. If I get my way, some post 2012 Games relaxing will happen in that city.

Behind

Trying to get everything done so I don't feel stressed out when I leave for London for ten days, come back and spend a girls weekend with my college friends and then go to Hawaii four days later is basically impossible. Am I leaving enough work for my intern? Have I made all the appointments I need in London? Which video should I take so I can tell myself I'm going to workout on my work trip so I feel swimsuit ready for Hawaii (and then use it once)?

The reality is I will feel stressed out until I get on the plane Sunday and then I'll forget I even HAVE a desk in Colorado Springs.

Tonight though, it's me, Costco trail mix, a stack of notes from meetings with every sport to approve and this song cranked up way louder than I think the night cleaning crew is entirely comfortable with.

Insight

I feel like my mother's comment in my post about Hawaii really deserves to be highlighted. I think you will all agree that her wish for our trip really captures the spirit of Valentine's Day.

Jayne said...
I never really wanted to go there - not a hot weather-lay-on-the-beach girl at all like you have always been in your heart. But then I did, and every thing was as wonderful as every picture and story I had ever heard. We took a short hike just off the road through cane fields and some lava fields one day, and came upon a beautiful waterfall and handsome South American sunning naked on a rock-and no one else. So that is my wish for you. And that he is also a nice man who was friendly and put on his pants right away, like ours did.

Stalker

It's weird when you run across people on Facebook who were friends of your younger siblings so you sort of remember when they were born. And now they are full grown adults with spouses and kids. OR they are single and hot.

Either way it makes me vaguely uncomfortable. Like I'm old but I don't know it.

It's Not About Football!

I've been yapping about Friday Night Lights for about five years now so I won't go into terrible detail about how it's the BEST THING ON TELEVISION. But saturday night, when the movie I rented was boring me to death, I popped in the last disk of Season One and cried for the entire three hours. I have always believed that what makes this show so special-in addition to the powerful acting and the good writing and the great location and the music-is that the core of the show is just people trying to live good lives and take care of each other. The storylines treated teenagers like three dimensional people not snotty sterotypes, faith was treated like a normal part of life but there wasn't exessive attention called to it, the Taylors made marriage look awesome, and that funny little town in Texas somehow managed to feel much seemed like every other city or town in America.

The series finale was last night. I had been watching this last season but decided to wait and get the whole thing on DVD in April and watch it in one long, awesome weekend this spring. All accounts say it was a perfect ending. If you are still holding out-maybe watch this and see if you don't want to hear more of Eric Taylor's locker room speeches.

Wine

Everything about this is beautiful. The french at the beginning, the guitar, the voice, the way it's filmed, the lyrics. Just beautiful and perfect.

Iron and Wine | Tree by the river | A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

VD

Posted on my Facebook wall yesterday

Katie,

If you believe in falling in love, you should go to the DeVotchka valentine show in your area.

that is all.

So I don't know how you say no to that. I'm hoping to talk some unsuspecting friends into making the trek to Denver with me but even if I can't, I'll be there. Because one summer I listened to this song starting from when I was pretty sure my heart was about to get broken until it was all healed up.



I came up with a rule about five years ago that I would never, ever spend Valentine's Day feeling bad about being single. And I have to say-ever since I've really enjoyed it. Just because I'm not in love it certainly doesn't mean there isn't a somewhat obscene amount of love in my life-especially for bands who manage to use accordions successfully.

Santa

One of the best parts about Christmas this year was having a nephew who believes in Santa Claus. Watching Morgan set out the treats for Santa and then get SO EXCITED the next morning was enough to make me want to get pregnant on the spot.

I've been thinking about whether as adults there is anything as exciting as Christmas Eve when you are a kid. I'm not sure there is although I've never experienced Wedding Eve or Baby Due Date Eve, I imagine those come close.

However, I have discovered that finally getting to do something you've been wishing for ever since you can remember is coming awfully close.

I AM TOTALLY GOING TO HAWAII NEXT MONTH!! I realize that I might be one of the last people in America who has never been to Hawaii, and I realize that there are probably 10 other islands with fewer tourists that are just as pretty if not prettier. But I don't care. I have wanted to go ever since my parents spent a week there when I was nine and my mom came home and raved about the shaved ice for about a year. I actually giggled when I hit the "buy this itinerary" button for my ticket. Major credit goes to Corey who has learned that if she plans something fun and tells me about it, I'll probably go.

So if you have any North Shore must do suggestions, lay them on me.

Accomplished

I am really, really proud of myself. I managed to break three New Year's resolutions in one fell swoop this week. I drank a Diet Coke (no caffeine), at Chipotle (healthy choices when I eat out), on a Tuesday (bring my lunch to work M-Th).

I am so awesome! It wasn't even hard!