There are some days where I feel like everything is just half a step off. Today was one of those days. I felt out of sorts and couldn't quite put my finger on why. And then the internet reminded me, as it has a tendency to do when you have left bits of your life all over it, that a year ago today a boy I was busy falling for did one of those thoughtful and romantic grand gestures that feels straight out of a John Hughes movie.
So the weird feeling made sense. If I'm honest, I'm not 100% over that guy. He was really different from the kind of person I am usually attracted to and our whole relationship felt like something sweet (and maybe unrealistic) that I made up when I was 16. I've gotten so tired of telling myself that maybe THIS experience was just good preparation for the ONE but in this case, I really do think I learned a lot from the whole experience. Even though it didn't end the way I was hoping, it was a sweet chapter in my choppy love life.
What I wanted to do when I got home was pull out the cookie dough I shouldn't but do have in my fridge, watch the episode of 30 Rock where Liz Lemon meets her pilot boyfriend, and try not to compose any texts I would instantly regret. Instead I got into my cycling gear and went for a hard ride through the Garden of the Gods. I tackled the really evil hill that I never do and always forget isn't just three steep peaks but has a nasty little fourth kick to get to the top. I listened to tough girl songs and I counted my blessings-all that stuff that sounds cheesy when you are in a mood but somehow manages to work anyway. There are times when I'm almost annoyed that I'm nearly 35 years old* and I'm still spending time and energy trying not to think about a boy. And then I think of all the things I don't have to worry about right now and I'm humbled as usual.
I'm also giving myself a few minutes to remember how swept off my feet I felt last year because that feels fair. It's one of those stories that I will love to tell once the sting is all out.
The Counting Crows album August and Everything After is one of my go to albums when I'm feeling a little melancholy and I found this beautiful version of two of my favorite tracks. I might be watching this in the dark. It's cool though, "''round here we always stand up straight."