Actor Announcement

I love it when my friends do cool things because then I get to brag about how I have cool friends.

This is my friend Dave. He is terribly talented both in front of and behind the camera. Look at him tell off that impatient cake cutter! **sidenote, these Intel commercials are really funny. Great campaign.

Congrats Dave!!!

Danger Zone

I took a carload of Air Force Academy cadets back to campus after church yesterday. Please note that if you are taking people back to a military installation you should NOT squeeze four passengers into a three seatbelt backseat. The guards tend to frown on such a situation.

Fortunately I was able to do some shuffling and got all the little freshman safely to the dorms and then stopped to check out the B-52 on display on campus.

My pops was in the Air Force before I was born so I called him and he told me a little about the history of the B-52. This particulary plane is Diamond Lil and she flew from 1957 to 1983. She is absolutely massive-hard to tell in a photo just how big the thing is. And if you are a person who is fascinated by the things humans have invented-the fact that such a thing can FLY kind of blows my mind.

A nice little Sunday afternoon field trip.

Calling all Teachers/PTA Moms

One of the really fun parts of my job is that I will be running Team Processing before the Games in February. Every single US athlete will come through our center to pick up all the fun stuff they get for making the team. They'll spend a few hours trying on clothes, getting their Opening Ceremonies outfit altered, getting their "yearbook" photos taken and sending all the clothes they brought with them home because they just got super hooked up.

We thought it would be really fun to get school kids across the country to write "Good Luck" cards and posters to the athletes that we can post in the Team Processing venue. If you are a teacher or a parent who would like to have your child's class participate, you can leave your contact info in a comment or email me at katieclifford(at)gmail(dot)com. I'd love to have you guys play with us!

She's a Libra

I have a "I'm 33 today and trying not to freak out about it" post that I will get to later this week. But today I have to give a little blog love to my mother. She gave birth to me 33 years ago and continues to have to do motherly duties far beyond what I'm sure she ever imagined.

My last three months at PUMA I was working on a big exciting endorsement deal and my mom had heard me talk A LOT about the kid we were signing and how much I had enjoyed working with his family on the deal. He's a great golfer and you'll definitely be hearing his name now that he has gone pro. He's also a smart, fun, down to earth guy with a tight, supportive family. They were really good people and although I was beyond thrilled when my current job opportunity came along, leaving just as we were finishing up getting this kid signed was disappointing.

My sneaky mother knew that a friend of mine would be taking the photos at the official signing annoucement after I had left so she tracked him down and got his help doing this:



A framed version of it showed up at my house last night and pretty much made my whole month. Thanks momma bird.

p.s. These little weasels appeared in my inbox this morning. So yeah, good birthday.

It Takes Two

My nephews got a rare chance to hang out this weekend. I can't believe I share some genes with these little stinks! If I ever have any kids I hope they end up this adorable.

Closer

I think maybe my brain is too full of new things and it's inhibiting my ability to write anything worthwhile! It dawned on me the other day that while this is my fifth move in seven years, it's been a long time since a move meant learning a new city and making new friends. It's somewhat exhausting. And exciting too. Work has been really wonderful but there is a lot to process there as well. So I have a lot I want to write about but I'm having trouble getting it out. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, I heard a song this weekend that I've had on repeat pretty much ever since. The lyrics are pretty darn sweet.

No Sleep 'til Brooklyn

I've been in Vancouver all week on a site visit for the Games. They are 128 days away. I'm exhausted. But I am having SO MUCH FUN AT MY NEW JOB.

More to come.

One

I had lunch today with two ridiculously cool girls from the Marketing department at work. They were in town from our New York office. One just moved from San Francisco and the other one has been in New York for 11 years. The three of us are all in our thirties and all have pretty cool career experiences under our belts. Between us we have lived in three of the biggest cities in the country. What do you think we talked about?

Well work. Obviously. And we are all new to the Committee so we talked about our old jobs and what we like to do in our spare time.

But of course we talked about boys. And dating. And I was looking at these two really cute, confident, successful women and I thought to myself-men are stupid.

Just kidding! I don't think men are stupid. I just think that I'm about to turn 33 and it's comforting to know that I'm in pretty fabulous single girl company.

Elevation

So I just moved to a city that is consistently ranked as one of the fittest in the country. Outside Magazine actually called it the best place to live in America this year.

I also happened to work on a complex where at any given time, a few hundred athletes are busily training for various competitions.

The two are conspiring to remind me that my workout habits during my Boston years were dismal at best. I vaguely remember a time when it was normal to go for a run and then hit up Taco Tuesday with a bunch of other sweaty people but...maybe that was just a dream?

The good news is that my new city and my new job are also generously offering ways to get me back on track. One fairly enormous job perk is that we all have access to the facilities at the Training Center. So last night I changed in my office and walked a whopping 100 yards to the weight room. Let me tell you that your motivation to keep running goes through the roof when you realize the guy next to you could very well be training for London in 2012. I fought through some lingering effects of seven years of living at sea level and left a 45 minute run later feeling like, well, some kind of Olympian. Must be in the air.

Then tonight I met up with some friends at a bar downtown that hosts a weekly 5K. They do it every Tuesday and afterwards everyone comes back for a spaghetti dinner. Every Tuesday! And it was PACKED! And there were so many good looking boys! You really can't go two blocks in this town without seeing some cute guy in spandex.

Colorado Springs, if you intend to rescue me from the chains of the DVR, I think you are onto something.

Lion Tamer

This song came up on my iPod tonight. I forgot how much I adore it.

Waldo

Through some tragic mix-up in the universe, my brother and his wife planned an East Coast trip that worked out to be two weeks after I moved. So they are in Boston this week and I am living vicariously through text messages and my roommate who got to have dinner with them tonight. And these "where's morgan" photos Christopher has been sending me.




I think I would feel much worse if I didn't just move about 2000 miles closer to the little devil.

Rocky Mountain High

Leaving Boston was a wee bit harder then I thought it would be. Last time I left I knew that the majority of my close friends were on their way out of town as well. I was a little sad to go but so much was changing anyway and there were enough palm trees in my future that I was overjoyed to get on that plane. My first year back was brutal but I absolutely believe that I asked for every minute of it with all that "praying for growth opportunities" when I was feeling stagnant in HB. I made some dear, dear friends this last time around and I'm certain that I left a stronger, more humble, and more empathetic person then I was when I arrived. I also know that Boston was the best place for me to learn so many of the lessons of the last 18 months. I also know that you could tell me that Tim Riggins and a million dollars were waiting for me if I'd move back and THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD GO!

My sweet mother came out to help me pack/load/drive from MA to CO and she was an amazing help. This will sound so stupid to all of you who are married but we discovered my rear brakes were grinding two days before we left and she just took care of it while I was at work. She was a complete rock star and I don't know how I would have done it all without her. We drove for five days, saw lots of cites, drank lots of Dr. Pepper and finally rolled into the Springs on Monday afternoon. We watched the end of The Way We Were and then slept for about ten lovely hours. It was a good way to begin my time here. My step-dad came to pick her up the next day and I felt just a twinge of what it was like fifteen years ago this month when she dropped little freshman me off at SUU. That's right, I'm 32 years old and I still cried a little when my mom left me in a new city.

I started work on Wednesday. Is it OK if I gush just a little bit? I am pretty sure I've died and gone to job heaven. It is going to be a LOT of work but I am so excited about it. After the Winter Games were over in Salt Lake, all I wanted to do was to keep following the Games. I didn't, and I'm glad I made the career decisions that I did over the last seven years. But I feel incredibly blessed to be back in the Olympic world and doing something that makes me excited to go to work. On Friday we did Habitat for Humanity as a team and then went back to our Director's house and sat on his patio and chatted and I had to keep pinching myself that I get to be part of this team. It's spooky and awesome all at once the way things are working out.

And I guess that's the most important lesson in my whole Beantown Round 2 experience. I had been there just a couple of months when we had a Stake Conference speaker whose message was pretty much, "keep your faith up, things work out." I am finally getting that through my stubborn head. I am realizing that it so rarely works out in the way you hope/plan/expect but it's really often so much better. I found this quote earlier this year when I was doing some studying on Faith. It's from Joel Osteen who is a bit cheesy but I love the idea behind it...

God is ready to present you with new opportunities. He wants to open new doors before you. It doesn’t matter what’s happening in the world around you, in the economy, the housing industry, or with job reports; God’s Word still remains true. He rewards the people who seek after Him. He’s not the least bit concerned about how He’s going to supply your needs. There is no recession in heaven. He has His eye on you, and He still opens doors that no one can shut! In an instant, He can bring the right people into your life, the right opportunities, and the right resources to take you to a new level.

But in order to go to a higher level, you have to have a higher way of thinking. You can’t stay focused on what’s happening in the natural nor allow worry and fear to fill your thoughts. Remember, God’s ways are higher than our ways. Choose to keep an attitude of faith and expectancy. As you do, you’ll move forward through the open doors of blessing God has prepared for you.


There is a pretty great scripture that goes along with that sentiment in Revelations 3:8 "I know thy works: behold, I have set before thee and open door, and no man can shut it."

I have plenty more to say about my first week here and the fun things that are already happening but I will just leave you with this for now. I have been enjoying the Genius feature on my new iPod and rediscovering lots of music I hadn't listened to in a long time. This song cycled through yesterday as I was coming back from a run at the Garden of the Gods and it made me burst into tears. My friend Jeff has teased that someone should make a Felicity-type series about my life and all my criss-crosses of the country. I'm all for it as long as I get a Noel Crane out of the deal...

My Face Blog

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but I think internet haters are stupid. You know, the people who love to tell you that they don't do facebook because they prefer "real interaction." The internet and I have been tight for about 15 years now and if anything, it has allowed me to keep people in my life and to turn acquantances into friends in a way that would be tougher without the help of blogs and status updates.

The internet was extraordinarily kind to me last Friday night. My mom and I were on day two of my Boston to Colorado trek and thanks to expedia.com, we ended up getting a good last minute deal on a hotel in Columbus, Ohio. We both hopped onto our computers once we got to our room and I checked in on my friend Beckie who had been on a crazy layover in NYC that day. And what to my wondering eyes did appear but a status update that little Miss Beckie was IN COLUMBUS OHIO. So I called her, and not only was she in Columbus, she was at a hotel one exit away. Twenty minutes later we were enjoying Chinese take out and trying to take a photo that didn't betray all the time in cars and planes between us (we were mostly unsuccessful). I get sort of dizzy when I think of all the things that had to work out to get us to that hotel room.

So thanks Facebook. If you hadn't taught us all to broadcast our activities at all times I might have missed out on some pretty great "real interaction".

Fox in Sox

(this has been in "edit" mode for weeks, waiting for me to download some photos.)

We went to a Red Sox game and the little girl in front of us held up this "U Rock Big Papi" sign when David Ortiz came up to bat-and he scored a home run! It was so cute and totally made me think it was the kind of thing my friend Jane and her Sox loving family would make for a game.


I suppose it's Rockies games from here on out but I'll always be a Sox fan!

Advice

Hey maybe don't try to work right up until the night before you have to drive across the country to your new home. Holy crap I'm tired. Thank heavens for this big fluffy hotel bed in Philly.

Ride

This is what I did today. Pretty darn near perfect way to spend a Saturday.

Aid

One of my favorite episodes of Sex and the City was on the other night. Carrie's computer crashes and she loses pretty much everything. Her kind of amazing boyfriend Aidan (who I never actually thought she deserved but that is a completely different post) tries to help and buys her a new computer, complete with zip drive (remember those?) for backing everything up.

Instead of being pleased, Carrie gets mad at him and tells him she doesn't need his help and she already gave him keys to her apartment and seriously guy, what more do you want from me??? The scene ends with him storming out after leaving her keys on the table under the receipt for the computer.

She ends up calling him later and telling him that she's just used to taking care of things herself and what if she gets too used to his help and then he goes away. And that's the part where I start crying every time I watch this one because I can hear myself having that very conversation with some poor boy.

So I'm curious, lots of you are married after being single for a long time. How do you let someone else help/fix/solve things without feeling like you are losing your independence?

Fall

It's almost September which means that it's just about to be FIFTEEN YEARS since I started college. I was thinking about that today when I decided to go to the gym instead of hitting the Counting Crows show. The 17 year old me who listened to "August and Everything After" on repeat that fall would be so disappointed.

This is my favorite track from that CD. I never get sick of it and it can still make me cry. Being a freshman was so dramatic!

500 Miles

I really love "best of" lists. I know they are so subjective and I rarely read one where I agree with everything, but I'm kind of a sucker for them anyway.

There is a very snobby music review site that I used to read pretty religiously until I decided they were making ME snobby and quit. I still check in now and then though because their reviews are usually interesting and well written and they do a lot of cool interviews and features as well.

This month they have posted Top 500 Tracks of the 2000's. And yes, it's kind of weird to post this list a solid four months before the decade is really over but eh, 500 songs in nine and half years and change is still ambitious AND awesome.

It's a cool list and there are so many great songs in here. It's hitting my ears at a funny time though. The move and the job change has definitely got me in a nostalgic mood and I didn't quite realize how much of a time machine such a collection would be. I have been working my way through most of the list at my desk and I have had to get up a few times and run to the bathroom and wait for the redness to clear out of my eyes.

I keep thinking 2000 really wasn't that long ago but let's see, it was four moves, three jobs and tenish years ago so I guess a think or two has happened since then. It's been a pretty incredible ten years with a really fantastic soundtrack. Here are some highlights...

Izzo-Jay-Z

If you didn't know this song in the early 00's you must have been living under a rock. For some reason it always makes me think of trips to the Tasty's Donuts at the end of my street when I lived in Sugarhouse. I still miss that sweet little neighborhood sometimes. And I really love Jay-Z.



Such Great Heights-The Postal Service

I first got this song from a boy when I was living in Huntington Beach the first time. I don't remember precisely which one though because for a very lucky six months or so I had a steady stream of mix CD's coming my way from helpful guys willing to share their musical expertise. Those three boys really changed the way I listened to music and the first thirty seconds of this song still make me feel like I just discovered something life altering.



3rd Planet-Modest Mouse

This is one of the first songs I ever downloaded from iTunes. Modest Mouse is probably the band that I most closely identify with moving to Boston the first time. I was late in discovering The Moon and Antarctica but it's a beautiful, beautiful album. I love this song so much because some parts of it are weird and almost annoying and some parts are so pretty and melodic. It's kind of the perfect way to describe the way I feel about Boston and my collective time here.



Move Your Feet-Junior Senior

Quite a few times while reviewing this list I have landed on a song and thought, "I FORGOT THAT THIS WAS SO AWESOME!" I listened to this song until it virtually fried my brain and I still can't sit still during it. So perfectly dancably wonderful.



White Winter Hymnal-Fleet Foxes

Fleet Foxes and Bon Iver-those are two artists that are linked to Boston Round Two. I went to see the Fleet Foxes at the Sommerville Theater all by myself last fall when I was feeling every single day like I needed to quit my job and move. I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad I stuck it out. Things work out if you don't run away. And I'm also glad that the darkness of much of last year didn't ruin these guys. At all.


So it's February of 2003. I've just made a new friend who knows just about everything about music. He gets into my car one day and reaches for my CD holder and I see him nodding approvingly. But I know something is there just waiting for him to lower his opinion of me. Then he pulls it out and says, "you have Justin Timberlake? Let's listen to this!" And so began the story of one of my all time favorite friendships.
This song is amazing.

Cry Me a River-Justin Timberlake

Jesus Etc-Wilco

New Year's Eve 2004. Me, Emily, Corey. Madison Square Gardens. Like every dream the teenage me had for how my life would go coming true. And then we sang along to this song at midnight and I probably could have died a complete woman that night.



Ms Jackson-Outkast

This is one of the first songs I remember really liking after I got home from my mission. I would listen to it over and over in the bathroom I shared with my sister for longer then I think we all thought I would stay there. My brothers loved to sing the chorus-I am for REEAL. I had a fun job and good friends and a salary! What more could a girl want...



Young Folks-Peter, Bjorn and John

My friend Dainon put this on a mix and I was instantly obsessed. It will forever remind me of runs along the water in HB and bike rides to the pier. I never once walked out of the house in that town without thinking I was the luckiest girl in the world. I can see now that moving on was the right thing but those memories are some of my all time faves.



So check out the list-it's very indie so you aren't going to see Britne or Usher on it...but I'll bet you find something you forgot you loved too.

A mile high

They say the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. If that is true then I have probably been going slowly insane for the last seven years. My life has been a somewhat predictable cycle of "take a marketing job, pack things, move to a coast, talk about shoes all day." And not just move to a coast-move within five miles of where you lived the last time that city was home.

Quite frankly, I don't feel insane. But I think maybe the universe wants to just make sure. Three weeks ago a dear friend from a past work life called to ask if I was interested in looking at a job description she thought I would really enjoy. I am never one to say "no thank you, I'd rather not explore that opportunity," so I said sure. Flash forward a few weeks and folks, this girl is switching career gears and moving to Colorado Springs.

That's right-not Huntington Beach, not Boston. And it's not footwear. You know I'm going to be cagey about exactly where I'm going-I keep myself pretty accessible online but I do like to maintain a semblance of professional distance. But here are some hints: I'll be spending winter of 2010 in Vancouver, summer of 2012 in London, winter of 2014 in Russia and summer of 2016 in city yet to be announced. And I'm pretty sure I'll be able to verify that famous wingspan on Michael Phelps in the near future...

It's an absolute dream job that will have me working my TAIL off. As you can imagine I have much more to say about all of this but for now, I'm walking around feeling like this all day...

Our Own Devils

Even if you really like your job, I think it's tough not to get a little case of the Sunday Sadness as the weekend closes. Especially in the summer when even though you got to sleep in and buy cute new shoes and destroy a heaping tray full of crab legs by the sea, you still feel like you didn't get enough Saturday.

I try to do things Sunday night to relax and get ready for the coming work week. One of my favorite things is to take a nice long shower with candles and music. Taking a shower is already one of my very favorite things on earth and has been since I was a kid so you add in low light and good tunes and seriously, it's practically impossible to get myself out of there.

Tonight was particularly nice-Natalie and Linda did "breakfast for lunch" this afternoon so I ate Mickey Mouse pancakes and then lounged at their place for awhile just enjoying all that fun freedom we single folk have. Then I came home and watched a bunch of Mad Men episodes so I can actually participate in TV conversations again...and then that delightful shower. I had this song on repeat because I have kind of a big crush on it.



and now I have four minutes to get to be before my self-imposed midnight curfew!

Old

Usually when I see that my mother has been posting old photos on Facebook it means I have to go in and untag myself a bunch of times lest the world see what an AWKWARD teen I was.

But fifth grade? That was my YEAR...here I am the day I dressed up as Georgia O'Keefe to do my state report on Wisconsin (where she was born).

Speed

Here at work I sit next to the guy who does all the marketing for our Running category. So I hear A LOT about his star athlete Usain Bolt.

This weekend that guy did this.


Pretty spectacular don't you think?

The Reeling

My brain is sort of a jumble tonight. It was a good weekend but overly emotional. I'm not going to dwell on this too much but they made a big change in the congregations here in my little corner of the Mormon world. All the single people over 31 are being shipped off to a shiny new ward by ourselves starting next week. And in case you were afraid I was going to have a good attitude about it, I still feel the same way I did 2 years ago when we had a midsingles conference in Huntington Beach. I'm sure I'll get over it and get on board but tonight I feel like I'm in a "failure to marry" penalty box.

And yet. I want to slap myself when I hear my brain using marriage as any sort of barometer of success or personal worth. For a variety of reasons I've spent the last couple of weeks thinking quite a bit about the past and trying to figure out what I want the next four or five years to look like. And I'm 32, so it's hard not to let stuff like, "well if I do that thing will it affect my ability to meet someone?" creep in when I weigh options. I have such mixed feelings about that thought because I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be optimistic or realistic at this point of my life. Too many -ics, it's exhausting sometimes.

What isn't exhausting though? Today I used my new cookbook and made dinner for six. And it was pretty great. So maybe I'm totally OLD and I should just get some cats or whatever but at least the animals and I will eat well.

Here's a song from the 500 Days of Summer soundtrack that has been making me happy for weeks.

just stay there
cause i'll be comin over
and while our bloods still young
it's so young
it runs
and we won't stop til it's over
won't stop to surrender

Oreos

So I got a pretty great letter yesterday for the Dear Me project...

Dear me yesterday,

Buy more milk. Oreos wouldn't be a bad idea either.

love,
Amy

I'm always wishing yesterday me would have bought some Oreos.

Speaking of food, after reading "Julie and Julia" and deciding it was high time I learned my learned my way around a kitchen, I bought the first cookbook I have purchased as an adult. I also got around to reading "Friday Night Lights" on a plane this weekend (so, read the book, saw the movie, worship the TV show) and decided it was also high time I knew more about football. So since I was already at the store, I picked up a book that bills itself as a woman's guide to understanding the NFL.

Cooking and football-part of my goal to build my personal brand during a down market.

Promise to Me

This song got overplayed about 10 years ago but I ran across it tonight and gosh, so pretty.



I saw 500 Days of Summer again today and I'm telling you what-if you think love is a pretty good thing then you will like it.

Modern Love

The New York Times has a weekly feature called "Modern Love" that deals with all sorts of topics relating to Love and Marriage. Although I don't love just copying someone else's article as a blog post, I haven't been able to get this one out of my head and thought it was worth passing along. I wish wish wish that I had the kind of calm and foresight the author did when dealing with a crises. It's a good read whether you are married or not.

Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear

Published: July 31, 2009
LET’S say you have what you believe to be a healthy marriage. You’re still friends and lovers after spending more than half of your lives together. The dreams you set out to achieve in your 20s — gazing into each other’s eyes in candlelit city bistros when you were single and skinny — have for the most part come true.

Two decades later you have the 20 acres of land, the farmhouse, the children, the dogs and horses. You’re the parents you said you would be, full of love and guidance. You’ve done it all: Disneyland, camping, Hawaii, Mexico, city living, stargazing.

Sure, you have your marital issues, but on the whole you feel so self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never, in your wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your husband one fine summer day: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.”

But wait. This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say “I don’t love you anymore” and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.

Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying my husband was throwing a child’s tantrum. No. He was in the grip of something else — a profound and far more troubling meltdown that comes not in childhood but in midlife, when we perceive that our personal trajectory is no longer arcing reliably upward as it once did. But I decided to respond the same way I’d responded to my children’s tantrums. And I kept responding to it that way. For four months.

“I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.”

His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a sucker punch, yet somehow in that moment I was able to duck. And once I recovered and composed myself, I managed to say, “I don’t buy it.” Because I didn’t.

He drew back in surprise. Apparently he’d expected me to burst into tears, to rage at him, to threaten him with a custody battle. Or beg him to change his mind.

So he turned mean. “I don’t like what you’ve become.”

Gut-wrenching pause. How could he say such a thing? That’s when I really wanted to fight. To rage. To cry. But I didn’t.

Instead, a shroud of calm enveloped me, and I repeated those words: “I don’t buy it.”

You see, I’d recently committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I’d committed to “The End of Suffering.” I’d finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were often outside my control. I’d seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all of it.

My husband hadn’t yet come to this understanding with himself. He had enjoyed many years of hard work, and its rewards had supported our family of four all along. But his new endeavor hadn’t been going so well, and his ability to be the breadwinner was in rapid decline. He’d been miserable about this, felt useless, was losing himself emotionally and letting himself go physically. And now he wanted out of our marriage; to be done with our family.

But I wasn’t buying it.

I said: “It’s not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with their parents’ happiness. Not unless you want to create co-dependents who’ll spend their lives in bad relationships and therapy. There are times in every relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

“Huh?” he said.

Go trekking in Nepal. Build a yurt in the back meadow. Turn the garage studio into a man-cave. Get that drum set you’ve always wanted. Anything but hurting the children and me with a reckless move like the one you’re talking about.”

Then I repeated my line, “What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

“Huh?”

“How can we have a responsible distance?”

“I don’t want distance,” he said. “I want to move out.”

My mind raced. Was it another woman? Drugs? Unconscionable secrets? But I stopped myself. I would not suffer.

Instead, I went to my desk, Googled “responsible separation” and came up with a list. It included things like: Who’s allowed to use what credit cards? Who are the children allowed to see you with in town? Who’s allowed keys to what?

I looked through the list and passed it on to him.

His response: “Keys? We don’t even have keys to our house.”

I remained stoic. I could see pain in his eyes. Pain I recognized.

“Oh, I see what you’re doing,” he said. “You’re going to make me go into therapy. You’re not going to let me move out. You’re going to use the kids against me.”

“I never said that. I just asked: What can we do to give you the distance you need ... ”

“Stop saying that!”

Well, he didn’t move out.

Instead, he spent the summer being unreliable. He stopped coming home at his usual six o’clock. He would stay out late and not call. He blew off our entire Fourth of July — the parade, the barbecue, the fireworks — to go to someone else’s party. When he was at home, he was distant. He wouldn’t look me in the eye. He didn’t even wish me “Happy Birthday.”

But I didn’t play into it. I walked my line. I told the kids: “Daddy’s having a hard time as adults often do. But we’re a family, no matter what.” I was not going to suffer. And neither were they.

MY trusted friends were irate on my behalf. “How can you just stand by and accept this behavior? Kick him out! Get a lawyer!”

I walked my line with them, too. This man was hurting, yet his problem wasn’t mine to solve. In fact, I needed to get out of his way so he could solve it.

I know what you’re thinking: I’m a pushover. I’m weak and scared and would put up with anything to keep the family together. I’m probably one of those women who would endure physical abuse. But I can assure you, I’m not. I load 1,500-pound horses into trailers and gallop through the high country of Montana all summer. I went through Pitocin-induced natural childbirth. And a Caesarean section without follow-up drugs. I am handy with a chain saw.

I simply had come to understand that I was not at the root of my husband’s problem. He was. If he could turn his problem into a marital fight, he could make it about us. I needed to get out of the way so that wouldn’t happen.

Privately, I decided to give him time. Six months.

I had good days, and I had bad days. On the good days, I took the high road. I ignored his lashing out, his merciless jabs. On bad days, I would fester in the August sun while the kids ran through sprinklers, raging at him in my mind. But I never wavered. Although it may sound ridiculous to say “Don’t take it personally” when your husband tells you he no longer loves you, sometimes that’s exactly what you have to do.

Instead of issuing ultimatums, yelling, crying or begging, I presented him with options. I created a summer of fun for our family and welcomed him to share in it, or not — it was up to him. If he chose not to come along, we would miss him, but we would be just fine, thank you very much. And we were.

And, yeah, you can bet I wanted to sit him down and persuade him to stay. To love me. To fight for what we’ve created. You can bet I wanted to.

But I didn’t.

I barbecued. Made lemonade. Set the table for four. Loved him from afar.

And one day, there he was, home from work early, mowing the lawn. A man doesn’t mow his lawn if he’s going to leave it. Not this man. Then he fixed a door that had been broken for eight years. He made a comment about our front porch needing paint. Our front porch. He mentioned needing wood for next winter. The future. Little by little, he started talking about the future.

It was Thanksgiving dinner that sealed it. My husband bowed his head humbly and said, “I’m thankful for my family.”

He was back.

And I saw what had been missing: pride. He’d lost pride in himself. Maybe that’s what happens when our egos take a hit in midlife and we realize we’re not as young and golden anymore.

When life’s knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: it’s not a spouse or land or a job or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal.

My husband had become lost in the myth. But he found his way out. We’ve since had the hard conversations. In fact, he encouraged me to write about our ordeal. To help other couples who arrive at this juncture in life. People who feel scared and stuck. Who believe their temporary feelings are permanent. Who see an easy out, and think they can escape.

My husband tried to strike a deal. Blame me for his pain. Unload his feelings of personal disgrace onto me.

But I ducked. And I waited. And it worked.

Crush

For a few minutes when I was in high school country dancing got REALLY popular. There is a working farm in Salt Lake with a big barn and they did line dancing every Wednesday night. It wasn't really that cool to like country music but somehow, you got a pass if you were going to Wheeler Farm.

My friend Andrea knew some cute boys from a different high school who we went with a few times. Boys from another school always felt so much cooler then the ratty ones you'd known since six grade AND we were out on a school night. Doesn't get much better than that at 16. We've been joking around that our summer theme has been Teenage Summer what will all the roller coasters and late nights and ice cream eating (not this week!) but I was thinking last night that the thing it's missing is a little country line dancing with the Granger boys...this song was one of my favorites back in the day-I have to see if there is a country bar here in Irish pub central.

Humph

I wish grownups got summer vacation too.

Don't Call it a Comeback

About this time last year I was copycatting my sister and doing a cleanse from the book Quantum Wellness.

You can go back and read the post yourself so I won't rehash how great I felt afterwards or how committed I was to staying that healthy.

And then whatever. Life. Winter. Mild depression. Things just went nuts and so did my self-control.

So when a close friend said she was looking for a way to jumpstart her eating habits, we decided to do the cleanse again together. It makes me crazy that I am so lazy about the way I eat. I know I'm happier when I'm eating fresh stuff and more fruits and veggies then anything else and then I realize it's Friday and I've been eating out twice a day all week.

So see you later l-a-z-y kate.

Journey

I had an insane marriage dream last night. I think I have mentioned before that I have fairly regular recurring dreams about getting married.

As usual, it was my wedding day and I had absolutely NO clue how I had gotten there. I'm always totally surprised that I'm getting married that day and I never like the decorations or the dress and it always feels like the whole thing was rushed. Last night the groom was a guy I've been friends with for many years but we've certainly never dated-I'll wager neither of us have even thought about it. So I was fairly surprised that we were getting married.

I pulled my mother aside to ask her if she really thought this was a good idea and she told me he was a good guy and really cute so it probably couldn't hurt. I texted a bunch of my friends with the same question and got pretty much the same response from all of them. So I went right to Mr. Fiance to see if maybe he was having any of the same misgivings about you know, GETTING MARRIED WHEN IT DIDN'T SEEM LIKE WE HAD EVEN DATED and he was super nonchalant about it. Just shrugged and said, "I think it could be cool, we might as well give it a shot." Truly what every girl wants to hear from the man she's just about to pledge her life to right?

All through the dream I kept thinking, "how did I let this happen? It's just like in all of my stupid dreams, how did it happen in real life??" and hoping that I would wake up.

I finally did wake up and I'm still feeling so relieved. I spent some time googling "marriage dreams" to see if there were any explanations of such a dream and this was pretty much my favorite:

For a young woman to dream that she is a bride, and unhappy or indifferent, foretells disappointments in love, and probably her own sickness. She should be careful of her conduct, as enemies are near her.

So there you go guys, my enemies are near. Awesome.

1000 words

My mom posted this photo from her mission on her Facebook page today (The parents are so in the treehouse you guys.) and I thought it was so cute. I still don't know why none of us could get that great red hair...

Junkie

OMG! This weekend was an exclamation point! We rode roller coasters! Then I taught Relief Society which I love but also gets me almost as worked up! Then a near diseaster at work surfaced as I was walking out of church that took four frantic hours to fix! It was CRAZY!

The day ended on Spencer's 19th floor roof deck with a looooong delightful chat as the sun went down over Boston...and now I am going to sleep so hard that rocks will be jealous.

This is what I've been listening to on repeat since Thursday. You'll like it I promise.

Lazy Days

I went to see a screening of the movie "500 Days of Summer" tonight. They say in the previews that it's a story about love but not a love story and I can agree with that. But I will say this, it just helped cement how much of a complete and over the top romantic I am. As much as I have tried in the last few years to downplay it and be practical about ever finding it-I am wildly, passionately, whole-soulishly devoted to the concept of true love.

I was talking to someone this week about gratuitous PDA and she said, "you know at our age, we are just not going to be in love with the same intensity as we would have ten years ago." I had to disagree. I believe in crazy romance and finding a soul mate and that falling in love changes everything. And I know it sounds kind of naive, and maybe even a little bit unrealistic, but over the years I've had enough glimpses at what it CAN feel like to keep my little dream alive.

That's not to say I'm expecting perfection, or that I don't understand that love is not always fun or easy. In lots of ways I'm just as excited about getting through the crappy stuff as I am the good stuff. I was trying to explain this one night to a couple of my married friends who thought I was diminishing my own life by saying that I think people are better off in pairs. But after 32 years on my own, I believe it more then ever. It's good to be on a team. It's even better to be on a team with someone you can fight with just as comfortably as you can sleep with. I also happen to believe that people should do their own thing for as long as their own life schedule requires. I'm a person who just never would have been happy getting married young. I've had lots of things I wanted to do and gone through lots of things I think I have absolutely needed to do alone. Being single is really great and I feel lucky to have had the time to figure myself out in ways I personally probably wouldn't have had I been married.

But.

I only have to see the way my grandfather still looks at my grandma after like a million years together and how much they just genuinely like to be together and well, that's what I'm holding out for. And I'll totally wait.

Anyway, see the movie. It's sweet.

Hello You

One year ago today, Mr. Morgan William came along and turned me from a plain old spinster into an auntie.

If we were a good mormon family, we would have had a whole bunch of kidlets running around ages and ages ago but I started an alarming non-reproductive trend that carried through the siblings and well, my mother ended up being the oldest recorded member of the Relief Society who wasn't yet a grandmother. Sorry Jayne.

I, for one, would not trade our timeline for anything. It's funny how the addition of babies has managed to change everything and yet nothing. When I was home in June, we sat in the kitchen all together, talking too loud and too late and teasing each other to death like we have since we were kids ourselves. The only big difference is that now we get to do it with three amazing sisters-in-law and two little monsters that we can spoil rotten with things like tiny PUMA shoes that they will only wear once. Watching my brothers become dads has been one of the sweetest experiences of my oldest sisterhood and just can't wait to see it roll out with the other three (who will all be doing it before me I guarantee!!!).

We managed to get a three generations photo of the boys while I was home and it's crazy to see the difference in almost one year old Morgan and not quite two month old Garrett. I hope someday they are as tight with their own siblings as I've gotten to be with mine.



Happy birthday Morgan! I miss you the MOST!

True Companion

If anyone is wondering what kind of boy I would like to marry, it is this one.



And if you want to know what kind of songs I wish I could write, this is one.



And if you want to know a song I could listen to every day for the rest of my life, here it is.



And if you want to hear a song that I put on repeat for two full hours, this is it



And if you want to know why I keep John Mayer on my guilty pleasures list, it's this



And lastly, here is a song I have posted before, but still just makes me so happy I have to do it again.

Happy Monday.

Just Dance

My friend Natalie and I have recently returned to one of my favorite weekend activities-dancing. Maybe it's because I watch four hours of So You Think You Can Dance a week, or that I've been listening to Michael Jackson non-stop for two weeks, but even my natural tendency to get moving anytime there is a beat has been on overdrive lately.

Friday night as we were walking into our favorite spot we had one of those "our teenage selves would be so stoked" moments. It was a perfect warm night, we'd just been out with a couple of cute boys for dinner and ice cream and now here we were in the heart of the major city where by the way we also live and have cool jobs, going to dance until the wee hours because we could totally sleep until noon the next day (and did). Gosh I love summer so much. I also love a good mashup...here is one that I can't get enough of right now.

My my my

Sometimes you are just goofing around on YouTube looking for something to love and you find a song that makes you really wish you had someONE to love. If you want a girl to fall in love with you, maybe you learn this on the ukulele. I think it might work on me.




well you might be a bit confused
and you might be a little bit bruised
but baby how we spoon like no one else
so I will help you read those books
if you will soothe my worried looks
and we will put the lonesome on the shelf

Shakes

My friend Dave, who is both funny and talented, played in an event my company put on a few weeks ago and made this little video for us. It has had me chuckling for days.



Funny boys are one of my favorite things on earth.

Remember the Time

Well the skies appear to have heard the collective pleas of Bostonians anxious for a break in the rain and we woke up Friday morning to glorious sun that has yet to leave us.

Thursday night however, I drove home from work in such heavy fog my brain was having trouble processing the fact that it was indeed the July 4th weekend. We had planned to hit the drive-in that night for a Ryan Reynold's abs-athon but the rain forced us inside. My friend Natalie promised she would come up with epic plans and I'll just tell you what-this girl knows how to keep a promise. We ended up having a rice krispie treat sculpture making contest that morphed into a Michael Jackson memorial dance festival in which we danced straight through 15 of MJ's greatest hits.

Friday we did a little shopping and then spent the afternoon and evening at the Hatch Shell watching the dress rehearsal of the big fireworks show that some of you might have watched on television the next night. And about that I will just say-Neil Diamond + a crowd of Red Sox fans + Sweet Caroline live=ability to die with life mostly complete.

Saturday was lunch that lasted four hours and fireworks until the wee hours. I had my friends Linda and Chloe in town from San Francisco and New York so there was plenty of late night giggling and good eating and memory lane walking wedged into the last few days. All in all it was a pretty A+ weekend.

Another I did this weekend was remember how crappy I've been lately at finding new music to get excited about. I've been spending a lot of time on old favorites lately and haven't really been on the lookout like I used to be. But here is a band that formed right here in Boston and I'm pretty well in love with them. They make the kind of music that just makes me want to never stop dancing. They are called Passion Pit and this is their song The Reeling. I think you'll like it.



And just for good measure, here's a song I was obsessed with last summer and has jumped back into heavy rotation

On the Radio

I could not be more sad about the weather situation in Boston. It's been raining since May. Since May. Now please understand that we get about 12 weeks of really great warm weather in this town and now four of them have been swallowed up by Noah's Ark-like conditions. So today I quit my "just fine for running on the treadmill, no frills, at least they have towels in the locker room" gym and splurged on the "whirlpool and sauna and a million classes plus yoga studio and smoothie bar" gym because if I'm going to be forced to have Season Affective Disorder in the summer, at least there will be coconut scented soap in the showers after spin class.

A bunch of girls from the office joined too so tonight we all worked out together. I was walking out tonight and this Radiohead song came on my iPod as I walked to my car. It was a grey night and I'm tired of those but we had a good work out and it's almost a three day weekend...so it felt plenty appropriate.

Whirlwind

I heard on the radio today that we are now officially mid-way through 2009. I know the old "time flies" cliche gets overused but OH MY GOSH WHERE IS MY LIFE GOING???? The last three weeks disappeared in a haze of early US Open mornings, agents meetings, Wasatch Backing, family eventing, nephew snuggling, beach house napping and so. much. food.

So today I tried to pretend I forgot it was a four day week and buried myself in work, did a super hard workout that ended with a bonus spin class and will work really hard to fall into bed before 12.

I am working on a couple of posts but in the summer I feel so compelled to enjoy what little good weather we have so I tend to neglect my writing. Boo to that. If you haven't take a look at my little Letter Project, please do. Collective wisdom is powerful. And please feel free to submit a letter if you haven't yet or if AHEM, you totally OWE me one (and you all know who you are). The submissions thus far have been amazing-every single letter is a gem.

Here is a little taste of what the last few weeks have been like-and really no sign of a slow down. Hooray for summer. Hooray.

Pop

When I was about seven or eight years old, my dad found a box full of music tapes in the bushes in front of our house. We asked around to see if they belonged to anyone but when no one claimed them, he let me take possession. There were about ten tapes in there and I know I listened to all of them but the copy of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" is the one that I nearly wore out. I knew every single word to every single song, including all of Vincent Price's voiceover.

As the news flew through our office of mostly mid-twenty to mid-thirtysomethings that Mr. Jackson had died I was surprised to remember how MUCH I had loved him as a kid. He got kind of creepy and strange as he got older but I don't know that anything ever got me quite as excited when I was 8 as when the Thriller video would FINALLY come on MTV after waiting and waiting and waiting.

There are just way, way too many good Michael Jackson songs for me to really pick a favorite but this is one that pretty well lives in my iPod. Because it's awesome and also because one time, many years ago, I was roller skating with exactly the right boy at the exactly the right moment when the rink filled up with this song. It never fails to make me happy.



I truly hope he finds some of the peace on the other side he clearly never got here.

Wanderlust

Well I am finally home after 10 day of work and play travel. I had a great time at the US Open and an even better time at the Wasatch Back Relay. I had grand intentions of trying to see people while I was in Utah but I guess I had just worn myself right out and I ended up pretty much just playing with my nephews and hanging out with my family.

My mom came by on Monday and after we watched Morgan scoot all around the house in his walker, she got a mischivous look in her eye and let him out the back door. We were pretty convinced he would get outside and freeze up but the kid took off down the driveway like a shot. We were all laughing so hard watching him head for who knows what kind of freedom that we almost forgot to get a camera. But Grandma Jayne did manage to capture a little clip. One I can't seem to stop watching. Nephews. They are so awesome.

Open and Close

I have SO MUCH TO SAY. But I'm in New York for the US Open today and time feels like it on fast forward. I leave tomorrow afternoon to go to Utah for the Wasatch Back and snuggle nephews. I'll be back.

Giving the People What They Want

I didn't say it was the cutest outfit, I just said I like it.

Uniform

So if I could live in one outfit, it would be this Panther Football tee-shirt from American Apparel, these 3/4 length PUMA drawstring black pants and no shoes. I am so happy right now.

Daylight!

I actually have to give credit to frequent blog commenter Mike for introducing me to this song awhile back but now that it's on an ad, I can't get it out of my head. If ever this good little Mormon girl was tempted to take to the demon liquor, it would be because some tight pants hipster music editor used this track on a commercial for Bacardi Mojitos. Don't you want to be friends with Matt and Kim?

Up

Damian, who I have known since fifth grade and who is quite a gem, sent me this in a gchat tonight. And if you don't like it, well, you and I can never watch movies together.



Who wants to dance with me???

Tears of Joy

What a fantastic weekend. First of all, it came after a really great work week-I am loving the new job and the new team I get to work with and that is a feeling I really missed.

I got up Saturday morning and went to meet the Lazer Kittens for a workout which actually means-some girls from work and I are doing a Fitness Challenge sponsored by a local health club. If you check out that link I think you will see why we were picked. So we got weighed and measured and tested on how long we can hang out in a plank position and how many push ups we can do. I had the best run I have had in months and I promised to give up fast food, ice cream and visits to the vending machine for the next six weeks (at least-the plan is for some serious habit changing to happen during the contest!)

Then I was off to the MIT Boathouse where my friend Matt needed some help taking the Stake Young Men and Young Women out on the Charles for a sail. He gave 10 of us a crash course in Skippering and then we spent the afternoon ferrying tweens back and forth across the river. It was every bit as glorious as it sounds-perfect weather, just enough wind, enough of a sunburn to show that summer is totally here.




Once we got 20 boats taken down and put away we went and met up with my roommate Brenda for delicious dinner at a new place a neighborhood I've been meaning to explore. Then I went over to Natalie's and crafted just enough to prove that I do indeed have mormon girl blood in me. Then she went with me to the grocery store, making a task I seriously hate actually pretty fun.

Church was pretty great today, we are meeting in a new lovely space on loan from the Episcopal Divinity School and then a bunch of us went over to watch Roger Federer finally win that French Open that he totally deserves.

And now, my house is clean, my laundry is done, a bunch of beautiful letters rolled into my inbox today and it looks like I will be in bed before midnight.

But the most significant thing about this weekend is how good it feels just to be happy in my own life. It was a rough, rough first year here in Boston and I was honestly afraid several times that the solution was to end up curled up in a dark corner of my mother's basement. That sense of hopelessness and powerlessness is something I don't ever ever ever want to experience again. But here I am. Happy, confident, reveling in my singleness and feeling so sure that good good things are still to come in my life. I was praying for opportunities to grow my last few months in Huntington Beach and by golly folks-be careful what you wish for. Sitting here on the other side of a rough go however, I'm just thankful for the clarity that can come out of dark times. I got to face some of my worst fears about myself and I managed to survive. Maybe even thrive. We'll see.

This song came through my iTunes tonight while I was catching up on email. It's been one of my favorites for a long time and today it just straight up made me cry.


Hello summer. Glad to have you.

Happy Graduation Elizabeth

When I was 14 my parents called us all together to announce that we were getting a new baby in the family. For reasons my 32 year old brain can no longer quite justify, the whole idea just made me mad. There were already five of us and money was fairly tight and my parents were so OLD to still be doing THAT (it's probably karma that I'll be lucky to squeeze one kid out by the age my mom was having number six, and I certainly don't plan to be done with "that"). So I made it clear that I was uninterested in this child and would not be helping with it's care. I believe the words my family still uses to tease me were, "I will not love this baby."

Seven months later, a few weeks after ninth grade ended and I was busy getting ready to go be a high school kid, Elizabeth arrived. And I discovered I was dead wrong about being able to love this baby. It was a clear case of us not really knowing anyone was missing until she showed up and filled in a hole nobody had seen. There was still not enough money and plenty of times that it felt like there were to many damn kids in our house, but I never once wished she hadn't come.

Over the years that poor kid dealt with the joys and pitfalls of being the youngest in a family full of opinionated older siblings. We taught her lyrics to songs she shouldn't have been listening to (but seriously, hearing a three year old sing "I'm a midnight toker" is probably the greatest thing you will ever experience), we took her to concerts when she was wee, we introduced her to our friends who often liked her better, we filled her head so full of our thoughts and ideas that it's a wonder she was ever able to come up with any of her own. But that she did. She has carved out a place in our family that is absolutely unique.

There are so many things I admire about my little Elizabeth-the short short haircut she can totally rock, the surety of herself she has at nearly 18 that I still didn't have at 25, her sense of style, her familial loyalty, her softie side that not everyone knows about, her hilarious blog. She was the only kid in the family that had to deal with the day to day reality of my parent's divorce and she did it with a bare minimum of teenage angst. She's pretty and she's smart and she's hypercreative. She has eight cameras and you never see without at least three of them.

(and she knows how to use them, I love this photo of her.)
She makes her own clothes, she has the cutest little nose, she sends adorable texts and even better Christmas cards, she is a wonderful mother to her cat Tasha (a cat who is skittish around everyone else in the universe), can hold intelligent conversations with adults but still knows how to be a kid. She's way better at boys that I am

Did I mention that she's so creative?

She and I have the same face but the mold got better over the years. (that nose! that adorable nose! where is mine?)


Tomorrow she is graduating from high school just a couple of days shy of her eighteenth birthday. Eighteen! Graduating! Not a baby anymore! It's hard not to feel a little jealous of all the millions of opportunities in front of her. I'm so proud of her, for the amazing little person she's become and for all the potential she has to be even more.

I love you so much little girl-congratulations!

Baby Me

I'm posting the letters I've been getting for my "Dear Me" project to the blog this week.

I haven't quite been able to figure out how to write about the experience of reading these things without lapsing into meaningless cliches or sounding a little too over the top. So let's just get it over with-they are amazing. They are life changing. They make me laugh and they make me cry. They inspire me.

It's all true ladies. Look, women can be hard on each other. We spend a good portion of our lives in competition-for boys, for the cutest kids, for the cleanest house, for the most "having it all"-ness. I don't know if we are even always aware of how much personal PR we are constantly doing so everyone knows we are good enough and strong enough and happy enough. What I love about these letters is that they say, yes-we ARE good enough and strong enough and happy enough but it's taken WORK to get where I am. And sometimes we're better then we were 10 years ago and sometimes there are some things we could probably learn from the girl we used to be. But we've all been through stuff, and we've been low, and we've been dumb and we haven't always done our best and it's cool. It makes us real. It gives us empathy. And if we can look back at our own little silly selves with love and compassion, doesn't that say we can and should do it for all those lovely women around us just trying to do their best too?

I am a fan of women. I think we as a group can be SO awesome. And I will say again that I truly believe these letters have power to help us encourage awesomeness in each other. Go read them. And then write one. And send it to me.