Beauty Spot

Four years ago today, I was newly moved to Boston and on a work trip to San Francisco. Through absolutely NO weaseling on my part, the trip happened to coincide with the birthday of a young gentleman living in that city that I was fond of at the time AND a Low concert. So that night, with about 14 of our friends, we held hands and swayed and listened to some of the quietest music known to indie man. The boy is long gone but one of my trusty social networking sites reminded me today that it was birthday so I couldn't help taking a step or two down memory lane. It was one of those nights that still glows when I think about it. Perfect in every way.

Here are some things that are perfect in every way as well.

Kate Nash singing a song that is so pretty and so tender but also pretty depressing. So of course I am obsessed with it.


And a cover of a Van Morrison song by that guy from the movie Once (he's also the lead singer of The Frames), a little film that is also so pretty and so tender but also a little bittersweet. After careful review, I think I like this cover even better than the original. Sorry Van.
Hungry For Your Love

Good Winter

Lest you think all I've been doing is crying for the last two weeks...I did get my first taste of Garage Band last night after a delicious dinner, cooked by men no less, bought some lovely new shoes for way way less than they should have cost, gone for a few beautiful runs through the city, had a fun evening in Providence with two dear friends, and caught up with a bunch of familiar faces at church yesterday. One things I will say for myself is that even when I am suffering from paralyzing amounts of self-inflicted fear, the crazy sticks mainly inside my head and I still manage to function quite normally.

So in honor of my new and frigid home,here is a song that has spent an inordinate amount of time on my iPod this week. The artist goes by the name Bon Iver which is a play on the french word for winter. I may put these lyrics on a notecard for frequent reference..

I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind.

Dirty Water

One week in Boston down, is it okay if I say 103 weeks to go?

I've been trying to write a post all week that doesn't come off like the whiney spoiled brat I think I am being right now but I've finally decided that it would be very insincere. And although I don't always give you all brilliance or insight, I do try to bring you sincerity. So here goes...

I love my job. I work in a big cool building on the waterfront that is full of beautiful design space and fabulous views. I belong to a team of people who are smart and creative and strategic. Our little brand has an inordinate amount of potential and the full support of an innovative parent company. The first day I felt completely overwhelmed but by Friday, I know this place is going to be a great home.

But then I have to leave and go to my actual home. And home is not my sleepy little beach town anymore. Home is not taco tuesday and lazy runs down by the water. Home is scarves and deadbolts and crowded subways and eight inches of snow. It reminds me of this dream I have sometimes where I somehow decide to be a full-time missionary again. Even though a mission was exactly the right experience for me and I wouldn't trade having gone for anything in the world, when I find myself out there again I have a complete panic attack until I wake myself up. That's how I feel right now in Boston. I went to church today and it actually started to unnerve me by the time the sixth or seventh person said, "wow, I am stunned to see YOU back here." Well that makes eight of us pal.

I've been having this debate with myself for about a year now-if forced to choose, would I rather be blissful at work or blissful at home? I realize that the real answer is duh, both. But for quite sometime I was not happy at work and it was affecting my ability to enjoy my real life. I guess we'll see if loving my job is something that can carry me through until home really feels like home.

Let me be clear. I can pinpoint the very moment when I knew something major had to change in my life and as a friend pointed out, it was not very long ago. I know that I am extremely lucky to have gotten the job I did, as quickly as I did, with very little effort on my part. Even my interview process, which was certainly nerve-wracking, was relatively smooth compared to my normally high strung standards. So I know I'm in the right place. I know I'm going to get over all my nerves. I know it's not fair to this experience to hold it hostage to my disappointments from the last time around. But change is not easy-even good, positive changes. When I moved back to California last time, I moved right back into a comfort zone. A comfort zone where I was extremely happy and had lots and lots of fun and was definitely the place for me to be for the last few years. But it was time to make some progress and I can already see a million little things I have learned in this process.

So yes, I am homesick. I'm only going to feel a little bit bad about that. Not being homesick would mean I wasn't very invested in my last life and I was. I'll let myself feel this for a little while and try not to be too embarrassed about it.

TAGGED!

I am really bad at following through when I get blog tagged but I need a good reason to stop writing posts about how freaked out I am about my crazy new life. So here we go:

10 yrs ago:
I was getting ready to graduate from college. If the journals I ran across while packing last weekend are accurate, I was freaking out about what to do with myself. I was also working on turning in my mission papers. And I'm sure I was in the throes of some pointless crush on an uninterested boy.

5 Things on my to do list Today:
take a shower, catch up on emails, call my sister, repack my stuff, go to bed on time.

Things I would do if I suddenly was a Billionaire:
buy a house for everyone in my family.

3 of my bad habits:
I drink too much Diet Coke, I stay up WAY too late,

Places I have lived:
Salt Lake City, UT; Cedar City UT; Geneva Switzerland; Huntington Beach, CA; Boston, MA

Jobs I have had:
Nanny, bookstore cashier, video store drone, dollar bill folder, sport coordinator, marketing manager

Things most people don't know about me:
I have a weird obsession with Julia Child, my second to is longer than my first (sign of royalty!), if I see the first minutes of Law and Order:SVU, I have to watch it. Have to. In fact, I'm watching my second episode tonight right now.

Touchdown

While I have an overwhelming list of pros about this big move, the one little con is that I really, really don't want to move back to Boston. I was ready for a geographic change and I'm excited beyond reason about the job, but I haven't been able to shake the dread at going back to city I just wasn't sad to leave the last time around. I got on that plane two years ago without shedding a single tear so my stomach has been in knots about returning. It is ever a good idea to go back to someone who kicked you around last time? Could this place be different a second time around?

I know the people around me last week were probably sick of me acting like a scared child about this whole AMAZING opportunity and that's probably why I managed to climb on that airplane yesterday. We landed and I cried. The friend who picked me up asked me if I was glad to be back and I didn't know how to answer.

Then.

I got to the temporary corporate housing I'll be calling home for a bit right down in the heart of the city. I unpacked a little and then I headed out to find something to eat. It was cold enough but not obscenely so and there were people everywhere. The shops were full, the restaurants were crowded. I walked all over the place, stopped in enough shoe and clothing stores to remind myself that I am not stuck in down coats and boots for the rest of forever and ended up eating delicious pumpkin ravioli in a bustling little cafe/bookstore on Newbury Street. There is an energy to this city that somehow slipped my mind. Or that I didn't really take advantage of the last time I was here...that might be the true issue here. I have this uneasy feeling that I kept Boston at arms length last time. I was pretty busy hating my job, living in the suburbs and being sad about dumb boys to have put much effort into making this my home. So I made a decision last night at the Shaw's market near my hotel that I live here now. I am committed to this place. I will let myself put down a root or two. Stay tuned.

On The Way Up

After my job at the Olympics ended a few years ago, and before I had found a new one, I was housesitting for a week for some friends up in the Avenues in Salt Lake. I was sort of freaked out that I had zero idea what I wanted to do with life so everyday when I went out for a run I would listen to "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World over and over, paying particular attention to the lines

"It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine "

So yesterday morning, as I set out to go running in the Avenues from my sister's house on E Street, I had to laugh at myself a little for all this worrying I've been doing the last few weeks. It's as if I completely forgot that six years ago I packed up my little car and headed to California with a new job and nowhere to live and everything everything indeed turned out just fine.

Welcome to the World!

If you are friends with me, chances are you are friends with another one of my siblings. We tend to come as a package deals.

In keeping with that pattern, I am telling you that my sister ems started a blog and I guarantee it's going to be awesome.

Finito

Yesterday was my last day at work.

It was weird. I had a whole bunch of "hand-off" conference calls, a few meetings and then all of the sudden it was 5:00 and it was time to hand over my computer and pick up my last check. I expected to feel an enormous sense of relief walking out the door but instead I left with a jumble of mixed emotions. I was up until almost 2 last night thinking thinking thinking. And woke up this morning worrying worrying worrying.

THEN. I did a bunch of errands, got my possessions sorted and ready for packing and headed out for a run. It's been cold and windy the last couple of weeks but today was sunny and warm so I went down to the beach. We have really low tide right now so I decided to run on the sand. It was about 5 in the afternoon, the sun was low, there were people all over-everything I love love love about this town. I started thinking about my new job and now I am excited about, and how much fun Boston is going to be and ended up with the best run I have had in months. Leaving on Tuesday is going to be really hard, but I'm finally relaxing into this whole experience. It feels really good.

Give in

Alright fine, I'm just going to let myself admit that I'm freaked out about this whole Boston business.

I know-moving to a cool new city to take a great new job really should not be this terrifying. Especially for a person who has not exactly been sitting around doing nothing. This is not my first big change, nor my first new job, and not even my first cross country move (third! it's my third!).

I haven't quit a job before though (my last job was with the Olympics-those just end!) and it's been five and a half years since I was the new girl. The last two times I started over it was only half way over. My job has made me crazy for most of the time I have been there, but it's a crazy that I understand. A crazy I've gotten really good at navigating. I like being really great at what I do and I have some pretty high expectations for myself at the new place. And um, I'm pretty sure they have some as well. I have moments of full scale panic about having accepted yet another job with tons of travel and that nagging fear that God is advancing my career because a family of my own is not in the cards for me.

However, being afraid-and being open about being afraid-sure brings the kindness of friends out of the woodwork. I have gotten so many sweet emails and phone calls from folks who just want to offer nice bits of advice. The theme seems to be that it's OK to be scared. It's not OK to let fear keep you from doing something you know is right for you. So that's what I am trying to do-I'm letting myself be scared. It doesn't make me weak if I'm nervous about the unknown as long as I keep walking towards it.

Harvest Moon

I love the last quiet hour of the day. Even when I get home very late, I still have to take about an hour to wind down. Whether it be blogging, journaling, or reading in my bed, it's so delicious to have this time to myself before I fall asleep.

I was cleaning music off my work computer today and I found this song that somehow slipped by. It sounds like the last hour of my day feels.

Come in the Harvest

Karma

I remember lying in bed one night in college, after I had finally stopped hating every second of it and was actually enjoying myself, "well now I know how to make a big move and get through it, it will never be hard again. I totally have this mastered."

The moral of this story is that you think lots of really stupid things when you are 18.